Why Your Team Sucks 2014: Washington Redskins

Some people are fans of the Washington Redskins. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Washington Redskins. This 2014 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.

Your team: Washington Redskins.

Your 2013 record: 3-13. As with the Browns, you can simply list everything the Skins did last year and have the list serve as its own form of ridicule. Let's begin:

  • They brought their prize QB back from a catastrophic knee injury too early, mostly because Adidas wanted him to start in Week 1.
  • The team got crushed in its first game against Philly because apparently no one on the coaching staff knew that Chip Kelly liked running plays quickly.
  • They let the hobbled quarterback get killed for 13 weeks—destroying their relationship with him in the process—before finally benching him.
  • The offensive coordinator and QB openly hated each other.
  • Head coach and future wallet Mike Shanahan had his kid clumsily (and anonymously) leak to ESPN that he actually wanted to quit a year earlier because the owner and QB had become too chummy. I dare you to find a more obvious leak. There are blind items about John Travolta that are harder to solve.
  • The team taped its windows shut so that reporters couldn't see inside the day of Shanahan's firing.
  • The refs took a first down away from them because everyone fucking hates the Skins.
  • This lady got whitewashed with a hot dog.
  • At all times, the stadium turf looked like 80 consecutive Phish concerts had been played on top of it.
  • Fred Davis got a DUI.
  • Owner Dan Snyder had a park ranger fired, and somehow that's the least grotesque thing he did. He was also caught giving out apples for holiday bonuses.

As always with the Skins, this was really just the beginning. God, they're fucking worthless. They're just so worthless.

Your coach: Jay Gruden. The fat Gruden. Here's Jay picking an entire porterhouse bone out of his teeth:

Bengals fans were overjoyed when the Skins hired Gruden away. And those people know bad coaching when they see it. I watched Gruden call four consecutive Alf Morris goal-line runs this preseason. They were not successful. I know it was only the preseason, but goddamn.

By the way, you not believe how successful the Skins were last season at convincing fans that the Shanahans were the problem. It was as if Marty Schottenheimer and Steve Spurrier and Jimmy Zorn had never happened. Bill Belichick could come here and suck.

Also, Jim Haslett is still here! It's just like Dan Snyder to shell out money to fire Mike Shanahan and then skimp out on eating the DC's contract. I bet he tips five bucks on a steak dinner.

Your quarterback: RGIII, shown here with the full body cast he'll be wearing to withstand the rigors of an NFL season …

Not only did the Skins trade away a bunch of picks for the privilege of ruining RGIII, but they ruined him IMMEDIATELY. I mean, they didn't even get a full season of goodness out of him before running him into the ground and molding him in their image: paranoid, defensive, constantly concocting a list of bogeymen to whine about, and completely lacking in self-awareness ...

Who are these THEY people? I didn't know you in high school, asshole. The reason people doubt you now is because you looked fucking terrible last season and this preseason. And you still won't fucking slide! Congratulations, Skins. You have a quarterback who is effective only when he is trying to get himself hurt. It's everything you ever deserved. RGIII is done. Already. He'll never be as good as he was in his rookie year, and it's the team's fault.

By the way, I live in the DC area, and the clamor for backup QB Kirk Cousins here is all too real. They love his GRIT. That Cousins … you don't see him complaining about being a backup! They love Kirk Cousins here, even though Cousins got progressively worse in all three of his starts last December. Skins fans still labor under the delusion that Cousins is some kind of magic asset who will net them an RGIII trade in reverse. I wouldn't trade a broken Slinky for Kirk Cousins. Why would you ever want him to start over RGIII? Your team just traded EVERYTHING for RGIII. You should really want that trade to work out. I swear they want Cousins to start because teaching RGIII some kind of lesson is more important to them than actually winning stuff.

What's new that sucks: DeSean Jackson! The second the Eagles cut Jackson after his prolific 2013 season, the whole world knew exactly where he was going. Are you talented, but also in possession of the kind of deficient personality that renders those talents irrelevant? DAN SNYDER HAS A PRIVATE JET RIDE WAITING FOR YOU. Why fix the world's worst offensive line when you can sign DeSean Jackson and Andre Roberts, and watch as RGIII gets murdered waiting for them to get downfield?

