Some people are fans of the Miami Dolphins. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Miami Dolphins. This 2015 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.

Your team: Miami Dolphins. MIAMI FUCKIN’ FLORIDA…

Your 2014 record: 8-8. Second year in a row! KEEPIN’ IT NICE AND STEADY.

Your coach: Joe Philbin. Still not fired! We’ll get there. Beats having Nick Saban around, though.

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Your quarterback: Ryan Tannehill, who has toes for thumbs. Ten years from now, Tannehill will still be playing for the Dolphins and everyone will still be like, “Is he good? He may not be good.” It’s hard to tell when you’re getting sacked 46 times a year. The Dolphins handed Tannehill a contract extension this offseason because A) Andrew Luck and Russell Wilson hadn’t signed extensions yet, so they still had a small window in which to lowball Tannehill, and B) Since Dan Marino retired, this team will cling like Rob Konrad to a piece of driftwood to ANYONE who might potentially be a marginally capable quarterback. It’s just a shame that Tannehill gets better protection from his wife’s arsenal than from his teammates up front.

By the way, once Tannehill goes down this season, the Dolphins have a secret weapon ready in his place. Is it? Could it be? IT IS!

HE’S ALIVE! JOSH FREEMAN IS ALIVE! Imagine being a defender and seeing Josh Freeman come into the game. It’s like seeing the boss leave work early. I’d be elated.

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What’s new that sucks: CONGRATULATIONS, MIAMI! You won the Ndamukong Suh Sweepstakes! That’s 60 million guaranteed for the most inevitable free agent tank job since Albert Haynesworth. Did I mention that Suh has already skipped out on the team’s offseason workouts? KNOCK ME OVER WITH A FUCKING FEATHER, which Suh will then stomp on. Yes, nothing says you’ve rid your team of its bullying ways like importing the dirtiest man in football and handing Mike Pouncey a five-year contract extension. Holy Jesus. Say what you will about the New York Jets: At least they don’t intend to have the locker room meltdown every year. In Miami, that’s all by design.

In other news, the Dolphins have helped out Tannehill by clearing out the entire receiving corps and bringing in Jordan Cameron (hurt), Greg Jennings (old), Kenny Stills (bad), and Devante Parker (rookie). This is keeping with owner Stephen Ross’s plan of surrounding the team with people who kinda LOOK like stars but are not. Like Fergie. Did you know Fergie is a part-owner of this train wreck? She’s even listed in the official directory…

Jesus. That’s the worst telethon lineup in history, right there. The Dolphins’ main ambition is to be the low-rent football Lakers. It’s hard to watch for any number of reasons. The only reason the Fins don’t get more shit from locals is because the Marlins are in town, and the Marlins are pure evil. Miami even made Ross and the Dolphins pay for ALL of their stadium upgrades. God bless you, Miami. The fucker just had to sit there and take it.

Also: Dion Jordan has been suspended for the entire season. This doesn’t really affect the Dolphins, since they drafted him only to play on every eighth third down during the ninth phase of the lunar cycle. Highly, highly situational player. He’ll be back when the roof is finally up.

What has always sucked: Fuck Dan Marino. Honestly. Until the day the Dolphins franchise sinks in the sea, I will have to hear about Dan fucking Marino, who was a red asshole, and wasn’t that good to begin with, and now has to sit there like a pud while other, better QBs slowly erase his name from the record books. That’s exactly what Dan Marino deserves. He’s so, so bitter that today’s quarterbacks don’t get hit. I love his bitterness. I will eat it for brunch. He even has to sit there and watch the present-day Dolphins have other teams successfully pull the fake spike on them. “HEY! THAT USED TO BE MY THING!” Not anymore, fucko. This is what the Dolphins get for being the ultimate live-in-the-past team. All the cool stuff they used to do is now done to them.

