Photo: Charlie Riedel/AP

You there. Yes, you. Guess what you will not be doing tonight. You will not be skipping the Super Bowl. Sorry.

I’ve heard it all before. I don’t care about football and I can watch all the too-hot-for-TV commercials on my own time, thank you very much and I was never planning on skipping the Super Bowl, you asshole and actually a dipshit blogger convinced me to stop enjoying a thing I and my family and all my friends have been enjoying my entire life—let me let you off the hook right here and now: all of this bold talk will go into the toilet before the end of the first quarter, and you will give in and watch the Super Bowl. Ignoring the Super Bowl is not for you—I’m afraid you just don’t have it in you.

I know this because I do have it in me. I am superior to you in this way—no offense. One of the many, many manifestations of this superiority is the ability to look at a person and see their character and you, I’m very sorry to report, have no character. You should not look upon this as a personal failure—actually, you are incapable of having character.

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Yes, it turns out watching the Super Bowl is the only true measure of a person’s character.

Perhaps you will try. Trying will be futile, but it will be a valiant, tragic effort. If you are the sort of person who likes to glimpse success before succumbing to failure, below is a list of programming other, superior people will be watching, while they sip expensive brown liquor out of clean Old Fashioned glasses in their tastefully appointed home offices. Maybe you can stop double-fisting slop in your pigsty hell-hole of a basement “man-cave” long enough to click on over during a break in the action.

Other Sports

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Truly excellent people have no need of other sports. We watch pre-recorded dog and fish contests.

6 p.m. — Nat Geo Wild — Fish Bowl IV

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Definitely the most absurd way to spend Super Bowl Sunday.

6:01 p.m. — Animal Planet — Puppy Bowl XIII

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There’s a replay of this at 8:02 p.m., and again at 10:03 p.m.

TV Reruns

6 p.m. — USA — Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

Here’s a glimpse at the scope of the surrender of competing networks on Super Bowl Sunday: Spike is running a marathon of Cops; REELZ has a marathon of something called Gangsters: America’s Most Evil; E! is running a marathon of Revenge Body with Khloé Kardashian; TNT has a marathon of Tyler Perry movies; Syfy is running Mega Shark vs. Kolossus; and VH-1 is running a marathon of Rock of Love with Bret Michaels. It’s a fucking bloodbath out there.

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6 p.m. — AMC — The Walking Dead

This marathon is totally upright counterprogramming. Props.

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6 p.m. — BBC America — Star Trek

This is a good day-long marathon, featuring episodes going back to Season 3 of the original series.

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6:15 p.m. — Comedy Central — South Park

If a network is going to roll over and play dead, this is at least a vaguely funny way of doing it.

7 p.m. — ABC — America’s Funniest Home Videos

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ABC has a couple of these queued up back-to-back to overlap with the first half of the big game. Beware, these are Alfonso Ribeiro episodes. He’s a thousand times more talented than Tom Bergeron, but on a show like AFHV, that winds up making things more depressing.

7 p.m. — Science — Mythbusters

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Episodes lined up all the way through the Super Bowl.

7 p.m. — Sundance — Law & Order

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Hey, Sundance got something right! This is a day-long run of Briscoe and Green-era Law & Order. Enjoy.

8 p.m. — Comet — Mystery Science Theater 3000

Old reliable.

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8 p.m. — FXX — The Simpsons

Episodes in tonight’s mini-marathon include the groan-inducing “Homer Goes to College,” the uneven but acceptable “The Last Temptation of Homer,” and a bunch of more recent shit that will make you feel like an idiot for ever having loved The Simpsons.

Movies

5:30 p.m. — FXM — Les Misérables

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As Super Bowl counterprogramming goes, this really isn’t bad. If you sit through the first 75 minutes of this thing, you just might feel the urge to keep track of it for its second and third acts. It has some gutsy, high-wire vocal performances from Hugh Jackman and Anne Hathaway, in particular.

5:30 p.m. — FreeForm — Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1

Part of a day-long marathon of Harry Potter movies carefully timed to land the finale opposite the second half of the Super Bowl.

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7 p.m. — IFC — The Omen

Lee Remick has a very good scared face. Her character’s death in this movie is pretty damn upsetting. SPOILER ALERT!

7:30 p.m. — Logo — The Hand That Rocks the Cradle

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Slim pickings in the movie department, friends.

7:30 p.m. — Ovation — Dave

Ovation shifts from here to Legally Blonde, if that’s your thing.

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8 p.m. — TCM — Casablanca

Look. Casablanca is not going to siphon viewers away from FOX tonight. But give TCM a little credit—they picked the strongest movie in their arsenal of classic movies and ran it against the goddamn Super Bowl! That’s totally not throwing in the towel. God bless those crusty old fucks.

9 p.m. — FreeForm — Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

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Weirdly, at midnight FreeForm pivots to Joel friggin’ Osteen.

Seriously, the Super Bowl is a huge fucking event. Everyone will be watching it, and you don’t have to be an NFL fan or a football fan to tune in. You’re cool. Still, screw the NFL, right in the padded ear hole.