Also, the team's big defensive signing this offseason was former Cowboy Jason Hatcher. You might remember Hatcher from last season, when he was a member of the worst defensive line in football history. Oh, but how the Skins love to lure away former Cowboys. THAT'LL SHOW 'EM. The team threw millions at Hatcher and safety Ryan Clark. Both men are over the age of 32. Reliving the glory days of the 2000 Skins was probably an actual strategy of theirs. They also still have Brandon Meriweather, who is incapable of tackling anyone legally.

What has always sucked: All of the on-field fuckups noted above don't begin to hint at the Redskins' overall suckiness. This is the worst organization in professional sports. It's not even close. The owner is a disgusting, repulsive man. His underlings are worse. The local media are bought and paid subservient bootlickers. And the fans—humorless golfbots that they are—fall in line like fucking sheep, every single year. Can you name any other franchise in any sport that requires its own propaganda arm? The Redskins are a mad king who has locked himself inside a castle turret. It wouldn't shock me if everyone at Redskin Park turned out to be syphilitic. They are DISEASED.

Forget about the whole nickname debate. Dan Snyder is never going to change the nickname, because fighting against the dirty liberal media is the only way that sad, lonely man will ever be able to make friends. The only way he renames the team is if he gets a new stadium in exchange, because it's just like Dan Snyder to defend his integrity and then offer it as a bargaining chip. The thing is that it's not just the name Redskins that is offensive—it is the REDSKINS who are offensive. They are a venal, nauseating organization. Trotting out senile code-talkers and fake chiefs, forcing announcers to pimp Redskins Facts during game broadcasts, suing season ticket holders, suing newspapers, booting up the Washington Redskins Original Americans Foundation—which serves as its own form of satire—these are all symptoms of a company that is offensive on some level deeper than that of a stupid fucking nickname. They are the scum of the fucking Earth.

The Skins throw out ham-handed horseshit about "pride" and "heritage" every five seconds, despite having earned NONE of it. Look at this team. Look at its current legacy: ruined quarterbacks, ripped-off customers, fired coaches, a garbage stadium (watching a game in FedEx Field is worse than listening to it on the radio, stuck in traffic, on your way to FedEx Field), losing season after losing season—who says you motherfuckers deserve to have ANY pride? Who are you to denounce haters when everything you do is pathetic and eminently worthy of hatred? You are a laughingstock, and you are a bigger laughingstock every day because you can't bother to acknowledge it. You've won three Super Bowls and you act like you've won 50. It's vile. Fuck the Redskins. Fuck them forever. They'll never win a damn thing under Snyder and that is what they deserve from now until eternity.

What might not suck: Nothing. The fish rots from the fucking head.

Hear it from Skins fans!

Zak:

AJ Smith. AJ FUCKING SMITH. WE HIRED AJ SMITH, no doubt to the position of Senior Executive for Making Terrible Decisions That Will Be Regretted For Years While We Flounder at 8-8.

Robbie:

We are the perfect team for Washington DC, since we spend wildly ludicrous sums of money on flashy things while ignoring the long-term structural issues that will eventually cripple us. The only difference is that America gets to hold Presidential elections every four years.

Our owner exhibits the same racial sensitivity as the Ferguson Police Department and the fans aren't far behind.

Danny:

I was born and raised in the D.C. area, I have season tickets and I happen to be one of the few Redskins fans who thinks the name should be changed. I'm accused by fellow Redskins fans of not being a REAL Redskins fan because of this. It's amazing how lifelong fans; true locals who went to good public schools in Fairfax or Montgomery counties turn into a bunch of fucking Archie Bunkers when the name issue is brought up.

We Redskins fans cling to the past better than any other fan base. Tailgating at FedEx (Shithole) you're likely to see just as many Riggins, Theismann, and Jurgensen jerseys as Griffin jerseys.