Football-wise, Philbin still has all the gravitas of a school guidance counselor. The red zone offense is shit. The running backs are puke. The defensive end fucks hookers bareback in the club and needs a Z-Pak afterward to keep his blood clean. The local college team has a bigger national following and doesn’t throw its undefeated seasons from yesteryear in everybody’s face. They’re so poorly mismanaged that they have to overpay to convince free agents to come to Miami. MIAMI! Luring athletes to the most fun city in America should be a cinch, but the Dolphins have monkeyfucked their way out of that enormous location advantage. Their most famous players are all retired dudes. Their most notable people from this offseason were a guy who ran a Ponzi scheme and a guy who probably didn’t swim 27 miles to shore from his boat. They are pathologically unable to absorb ANY of their hometown’s glamour. Just switch them with the fucking Jags already and be done with it.

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Also, fuck that Hootie song. Christ, the people from my generation… I apologize to the world on behalf of them. I didn’t agree to ANY of the 1990s. I want that noted for the record.

What might not suck: DID YOU HEAR TOM BRADY MIGHT BE SUSPENDED?!!

Hear it from Dolphins fans!

Daniel:

I had a moment of realization while walking around Los Angeles a couple of weeks ago and seeing billboards / bus stop ads for Ballers all over the place.

In the ads, The Rock is shoving a supposed Miami Dolphins Super Bowl ring in everyone’s face. The sad part: I am jealous of the fake Dolphins’ fake fan base in this fake universe on this fictional HBO Entourage-knockoff—-they actually got to see a Super Bowl win in their lifetime, something I am sure I will never witness. That is what this franchise has done to me.

Also, on the show, his character is a franchise legend who was unceremoniously traded to New Orleans for 2 mediocre corners, while waiting on a phone call that never came from the GM, instead of being allowed to retire a member of the team he broke his body for. Nailed it—-pure Dolphins.

Tony:

If you want to see this football team completely implode and shit the bed, tell them they only need to win 1 game against meaningless teams to get into the playoffs. Feel free to bet your life savings against it...they cannot and will not do it.

Rohan:

I want to fight Jeff Ireland underwater.

Elliott:

On my way out of Joe Robbie following the 2013 week 17 loss to the jets that knocked Miami out of the playoffs, I was silent until I decided to slam a garbage can as we walked by. My sister claims that I nearly accidentally socked a child that I never saw in the face. Whoops.

Dan:

Miko Grimes is a 9/11 truther, and Omar Kelly is still an asshole.

Phil:

I am sure Dallas Thomas is a nice guy. I’m sure his friends like him and he’s good to his mom. Unfortunately, he’s a trainwreck as a football player. I know this, as does anyone who watched more than about 10 minutes of Miami Dolphins football over the last 2 years. He’s singlehandedly cost the Dolphins at least 2 or 3 games in that time, most notably the one 2 years ago where Mario Williams stuffed a ballgag in his mouth and rode him around the field for four quarters. And yet, we’re going to trot him out as a starting guard. Again. We’re going to do this because Joe Philbin is bound and determined to prove to the world that this man can be a competent offensive lineman, and he’s willing to risk Ryan Tannehill’s health and his own job to demonstrate this. So, 10 points for having the courage of your convictions, and minus several thousand for good judgment.

Patrick:

Well we did build our stadium over an Indian burial ground. So that probably doesn’t help.

Matt:

This is the most talented roster we’ve had in 12 years. Harvard says we’re the best team in the AFC. Tom Brady is (for now) suspended for 25% of the season. And the Jets and Bills have the combined QB talent of Doug Funny. We’ll go 8-8. Fuck Joe Philbin.


Sean:

I’ve been subjected to year after year of purposeful mediocrity.

Frog:

If you took every quarterback that has been on the Dolphins’ roster since Dan Marino retired and sewed them ass-to-mouth human centipede style, they could reach the moon and back three times.

Superfuck Nick Saban with a rusty drive shaft.

Manuel:

Their #finsup slogan is dumb as shit.

