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Adrian Peterson Is Ranting On Twitter About America's Godlessness
Adrian Peterson is a great, great running back. This we knew. But we never knew before today that the young man was a budding Thomas Aquinas....

It Takes A Special Kind Of Mom To Disown Her Child Over Voicemail
Once in a while, we're offered a glimpse into the dark heart of the American family. The above voicemail is one such instance. Reader Ben provides the background:...

Dwyane Wade Copes With Brutal Game 5 Loss By Wearing Stupid Glasses
First it was Russell Westbrook, and now it's Dwyane Wade rocking a pair of glasses without lenses in the postgame locker room. Wade may be a fashionable man, but you can't pull off this look after you got your ass beat. LENS-FREE GLASSES ARE FOR CLOSERS. I'm not gonna go as far as Yahoo's Dan Wetzel...

This Is What Trying To Drive A Golf Cart Along A Highway After A Wedding Reception Looks Like
You know how this goes: The reception's over and everyone in the wedding party is slowly but surely getting their shit together to get on the hotel shuttle, where the party will likely continue. But Saturday night, just south of Pittsburgh, a couple of Yinzers had other ideas....

Philly's Premier Andy Reid Impersonator Watches A Russian Gang Fight For Us, Sees Shades Of T.O.
Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly celebration and analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fisticuffs: "Russian Gang Fight." Tonight's commentator: Andy Reid (or Ried) impersonator/Armenian/comedian Steve Odabashian....

Deadspin Up All Night: Every Single Night
Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. Erik Malinowski will be here soon, like whoa!...

The Canadiens Have Hired Michel Therrien So He Can Fail Again
Hockey is the only thing that keeps Canadians from committing mass suicide during drawn-out winters. And perhaps no one has been so close to suicide lately as the people of Montreal. When the Habs stumbled to a 13-12-7 start this season, head coach Jacques Martin was canned and replaced with interim...

Claude Giroux Says Ilya Bryzgalov Will Be The NHL's Best Goalie Next Year
Every morning, the fine folks at Sports Radio Interviews sift through the a.m. drive-time chatter to bring you the best interviews with coaches, players, and personalities across the sports landscape. Today: Giroux kind of has to say that....

A Masseuse Died In Chris Bosh's House Yesterday
The unnamed woman arrived at the Bosh home around 10:30 a.m. on Monday, "suddenly passed out" in the early afternoon, and died just shy of midnight....

Does Jim Gray Drive A Car With A Jim Gray License Plate? Jim Gray Won't Say.
The photo you see here was sent to us two weeks ago by a reader named Dan, who works in Manhattan Beach, Calif. This is the message Dan sent with it:...

How To Tell Your Family That Your Cousin Is A Porn Star
Before we get into the Funbag, a quick announcement: I'll be out in D.C. tomorrow night handling the introduction at Justin Halpern's book reading at the Sixth & I Synagogue (Gregg Easterbrook would not approve). I should tell you in advance that you have to pay to go to this thing, which is a pain ...

Jonathan Papelbon Found Not Guilty Of Thoughtcrime
Pap’s not mad at you, AAA-callup umpire D.J. Reyburn. He’s just disappointed. Disappointed that you’re so bad at your job. You “probably need to go back to triple A.”...

Early Results Are In: Gawker Media Census Proves You’re Probably Drunk Right Now
Last week we asked you to take the 2012 Gawker Media Census, and in return offered one lucky survey-taker the opportunity to win a new iPad. Well, early responses are in, and we learned some interesting info about you guys—like the fact that 77% of you are more likely to buy alcohol than any other p...

Rugby Celebration Results In Blood-Inducing Flying Head Butt
Scotland had lost seven games in a row and hadn't won in Australia since 1982. So when the Scots won last night's one-off over the Wallabies in Newcastle on Greig Laidlaw's penalty kick in time added, it was somewhat understandable that they nearly lost their heads....

Philadelphia Drops Its Third Straight, And The Fans Can't Bear To Watch
Jonathan Papelbon couldn't keep the Dodgers off the board in the ninth, allowing a leadoff Dee Gordon triple & subsequent single that gave the Phillies their third straight loss and dropped the squad back to .500. The sight was simply too much for some Philadelphians....

Deadspin Up All Night: Somebody Be A Witness Tonight
Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin. In case you missed it, Gawker flipped over to the new commenting regime today. It's coming our way soon. Yeah, I know. I have many of the same questions you do. We'll get through this....

How A Career Ends: I Was The No. 1 Pick In The MLB Amateur Draft, And Now I'm A Cautionary Tale
Tell Me When It's Over is an interview series in which we ask former athletes about the moment they knew their playing days were over. Today, with the MLB amateur draft beginning in a matter of hours: Pitcher David Clyde, the No. 1 pick in the 1973 draft and now an object lesson in how not to handle...

The Internet Has Uncovered The Single Saddest Former Pro Wrestler
Mike Jones spent most of his 25-year career wrestling around the world. His only brush with what could charitably be called "fame" was a four-year stint in the WWF as Virgil, the sadsack "bodyguard" of the Million Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase. He rarely wrestled, instead settling for escorting DiBiase to...

Better Know An Umpire: Adrian Johnson
Welcome to Better Know An Umpire, an effort to educate ourselves on the human elements who have ultimate decision-making power over some 2,500 Major League Baseball games a year. (All cumulative statistics are through the 2011 season, unless otherwise stated.)...

Watch Charlie Manuel Read Phillies Players' Tweets Out Loud
I went to the MLB Fan Cave about a year ago. The place bummed me out. Two aspiring actors—actors, in the sense that they'd be good fits to play Turtle in Entourage: the Musical—sat before a lot of TV screens and Pepsi Max ads. Now I think back on it, there was bottomless Pepsi Max. And Bud Light, in...