Manny Ramirez's Dreads Will Cause Drug Use, Abortion, Gayness, Blindness, Fan Tells The A's Triple-A Affiliate In Insane Voicemail

This disgruntled fan of the Sacramento River Cats would like you to know that she is NOT fuddy duddy. Nor is she a crackpot. She just thinks that Manny Ramirez's dreadlocks are the reason that "unwholesomeness" is spreading across the American landscape. I strongly urge you to listen to this voicemail in its entirety, as the lady builds to a comedic crescendo so perfectly timed, it feels as if the entire thing was scripted by a UCB troupe. And be sure to note how often she touches on the issue of dreadlocks being a blindness hazard. She really has that talking point down. Some highlights:

• "I'm a viewer of television and I noticed that Manny Rodriguez [sic] has these long, long dreadlocks." • "Lotta people out here don't feel these people should be able to play with this long hair." • "It flies in the faces of um uh uh first second and third base when they're tagging them out and it could hurt their eyes... it could really hurt them!" • "They don't wash that hair!" • "Any long hair should be out!" • "They have to cut it in a lot of sports. I don't think they can have it in swimming!" • "Long hair and drugs, we all know, goes together. It's just like a cheater and liar, what Dr. Phil says, goes hand in hand. When they cheat on a house, they also are a liar." • "It doesn't look wholesome." • "You really need to give this message to the executive committee." • "I'm a lady and I am not a fuddy duddy." • "They're all gettin' in trouble on steroids and using cortisone for energy... THAT STUFF CAUSES CANCER. That's why Lance Armstrong, the bike guy, got cancer." • "We study this stuff." • "And then it gets into ... people start OKing abortion and gay marriage. It gets into a lot of stuff that is NOT according to the Bible or according to the American values." • "It's a lazy thing, having this long hair!" • "It looks like a girl!"

OBLIGATORY: Now Johnny Unitas, there's a haircut you can set your watch to.

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