Seamus:

Miami is not a place for attachments. Miamians would tear down a cherished landmark in a microsecond if they thought a Chipotle might go up in its place. History basically began in 1981 here.

Michael:

Our last 5 playoff appearances:

2008: L 27-9

2001: L 20-3

2000: W 23-17, L 27-0

1999: W 20-17, L 62-0

1998: W 24-17, L 38-3

One goddamn playoff appearance since 2001 and we got knocked out by an average score of 35-5 in our last 5 appearances

Matt:

I’ve been a Dolphins fan living in the UK since they lost to the Giants in London in 2007. The only reason I chose the Dolphins that day is that they gave out free towels. The Dolphins literally had to bribe me to support them.

Sam:

I have now had three decades of my dad regaling me with stories of the glory days he got to see, all while I am stuck following a team who I’ve only seen play in the Super Bowl in Ace Fucking Ventura.

Michael:

Ask any Dolphins fan what the 2015 season will hinge on and they will bring up guard play. That’s right: guard play. The Dolphins struggle finding two competent starters for what amounts to be the least-skilled and most abundant position in the entire sport. We Miami fans imagine that Bill Belichick simply finds two fat derelicts rummaging through a dumpster out behind a Boston Pizza each year and turns them into a Super Bowl-winning line while we can’t keep our clueless quarterback off the grass 50 times a year with 2nd-round picks. The only good guard the Fins have had since Keith Sims is Richie Incognito, the football player equivalent of the Confederate Flag.

Tim:

I’ve been a season ticket holder for 23 years and the loudest I’ve ever heard the stadium was in 2007 week 14 when Cleo Lemon hit Greg Camarillo on a 80 yard TD in overtime (Ed Reed was defending) to beat the Ravens.

With the win, the Dolphins improved their record to 1-13.

Nelson:

NFL players usually have some choice in where they decide to play. A guy with a brand looking for exposure will go to New York. A guy that wants to win a Super Bowl more than anything right now goes to Seattle. A guy that wants to work on his legend game will go to New England. But Miami?? A guy that actually wants to play in Miami is all about guns, ratchet club girls, coke, and hepatitis.

The most time and energy I have ever put into being a Dolphins fan is when I read every single text message between Incognito and Martin.

Rick:

Dolphin fans buy tickets as investments to sell to those frozen assholes from New England , New York or god forbid Buffalo when those teams play here in Fucking December.

Julio:

Every year follows pretty much the same script:

- Hey! We signed (insert BIG OVERPAID FREE AGENT name here)! I’m feeling pretty good about this season!

- ::BIG OVERPAID FREE AGENT disgruntled or injured by game 6::

- That draft pick is not bad! I can see him being a solid contributor

- ::Draft pick is bullied and gives up or is injured by week 7::

- We beat the Patriots/Seahawks/other team expected to do well early in the season!

- Lose 5 games in a row immediately after

- Ok, we’ve still got a shot at this. All we have to do is beat the 1-14 Jets in the last game and we’re in the playoffs!

- Lose to the Jets by 30

- Get obnoxiously drunk and talk shit about how much it sucks to be a Dolphins fan

Chip:

The last time the Dolphins were really good, we had two white running backs.

Jen:

Way back in the day my uncle, who had a loose affiliation with the team, made his annual trek to Miami for a game and some sort of fundraiser. Ever hopeful, I asked him if he could get me some autographs while he was there. Unfortunately, this happened to be one of those game where the Dolphins got blown out at home by the Bills. (The Bills! WTF!) And the only thing my uncle had was the front page sports section showing Dan Marino getting sacked by Cornelius Bennett. So yes, I have Don Shula’s and Dan Marino’s autograph. Only I’m too ashamed to ever display it publicly. Which pretty much sums up being a Dolphins fan.

Jack:

Philbin looks like the albino love child of Skeletor and Rick Scott

Submissions for the 2015 NFL previews are now closed. Next up: The Houston Texans.

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