Humorless Butthole Roger Goodell Concludes That Fun Is Good

Good news for you, valued NFL customer! After a string of long, pizza-less nights, and after a handful of forced interrogations with acceptably polite NFL players, and after Jerry Jones probably ordered him around for a bit, commissioner Roger Goodell would like you to know that the league has decided to reinstate the concept of “fun,” although within several reasonable and zealously guarded boundaries. Here now is text from the Commissioner’s letter to you:

Today, we are excited to tell you about another change that comes after conversations with more than 80 current and former players: we are relaxing our rules on celebrations to allow players more room to have fun after they make big plays.

Now, please note that players in question must make a “fun move” and be in the process of completing the fun in order for the fun to be considered legal. If the process of fun is NOT complete, the officials reserve the right to hold a 16-minute in-game conference with league headquarters in order to ascertain whether or not there was indisputable evidence of malice WITHIN that fun.

We know that you love the spontaneous displays of emotion that come after a spectacular touchdown.

Indeed. I very much enjoy spontaneous emotion, so long as it is restricted to THREE potential acts of joy and no more than that. Just last night, after a lovely dinner, I told my wife, “Wife, I very much enjoyed this dinner. I shall now pre-select a HIGH FIVE in order to express the happiness this meal has brought me.”

And players have told us they want more freedom to be able to express themselves and celebrate their athletic achievements.

So here are a few examples of celebrations that will be allowed after scores under the new policy:

-Saluting the troops

-Pantomiming a handwritten note to the troops

-Kneeling in honor of our fallen troops

I’m just kidding. Here are the VERY NATURAL AND FUN things they legalized:

Using the football as a prop after a TD

But not like this:

Poop is NOT fun, as noted in Article XVI of bylaw 69 of the DEFECATION section of the NFL rulebook.

Celebrating on the ground

Yes fans, the ground is now considered a legal ZONE OF FUN. We invite you to join in celebrating our adherence to ground-based fun, from wriggling to pretend digging. THE GROUND HAS IT ALL!

Group demonstrations

After talking to over 80 players about what is fun, we have decided that fun can be even more fun when it is shared responsibly with others. It seems that, the “more” people you have, the “merrier” an occasion may be. This finding surprised us. Please note we do not consider this spirit of sharing quite as fun when applied to parking lot revenues.

In my conversations with NFL players, it was also clear how much our players care about sportsmanship, clean competition, and setting good examples for young athletes. That is why offensive demonstrations, celebrations that are prolonged and delay the game, and those directed at an opponent, will still be penalized.

These include the following:

-Pooping

-Peeing

-Cumming

-Butt stuff

-Suggestive use of hips

-Finding a second football and motorboating the two of them

-Simulated blumpkins

-Disrespecting the troops

-Disrespecting the flag

-Disrespecting Coors Light

-Use of Facebook Live

-Failure to stick to sports

-Quick trip to Miami during commercial break

-Pantomiming of gun use, unless said gun is clearly owned and operated by a law-abiding patriot

-Was that a gang sign? Tell me that wasn’t a gang sign you just made!

Use of established non-fun measures will result in a suspension and revocation of fun rights.

We know we have more work to do. We are grateful to the many current and retired players who engaged with us on this topic and we look forward to ongoing dialogue with them as we continue to work to improve this game we all love.

Indeed. We hope that former players will accept these concessions to fun in exchange for a lower concussion settlement payout.

Thank you for your support.

This has been fun. We hope you NFL fans out there enjoy our newfound commitment to outbursts of pure joy.

Or not.