Geoff:

When Jack Kent Cook Stadium first was built, they named the area around it Raljon, MD. Some say in honor of Jack's kids Ralph and John, but something tells me even the good people of Landover didn't want to be associated with the dumpster fire that had just been shoe-horned into the most inconvenient place on earth to put a major sports complex. One way in, one way out. I take the metro there and go into the city switch trains to go back out and then walk a mile to the stadium and it's still a quicker and more enjoyable experience than sitting in traffic for 1-2 hours before and 3 hours after. The traffic on the way out is so bad people tailgate after the game, because why sit in your car for 3 hours when you can fire the grill back up and get drunk all over again!

Twenty years of losing, being lampooned in the media, and all around fuckupedness has turned a once proud fan base into bitter, abused, alcoholics. The elder statesmen of the group sits sunburnt on the open tailgate of his 1983 John Riggins Signature Ford pickup mumbling about rocking stands, Hogs, and Fun Bunches, as he takes a swig from his flask and spits at some Eagles fans. The younger fans are defensive, loud, drunk, and ready to throw hands with anyone.

John:

We basically play 16 away games a year, as FedEx is constantly packed with rival fans. Visiting teams are generally so well represented that their chants drown out our own when the Redskins are down. They are like a pack of feral cats who have taken over an alley and no longer fear humans.

Fans jerk each other off and compare LaVar Arrington hair dolls when reliving the hit that ended Troy Aikman's career. Seriously, if you want to hate Redskins fans just read those comments. HTTR. Fuck me.

Tom:

The fans are the worst type of people. Largely Virginia and North Carolina rednecks who can't seem to let go of some championships won 30 years ago. These people don't mind that the stadium so damn hard to get to, because why not? They've already driven 3 hours from Richmond. What's another 30 minutes once you get off the beltway?

If you were to plot the nfl teams on a graph with suckatude as the x-axis and douchbaggery as the y-axis. This would be the team all the way on the top right. In fact, here is that graph:

Why Your Team Sucks 2014: Washington Redskins


James:

Once a week I have a fantasy of slamming 15 'Burgundy & Gold' colored milk shakes - one for every year that Dan Snyder has owned the team - and then shitting into his mouth. I can't tell you how badly I would like to do this.

Mike Shanahan had to wait in media traffic at the gate at Redskins Park to get fired. Interns were asked to handle "media security". Everything this organization does is a clown show, on and off the field, though it's hard to pick which thing they really do the worst.

Sean:

The suburbs are all a twisted maze of freeways where the average speed of 15 miles an hour at any given time, filled with even more unaffordable housing and chain restaurants far as the eye can see.

Everyone in PG county is slowly becoming Ravens fans and I do not blame them.

Adam:

Every time I read my friends Facebook postings about the name I'm reminded of Confederate Civil War re-enactors growling "Heritage, not Hate!"

The offensive line is just Trent Williams and four cardboard cutouts of fat people.

Griffin:

Fuck this owner, fuck this team and fuck the Beltway.

Juan:

Our QB, who graduated from college early, somehow slept through Communications 101. He got his coach fired, blames the media for "twisting" his direct quotes, debuted a clothing logo after a 3-win season, and started something called #TheMovement which no one understands. Why he keeps responding to detractors on Twitter is a fucking mystery.

When sliding RG3 looks like he's falling off a bike. I've seen sacks of concrete mix fall off forklifts with more grace.

Our stadium experience at FedEx field is like a three hour prostate exam. Five hours actually if you include dealing with Northern Virginia drivers.

Our coach looks just like my college roommate and that guy was a dick.

Erik:

Fuck Dan Snyder in the ass with a Jim Zorn bobblehead.

Also RG3's Twitter feed reads like a guy who just lost his job as sales team leader at a Honda dealership. Shut the fuck up and learn to slide, asshole.

John:

Also, we love players that look great in uniform and uniform only. My best example is LaRon Landry.

I also have zero faith that DeSean Jackson will not kill somebody ala Aaron Hernandez. Remember the last time an Eagles player came to the Redskins? It was Donavan McNabb. God was he awful.

The Eagles love us.

