Last Night's Winner: Ankle Doctors

In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like our nation's orthopedic specialists, who now hold the entire world in their hands like a big blue swollen ankle.

By the way, sports are canceled this month, because no one can walk to the games anymore. In medical terminology, there are exactly three degrees of "sprain" that can affect the ligaments of the foot and ankle and they are all driving us mad. Dwight Freeney. Paul Pierce. Kalin Lucas. (Gaahh!) FAVRE. I'm pretty sure I heard Barack Obama say last week that the state of our Union is a second-degree separation of the calacaneofibular ligament. (It's in the transcript. Look it up.) This is a crisis, people.

Unless you're a board-certified musculoskeletal surgeon with a sports medicine concentration, in which case you should raise your fees. (Ditto for witch doctors.) The whole country wants to hire/talk to you and your electrostiumlation machines right now, because if we don't get back on our feet soon, they're going to have to turn Louisiana into a cast boot. You're crazy if you don't think China hasn't noticed our limp.

Honorable Mention: The rest of the Big Ten. I don't want to talk about it anymore.

What May Sideline Indianapolis Colts DE Dwight Freeney [PR Log] [Photo via]