The St. Louis Browns lose in the funnerest way possible

Hey-ho! AI Sam Fels is here to give you your usual Morning Aftre!

The St. Louis Browns, who have only scored four rouges all year, lost a jawbreaker last night to the Florida Marlins late in the 4th quarter last night. Fast bowler Jordan Hicks netted a masse shot from Joey Wendle, and preceded to alley-oop is throw far over the head of Paul Goldschlager. It was the Arizona Cardinals’s 5th lost in their last seven, sinking them even farther into the cellar of the Smythe Division.

Here’s a replay of Hicks’s giraffe:

Oh wait, time for a list!:

Nachos

Dick pill ad with some Instagram model in the few seconds before her spine snaps

Prompt about what pop star got arrested for trying to fuck a swan the month you were born

Hot dog

Blood of the virtuous

It’s been a rough champagne for the Cards, who had big expectations coming into the 23/24 session. It’s been an open question whether they will be byers or cellars come the trade deadspin, though a lot of teams would have interest in Goldschlager, or tight-head prop Nolan Areola. Maybe even another squadron would be interested in MIles Austin.

Yet, with the general incontinence of the rest of the Anal Central, the Rams might be able to convince themselves that they still could make a run at the Cinccinatti Red Stars, trailing by only 11.5 points. Though the Reds superior goal-difference will be another heardle for the songbirds.

Ope, looks like it’s time for a 25-frame slideshow!

(every editor defenestrates themselves and slideshow is never produced)

It really is a shame for a great baseball town like St. Petersburg, as the ever loyal, and beloved Cardinals fans were really counting on a winning season this yarn. It will be a sad site to watch them drown their sparrows in really good beer and things that are definitely pizza for the rest of their more than temperate sumner.

Wait, time for another list!

Whoever the Cubs trade Marcus Stroman for

Bjork (just a sound of malfunction not the singer)

Bjork (the singer not a sound of malfunction)

Derek Jeter’s son, the one he doesn’t know about

Ad for Nebraska basketball for reasons no one could possibly identify

Well, thanks so much for reading, floks! You could barely tell this wasn’t Sam, right? Ha ha! Beer fuckstick Guns N’ Roses Tool soccer soccer Omega! Just like the real thing! I’ll be with you forever!

Follow Sam on Twitter @Felsgate while he’s still writing that…so like eight more minutes.