Andrew:

There is ONE entrance to the parking lots. ONE for a stadium that supposedly holds 91,000 human beings. Once you finally get into the stadium lots, feel free to park a mile plus away on the beautiful, never ending fields of black top. Everyone at the tailgates/game is a drunk asshole and theres a 1 in 5 chance that your ticket will be obstructed view. The team itself is always terrible, anyone telling you they will win the NFC East this year (and there's plenty in the area that do) is a blind idiot. Then, when they inevitably lose, you have to deal with the same traffic nightmare except this time, half of the drivers are legally drunk. Many years ago, my dad, brother and I used to go to games and endure all of this shit until one game we got back to our car and someone had smashed the window and stolen whatever valuables were in the car (a GPS I believe back when GPS' were a thing). My dad swore he would never go to another game. Fast forward to 2010, a guy at his work is giving out free 50 yard line tickets for the lower bowl for Monday Night football, can't say no to that, right? Do you remember which game the MNF Skins game was that year? Michael Vick's Madden-esque performance. My Dad and brother didnt get to their seats before the Eagles were up 21-0. When they finally decided to leave, they got a flat tire on the ride home and my dad had to change it while it was pouring rain late at night because Life wanted to throw one more Fuck You at him. He hasn't been back since and I believe him this time when he says he never will again.

Zane:

Only in Washington can a RB score three touchdowns in a game & be almost inactive the next game (Roy Helu).

Our quarterback has a logo.

Ben:

First and foremost, fuck Mike Wise.

Listening to talk radio during this offseason was mind-blowing. Fan after fan calling in to berate how horribly the team had screwed up free agency, for everything from not spending eight billion dollars on a safety, to not signing the decaying corpse of Steve Smith. The one signing that most were on-board for, though, was the Jason Hatcher deal, which was demonstrably bad. If I weren't a fan of the Redskins, I'd hate Redskins fans, too.

Nick:

This offseason, my dad asked who I would rather have as an owner, Jerry Jones or Dan Snyder. My response without hesitation? "Jerry Jones — he's gonna die sooner."

Drew:

Dan Snyder looks like every 80s comedy villain poured into a five foot mold.

Alton:

Did you know that the DC metro area, especially the garbage heaps known as Prince George's County, MD and Prince William County, VA, is home to the highest concentration of people with Native American heritage in the country!? It's true! Just listen to 106.7 The Fan any afternoon to hear their proud proclamations of "HEY WHADDUP LEVAR YOU THE MAN I JUS WANNA SAY I'M 1/32 CHEROKEE OR CHOCTAW OR SOMETHIN AND I AINT OFFENDED BY THAT NAME! IT'S JUST ALL ABOUT PRIDE, MAN, AND IF YOU CAN'T SEE THAT, THEN, UH...YOU'RE THE RACIST."

It's like the fanbase is 90% Fake Chiefs. The other 10% are dead-ender white military contractor and lawyer jackasses like the asshole that started a Redskins Pride Caucus in the Virginia legislature (during the middle of intense debate over MEDICAID they did this!). I've met Chap Peterson. He just did this to get into Snyder's box for a few games so they can circle jerk to pictures of Sonny "I Appeared In One Playoff Game Ever, Off The Bench" Jurgensen. He's the kind of dickhead lawyer who looks down on anyone, lawyer or not, who hasn't gotten a multi-million dollar settlement. He's Gob Bluth's "Man in the $5,000 suit!" in real life, with no sense of humor.

They hired George "Macaca" Allen and Lanny "I Represent The Interests of Legitimate War Criminals" Davis to protect their stupid name. Dan Snyder is 2 degrees from being a war criminal himself, as far as I'm concerned.

Fuck Heath Shuler.

Kay:

I moved from DC to LA, and last weekend at a party a large group conversation took a somber turn as we were discussing events in Ferguson, The conversation got a little too heavy for a party, and so someone jokingly said "Hey, football season's almost back, amirite?" Everyone was secretly relieved that the tension lifted until another partygoer, aware that I was new-ish to LA, loudly asked if I watched football (I answered that I did) and then asked who my team was. Without thinking, I matter-of-factly said "The Redskins." Silence.

Then someone said, "Well, that backfired."

KOGOD:

I can barely muster the anger anymore. I've all but given up.

Nathan:

Fuck Dan Snyder.

Sent from the depths of my heart.

Katie:

I can't even bring myself to put the actual team name in this email subject because Dan Snyder has made me ashamed to type/speak it by dragging this whole "never changing the name" bullshit out as long as possible.

