Some people are fans of the Tampa Bay Bucs. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Tampa Bay Bucs. This 2015 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.
Your team: Tampa Bay Bucs
Your 2014 record: 2-14. And yet 2-14 doesn’t even begin to hint at how abysmal the Bucs were last season. This is the team that spotted a 6-10 Atlanta team a 56-0 lead after just three quarters, inspiring many stadium dick-pats in the process. They also managed to lose to the Rams after a Mike Evans injury resulted in a 10-second runoff of the clock. That’s life under Lovie Smith for you. You don’t even get the pleasure of seeing your team fuck up at the end of a game, because they fuck up BEFORE that fuckup, and squander the chance to fuck up that fuckup, and then they lose.
Also, a Bengals fan punched one of your fans right into the street. A Bengals fan! You know how weak and slow Bengals fans are? That’s like getting punched out by a dying Labrador.
Your coach: Lovie Smith. There are certain head coaches who make for disastrous retreads, and Lovie Smith is one of them. We all think of Rich Kotite as a walking punchline, but Rich Kotite went 36-28 as head coach of the Eagles before he burned the Jets to the ground. It took that second job for his true shittiness to be laid bare. That’s where Lovie Smith is right now. He’s right in the Mooch Zone. Five months from now, when he staggers out of Tampa with five total wins to his name, people will ask, “How the fuck did THAT guy take a team to a Super Bowl?” And there will be no good answer. They’re gonna resurrect those shitty Coors Light press conference ads just for the moment Lovie gets shitcanned. I can wait.
Your quarterback: FUCK HER RIGHT IN THE PUSSY! Congratulations, Tampa! You just won yourself 10 years of getting defensive whenever someone mentions collegiate rape accusations! I think you’ll be impressed by how seamlessly FSU Twitter morphs into Bucs Twitter. You won’t even realize what’s happened until you’ve got yourself an egg avatar and you’re beefing with everyone in sight. “This girl can’t keep her story straight GET THE FACTS!” It’s fun! And all for this guy …
Never gets old. It’s the Buttfumble of college football lore. Remember: Jameis Winston threw 18 picks last year. Imagine sitting in a war room and saying to yourself, “Well, he threw 18 picks last year in an abominable conference. And he derped all over the Rose Bowl. And he stole crab legs. And he got suspended for doing the Tosh Serenade at the school cafeteria. And every other NFL fan will root for him to fail. And he may have raped a woman. And he couldn’t even show his face at the fucking draft because he knew he’d be booed for possibly raping a woman. LET’S TAKE HIM FIRST.”
The most amazing thing is that the Bucs, like every authoritative body at FSU, were covering for Jameis even BEFORE they were stupid enough to draft him. They had to lay an intricate groundwork of rose-colored bullshit:
“To me, I think he’s told us an awful lot with how he’s handled it,” Smith said. “It’s not like he’s getting ready to go into the NFL and scrutiny is coming his way.”
Yes! In that way, I’m GLAD he was accused of rape! Really steels you for the rigors of pro football. If only EVERY prospect were accused of rape. It’s the Oklahoma Drill of legal entanglements. TOUGHENS THE BODY AND THE MIND.
Of course, now that the Bucs have procured Winston, they’re taking it one step further by trying to change the narrative and paint him as some kind of mutant football savant. He’s a sponge! He studies a lot! They aren’t using training wheels! His football IQ is wayyyy higher than his criminal IQ! Essentially, they’re telling you that his football output will be so good that you will have no choice but to put the rest of Jameis’ baggage out of your mind. Not only is this cynical—even craven—but it could also all be a pack of lies. Let’s see that gif one more time…
That’s against Oregon, mind you. Oregon doesn’t even play defense. Don’t try to sell me on this lumbering turnover machine before I’ve seen his fat ass play a single down. Fuck you for openly trying to polish that turd in front of America.
