16 Page 48 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Olympic Marathon Trials: The Victory Lap For Pretty Darn Good Runners
Of the 259 women and 217 men who qualified for the U.S. Olympic Marathon Trials, only about 10 in each field have an honest chance at finishing in the top three and going to Rio. But hundreds or even thousands more arranged the past four years of their lives around running a marathon or half-maratho...
A Broncos Pass Rusher Tried To Rub His Dong And Balls In Tom Brady's Face
The Denver Broncos went into Sunday’s AFC Championship game with a clear mission: Hit Tom Brady as many times as possible, and send the all-world quarterback running for his life. Thanks to The MMQB’s Robert Klemko, we know the Broncos’ intimidation campaign was mental as well as physical....
Do's And Don'ts Of Blizzard Survival, From A Snowed-In Dumbass
The thing to know is, we are still snowed in. The first flakes came down around lunchtime on Friday; the last, late on Saturday night. It’s Tuesday now, and we’re still snowed in. My kids can’t even remember what it’s like to interact with other humans....
Thomas Davis Breaks Arm, Vows To Play In Super Bowl Anyway
If there was a gloomy moment for the Panthers during their destruction of the Cardinals in the NFC Championship game, it was when linebacker Thomas Davis left the field with his right arm immobilized by the training staff. The injury, a broken arm, turned out to be as bad as it looked, but Davis sai...
This Snowstorm Sure Looks Like Something
Please remember New York City during the upcoming storm....
You Don’t Scare Me, Snow
By now, you are probably aware that the East Coast is about to get murdered with 50 tons of acid methane snow over the weekend. You know this because people who live on the East Coast believe that their weather is EVERYONE’S weather....
Deshaun Watson Deserved Better
It’s not right to call any part of Alabama’s 45-40 victory in last night’s national championship game fluky, but there’s no denying that they were carried to the win by precisely the kind of wild, momentum-swinging plays that we usually see buoying an underdog’s chances. ‘Bama was of course the favo...
Trump Endorses Brain Damage In Speech That Claims Football, Like America, Has Gone "Soft"
Donald Trump ranted at length today during a Reno campaign stop about how “soft” he believes the game of football has become, pointing to last night’s Steelers-Bengals game as an illustration of how player-safety rules are ruining America....
Nobody Is Paying The Electric Bill At One Of Rio's Olympic Stadiums
Add this to the pile of problems already arisen around the 2016 Summer Olympics, due to start in Rio de Janeiro in a few months: The power has been shut off at the stadium meant to host the track and field competitions, and nobody can decide who’s going to pay to turn it back on....
You Know Who Should Run For President? George Pataki
I mean, if the guy could get elected governor of New York as a Republican, he could be a heckuva candi—...
Fuck Off, Lindsey Graham
Lindsey Graham announced the end of his campaign for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination this morning. Don’t worry! He wants you to know that he still believes in his plan to wage needless war on a distant millenarian death cult whose lifeblood is the Western antagonism that certifies its ri...
Dana White: I'm Voting For Donald Trump
I mean, look, as a fight fan and as an American I feel like I should question why anyone would care about who Dana White is voting for; go on about why Dana White shouldn’t be okay with a guy who’s been in the news for wanting to ban Muslims from the United States; muse on whether publishing an item...
CNN Makes Charles Barkley Talk Politics To Promote Debate; Chuck Trashes "Awful" CNN
CNN is the home of next week’s Republican debate, and tonight’s ever-encroaching instance of corporate synergy found Turner’s Charles Barkley being forced, hostage-proof-of-life style, to talk politics. And talk he did, slamming Donald Trump and trashing CNN—saying the network has “done an awful job...
Muslim Sports Heroes Kareem Abdul-Jabbar And Muhammad Ali Condemn Donald Trump
A flopped-over traffic cone named Donald Trump who is uncomfortably close to controlling America’s nuclear arsenal has spent the last several days whipping up a xenophobic frenzy against Muslims, and among other things expressed bafflement at the possibility that there existed Muslim sports heroes....
Donald Trump Wants To Know If There Are Any Muslim Athletes
In a televised speech last night, United States President Barack Obama mentioned that many of our greatest athletes are Muslim. This caused Donald Trump, a fascist golem made of flypaper, to be like, “What Muslims?!?!”...
Bobby Jindal, Obsequious Twerp, Simpers The Fuck Out
Bobby Jindal will no longer pursue the 2016 Republican presidential nomination. He also will not pursue Alpha Centauri, or growing a second head out of his left shoulder, or the Elder Wand. Dogs will not shoot lasers from their eyes. The sun will not be a showerhead that sprays grapefruit juice. Man...
Zlatan Kills Denmark On The Field, Then Torches Them With Sick Burn
This version of Zlatan Ibrahimović is older and worse than the one we loved and feared. Not that a little thing like age could keep him from stomping out Denmark on his way to qualifying for Euro 2016, and dancing over the body in an interview after....
IAAF Suspends Russia From International Competitions
When the World Anti-Doping Agency published its damning report accusing Russia of running a state-sponsored doping program for international athletes, it asked the International Association of Athletics Federation to ban Russian track and field athletes from international competitions. Today, the IA...
The Only Rule Is Refusal: A Song For Rand Paul
By the end of last night’s debate, Rand Paul had been reduced to smirking and reciting the Real Fiscal Conservatism rulebook—You can’t spend trillions on the military and be a real conservative, so are you a real conservative?—like a five-year-old who’d caught a playmate in the irreconcilable though...