And now we have a Gruden. Are you kidding me!? Look at this piece of shit.

Evan:

The fan base has the patience of a fucking toddler. Half the fan base truly believes that Kirk Cousins would be a better starting quarterback based solely a few decent plays in 2012 and the 2014 preseason where he has managed to "light up" the opposing team's defense, half of which will be cut/on the practice squad in a week. Last year, Cousins played five games and had 10 turnovers. 10! And yet, beneath every Washington Post article you'll see 50 mouthbreathers chiming in with "RGIII sux! Put in Cousins!" followed by an astoundingly obtuse argument that "Fighting Irish" is just as racist as "Redskins."

We are, without a doubt, the least self-aware fanbase in all of sports. If it weren't for the Browns and the Jags, this would be the worst franchise in the league, bar none, but we act like we belong in the same conversation as the Patriots or the Broncos because we have three Super Bowls from the 80's and early 90s. Every year we truly believe the team will go 13-3 just because they hired a new coach and a couple WRs, and then act shocked when everything goes to shit by week 6. Jay Gruden actually seems like a reasonable guy and maybe even a good football coach, but he'll be gone in three years, max, either because he was forced out via conniving murmurs from ownership that are systematically leaked to the press, or because the constant dysfunction became too much to bear.

Rob:

FedEx Field is the Dan Snyder of stadiums.

Brett:

Our offensive coordinator is 6 years younger than our last one, Kyle Shanahan, who is 12.

Dave:

Tony Dungy, who would have a problem coaching a gay player, won't say our team's NAME on TV because it is a hateful slur.

Chris:

At a game at FedEx Field in 2007 I watched a guy carry his girlfriend/wife/possible rape victim up the steps in the 400 section, and of course they sat right beside me. She slept from the fireworks before kickoff, clear through the final whistle. Her boyfriend/husband/possible sex offender (shirtless in December of course) sat down and promptly asked me "Are you even a real fan?"

Outside by the concession/beer stands there was a golf cart riding around. Tied down with straps to the back of it was a guy in a Cowboys jersey, who appeared clinically dead, covered in his own vomit. And they were parading this guy around like Libyan rebels did to Ghaddafi before they executed him.

This was all before the end of the 1st quarter. That may have been my best FedEx Field experience.

Aaron:

In their history, this team has been owned by three colossal assholes.

Alex:

Remember which team gave the Lions their first win after losing 19 games in a row? I do...the team I root for.

Mark:

I was at a Ravens Redskins game a few years back and a woman in a Ravens jersey was coming back from using the restroom. Not being particularly svelte, she attempted to squeeze her way back to her seat in front of an even more morbidly obese man in a Riggins jersey who was naturally wearing a pig nose. I shit you not, the man waited until she was directly in front of him and then used both hands to shove her as hard as he could. She fell down 5 or 6 rows. People cheered. It was a fucking pre-season game.

Gene:

The fan base comprises mostly rednecks and old guys who think DeAngelo Hall is good because they saw him intercept a pass once.

John:

When you are a Redskins fan, you know deep down that your team sucks and deserves to lose.

Boby:

The Skins have to be the most malevolent money printing machine disguised as a football franchise on Earth.

Justin:

Dan Snyder is so toxic he managed to make Mike Shanahan and RGIII, two of the most beloved people in DC in 2012, look as shitty as he is. We have taken a kid who seemed like a genuinely decent guy and should have been a franchise QB and most likely ruined him forever. People are seriously talking about benching him for Kirk Cousins. Kirk fucking Cousins. That is the level of discourse in DC right now.

Liz:

Less than half of the football fans at my high school in Fairfax County considered themselves Redskins fans. Most of them cheered for the Cowboys, Steelers and Giants.

Garrett:

Why Your Team Sucks 2014: Washington Redskins

Colin:

You could trade our entire roster and coaching staff with the Seahawks' and I assure you we'd be 9-7 at best.

McCringleberry:

A friend of mine, after two years of meeting him at games, "clued me in to a secret route"

to FedEx that bypasses the Beltway traffic. This little known yellow brick road- which cuts an hour off of the 25 mile trip from Arlington- leads through the darkest heart of Southeast, which most suburbanites identify to be someplace they read about in a Joseph Conrad novel in high school, and which actual navigation apps will avoid. Most of the route goes through undeveloped woods. And genuinely cuts and hour off of the drive, even two hours before the game.