What’s new that sucks: Apart from all that? Nothing much, really. Oh, wait! WARREN SAPP WON’T STOP BITING WOMEN. And pulling an Al Haynesworth on them to boot (no pun intended). Boy, this franchise really knows how to pick winners. Can’t we take away their Super Bowl victory? They only won it because Oakland was literally too stupid to change their audibles.
Also: former kicker Lawrence Tynes sued the team for giving him leprosy. And the team was forced to start paying employees after the Tampa Bay Times found out they were using unpaid homeless people to sell beer, a scheme that would make Sepp Blatter cream his fondue in excitement. And get excited for the team’s new RV lot! Yes, that’s right: the Bucs have finally catered to their core demographic of nomadic NASCAR white trash. They may well put an infield at the 50-yard line so that Jethro and his kin and set up their tailgate. Bring back the mobile strip club! That was still the best thing ever about Bucs football.
Oh, were you wondering about what’s happening on-the-field shit? Well, it’s the Bucs, so they’re still fucking terrible. Unless you count the addition of Bruce Carter and the immortal CHRIS CONTE as some kind of defensive masterstroke (it is not). They’re still the Bucs, and they are still a living blood clot on your television screen. And their defensive backfield still handles receivers about as well as they handle contraband fireworks.
Also, Doug Martin sucks now. He doesn’t even like being called the Muscle Hamster anymore, so he is both shitty AND humorless. He makes me sad. Maybe Jameis Winston will trip over him and make me feel better.
What has always sucked: The alarm clock unis are back! The time is always BUCS P.M.!
What might not suck: Mike Evans! Holy shit, Mike Evans is a beast. He’s gonna make Jameis look good, and it’s gonna be such a letdown. I want Jameis to go 0-16, but he can just chuck the ball 30 yards down the field and Evans will probably catch it while standing on the shoulders of the man covering him. Don’t fuck with Mike Evans.
Hear it from Bucs fans!
Our team trainer once cut the tip of Alvin Harper’s finger off.
The Bucs suck because we have gone from Raheem Morris to Greg Schiano to Lovie Smith and somehow GOT WORSE.
We had the first pick for the first time in forever (despite always being awful) and we spent it on a talented risk recently accused of rape who is about to go through a massive distraction of a civil trial.
Our best player is a HOF-caliber defensive tackle who nobody knows because in his 5 years in the league the team has combined to win like 12 games.
Every game you go to feels like it is on the surface of the sun and you are likely going to sit next to a Bud Light soaked hick who is one Bucs turnover away from screaming a racial slur.
I cannot think of a worse combination of traits than the average human attending games at Raymond James. The demo is the intersection of the venn diagram of Southern white-trash, Beachy white-trash and typical NFL fan white-trash.
Brad Johnson is the best quarterback in franchise history.
Last year there was a QB controversy between Josh McCown and Mike Glennon. They fixed that issue by drafting the accused rapist from upstate with a creepy smile.
Five short years ago, I watched in person as the Bucs mudholed Seattle behind Josh Freeman’s 5 glorious TD passes that put them squarely in playoff contention at 9-6 with one game left. I thought, “Damn, they might just be legit.”. They went 10-6 and lost the wild card tiebreaker to eventual Super Bowl champ Green Bay.
Since then, they’ve gone 17-47. The Seahawks have gone 43-21 and won a Super Bowl. Fuck the Bucs.
Ever since our team won the Super Bowl back in 1597, we quickly became every team’s inspiration for how-not to run an organization. We have lost more games in the past TWO seasons than the Patriots have lost since 2008. And our big reward for winning two games last year? Drafting the horniest quarterback in league history. But things should work out OK since Tampa only has a strip club on every corner.
When I tell people from Florida I’m a BUCS fan they just stare at me in shock and wonder why.
The next person from Florida I meet who is a Bucs fan will be the first.
Warren Sapp is a Grade-A piece of shit. Welcome to Tampa Bay’s Ring of Honor!
Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It’s simple. Just email me and give me ample evidence of why your team sucks: personal anecdotes, encounters with fans, etc. I’ll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Submissions will be cut off at some point. Next team up: Tennessee Titans.
Photo via AP