UK/Canada Spat Uncharacteristically Crude, Penis-Related

The English papers have been taking shots at Canada's running of the games. One Canadian columnist fires back with accusations of premature ejaculation. Yep. We've reached that point.

Transportation problems, weather- and Zamboni-related delays, and, oh yeah, a dead luger. It's not like one has to look far for possible points of criticism. But apparently the British paper have a history of criticism:

Don't take it personally, Vancouver. The boys of former Fleet Street took mere days to write off Calgary in 1988 before it went on to earn the International Olympic Committee's "best-ever Games" seal of approval.

That's the sage advice of Don Martin, who might not realize that Juan Antonio Samaranch's personal tradition was to say that about every games at the closing ceremony. Every Olympics from 1980 through 2000 were the "best-ever Games."

Martin is so offended by the English taking cheap shots at Canada, that he...takes cheap shots at England. Let's go down the checklist.

Athletic failures? Check.

Perhaps they're dreadfully bored. After all, the BBC alone has more personnel at the Games than the kingdom's entire 52-member sports team. There's also dispiriting news that bookies back home predict the U.K. will experience a medal shutout in Vancouver, with only an outside shot at the curling podium.

Financial problems? Check.

Other U.K reporters predict financial disaster for Vancouver, a defensive move given that London's 2012 Summer Olympics are already $1.8-billion over budget.

Civil liberties? Check.

They complain of heavy-handed customs officials and no-nonsense security, which is a tad rich for a future Games host where police will have the right to enter homes without a warrant and Olympic officials can storm residences or enterprises near Games venues to search for protest material.

Sexual dysfuntion? Check. Wait, what?

This silly war of trans-Atlantic words will continue if British journalists continue their campaign to maliciously malign a Games that is barely 100 hours old.

Perhaps it's a genetic disposition. After all, Utrecht University in the Netherlands recently found 40 percent of British men suffer from a premature tendency which, unfortunately for them and their partners, is medically defined as an inability to last more than a minute in bed.

People, people, what would your common Head of State think? And you wouldn't want the Americans to lose their impressions of you both as couth and refined. Stick to the usual stereotypes of being backwoods, or having horrible teeth, and stay away from each other's penises.

Gold for whining goes to... British reporters [Canwest News Service]