Brian:

Our owner is a festering boil of a human being.

Jeffrey:

Wanting to hire Jon Gruden in 2009 and getting to hire JAY Gruden in 2014 is the most Dan Snyder hiring imaginable.

Eggit:

This team is a "choose your own adventure" of how shit is going to implode.

Our QB made this video

Sam:

The fact that the Redskins hide in the worst state in the union (Virginia, of course) all year long minus sixteen frustrating days in the fall, is a big "fuck you" to all of us DC/MD non-racist yankees.

Owen:

We suck because RedskinsFacts.com looks like a fucking press release from North Korea. I almost half expect it to say "the word 'redskin' was conceived at the top of the Washington Monument under a double rainbow," or some shit like that.

Jon:

After reading the recent profile of Jerry Jones on ESPN, my first take-away was this guy is an alcoholic; he appears to be drunk on Johnny Walker Blue Label in every scene. My second take-away was this guy comes across as far more likable and charming than Dan Snyder ever could. Dan Snyder should become an alcoholic.

Rob:

Larry Michael is a person who accepts payment for ignoring his morals and doing any and everything a man asks him to do which results in him making another man feel better about himself (Snyder). Larry Michael rests his head on the crotch of Dan Snyder, which is about 18 inches from the ground. Screw this franchise.

Kyle:

An integral phrase of our fight song (Hail Victory!) translates to Sieg Heil in German, which was kind of a favorite phrase of that Hitler guy you all might have heard of.

Drew:

He's going to be alive for so much longer. Can you imagine this guy after 35 more years in his gold-plated, zebra-striped echo chamber?

I'm going to spend half my life watching Synder slowly distill into the perfect blend of Donald Sterling, Jerry Jones, and David Seigel, clutching my team to his chest all the while. #redskinsfacts

CJ:

I used to think DC sports teams failed because we were just unlucky, but now I know it's actually karmic retribution for our stubborn, hypocritical, unabashedly racist fan base. I wanted to believe most fans saw the name for the travesty it was, but NOPE — most DC fans are solidly on board with it. There's no possible way any DC fan actually believes the team name is an homage— we're just emotionally attached to our slur nickname, so we refuse to act like human beings with functioning souls. We somehow make Ravens fans look like decent human beings by comparison, which is like Ebola making Leprosy look pretty awesome.

We deserved it when RG3's knee exploded the first time, and we will fucking deserve it when it happens again.

Ken:

Think about everything you hear about Washington in the news: The disingenuous, corrupt, racist white jerkoffs bankrupting the country. The gutless fucks who say that there's "no simple solution" to people with AR-15s shooting up public places... but legislate what gay people can order at Chipotle. The defense lobbyists and "think tank" fucks who never grew out of playing with toy soldiers, who go home at the end of each day to their house in Reston and jack off thinking about dropping bombs on brown people.

Think about all that, and then imagine the sports franchise they deserve.

Voila. Redskins.

Ray:

I started watching football around 1986 or so, and looked around at all the guys rooting for Washington. Even as a barely school aged kid, I recognized the fanbase as exactly what they were: a bunch of barely-educated, chaw-spitting, cousin-fucking, albino trash hill filth.

Adam:

I was gifted a ticket to a Monday night football game between Washington and Pittsburgh. There were so many terrible towels flapping around that they were smacking people in the eye. Literally you couldn't slink your way out of your row to buy another $12 beer without getting hit by one.

Mark:

Why Your Team Sucks 2014: Washington Redskins

Rocky:

Dan Snyder has turned the Skins into a marketing team that just happens to play football. Season tickets invoices must be paid in full by the end of March and if you're lucky the first home preseason tickets get mailed out a week and a half before the first game in August. But at least you don't have to pay with a Redskins branded credit card any more. What a saint.

I've seen the Fed Ex officials take snack crackers out of an old lady's purse and throw them away before she could enter the stadium. When Snyder learned some fans were parking for free at Landover Mall, he prohibited foot traffic into the stadium via a public road. Yeah that's right. You were not allowed to walk into the stadium. After three long years this was finally overturned by the County.

