Rick Reilly® Has Found A New, Bizarre Way To Express His Oral Fixation

Teeth jokes are out. Tongue-bathing is in.

Via Denver's Westword comes news that Rick Reilly®, having declared in April that he would "tongue-bathe the Capitol dome" if the Rockies made the playoffs, will make good on his pledge. Harf harf. But haven't we heard this before?

Indeed we have. In fact, I count seven times that Reilly has evoked the notion of "tongue-bathing" a person or an object should some outrageous event occur. A list:

Date: April 10, 2009 Tongue-bather: Rick Reilly Object to be tongue-bathed: The dome of the Colorado State Capitol Building in Denver Unlikely event upon whose completion tongue-bath would commence: Rockies make the playoffs. Outcome: Rockies make the playoffs.

Date: Aug. 09, 1999 Tongue-bather: Rick Reilly Object to be tongue-bathed: The Superdome Unlikely event upon whose completion tongue-bath would commence: Saints running back and recent signee Ricky Williams meets his outlandish contract incentives and "receives a drachma of that Terrell Davis money." Outcome: Williams does not receive a drachma of that Terrell Davis money.

Date: Oct. 2, 2000 Tongue-bather: Rick Reilly Object to be tongue-bathed: The bat at Yankee Stadium Unlikely event upon whose completion tongue-bath would commence: Yankees win the World Series. Outcome: Yankees win the World Series.

Date: Sept. 17, 2008 Tongue-bather: Rick Reilly Object to be tongue-bathed: Windsor Castle (initially, the Queen Mother) Unlikely event upon whose completion tongue-bath would commence: U.S. team does not win the Ryder Cup. Outcome: U.S. team wins the Ryder Cup.

Date: May 4, 2004 Tongue-bather: Longtime caddy Mike Carrick Object to be tongue-bathed: Osama bin Laden Unlikely event to which tongue-bath would be preferable: Carrick gives up caddying. Outcome: Carrick does not give up caddying.

Date: May 23, 1994 Tongue-bather: Rick Reilly Object to be tongue-bathed: Reader's cat Unlikely event upon whose completion tongue-bath would commence: Reader manages to "sit down and watch a baseball game start to finish without zapping [channels]." Outcome: Unknown.

Date: May 8, 2007 Tongue-bather: Raymond "Stick" Hart, narrator of Shanks for Nothing Object to be tongue-bathed: Cat belonging to golf course owner Froghair Unlikely event upon whose completion tongue-bath would commence: Froghair reconsiders selling golf course to nearby blue-blood country club. Outcome: Froghair does not sell golf course to nearby blue-blood country club.