The walk to the upper level of Fed Ex, where the majority of the seats are, is a tremendously difficult walk for an elderly person or someone with a handicap. But don't worry because Snyder has put in only one escalator to the upper level for a stadium that seats 80,000 people. Needless to say it's so crowded it's dangerous. People routinely get knocked over and stepped on. I still remember the one game where it worked on every level from the 1st to 4th levels. It was our Super Bowl.

Andrew:

Steve Spurrier used his entire playbook (including a flea flicker!!!) in his first preseason game as head coach.

Ned:

RG3 will be lifeless on the field in the second quarter of week 1s game vs Houston. Watt AND Clowney? Fuck. Me.

People actually think Kirk Cousins is a better QB than RG3 and it makes me sick. Our secondary is going to suck. The only thing I can guarantee about this season is that D-Hall will make one decent pass breakup in the 1st quarter, proceed to talk so much shit and then get burned for 3 TDs over the next 3 drives.

Sarah:

Last year I had a friend visiting from overseas who wanted to experience American football. Her stay coincided with Washington's last preseason game so I bought us some lower nosebleed, end zone tickets. With parking (which was a field about half a mile from the stadium) ‎it cost me $300 for a Tuesday night, preseason game. Oh, and we sat in traffic for an hour to get into the parking lot.

I'm a lifelong fan. I love my team. This was totally not worth it.

Roy:

Larry Michael is a complete dick-licker. Snyder could shit in a paper bag and sell it for $50 and Larry would laud it as the best deal since the Louisiana Purchase.

Matt:

Dan Snyder is proof that you can have an approximate IQ of one hamster on a wheel, but as long as you own an NFL team, the NFL will prop you up no matter how absurdly bad your decision making is. You never hear a good thing about this team in the news. It is just one bad PR disaster after another, to the point where you have to wonder how team stooge Tony Wyllie still has a job. Did you get insulted in a second-rate newspaper? Don't ignore it like a sensible person. Instead, sue them, make a circus out of it, and in fact draw more attention to what was said. That's the Wyllie Way! Don't change the name of your absurdly racist team where the misconceived color of a person's skin is in the title. Instead, trot out token Native Americans to try and prop yourself up and then have them tell you to fuck off and take that prop right out from under you. Working for Snyder must be the easiest job in the world. You could be the absolute worst at it and, unless you deliberately and openly torpedo it like Shanny did last year, Snyder will still overpay you to be there.

Top all that off with one of the shittiest stadiums in the league, the yearly draft pick fire sale (All picks must go!), and a cavalcade of players and coaches just stopping by to collect a paycheck and you pretty much have all you need to develop a deep self-hatred complex about your own fandom. You pretty much can't say you're a fan without having to spend the next 3 minutes taking abuse for it. Why do any of us even do it anymore?

David:

FedEx Field looks like a Soviet apartment block. It's the most depressing building in Landover, Maryland and that's not an uncontested designation.

Being a Redskins fan in D.C. is like living in North Korea – the media controlled by the iron-fisted dictator makes you believe you're supporting the best side and nobody has it better than you but outside the sealed borders (or I-495 in this analogy) everyone gets a good chuckle or two out of your antics.

You will never see another 3-13 team command more headlines than the Washington Redskins.

Fred Davis got shitfaced drunk and fell asleep at the wheel of his outrageously expensive car on a weekday in the middle of Tyson's Corner, only a few months after delivering the funniest legal depositions of all time in which he went toe-to-toe with his female prostitute broker over whether or not he poured a drink on her in a nightclub. That all actually happened; I don't really have anything to add.

Alex:

Dan Snyder is an ignorant, racist fuck.


AFC South: Titans | Jaguars | Texans | Colts

NFC South: Falcons | Buccaneers | Panthers | Saints

AFC West: Chargers | Chiefs | Raiders | Broncos

NFC West: Rams |Cardinals | 49ers | Seahawks

AFC North: Steelers | Bengals | Browns | Ravens

NFC North: Bears | Packers | Lions | Vikings

AFC East: Jets | Dolphins | Bills | Patriots

NFC East: Skins | Giants