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Jeffrey Loria Had A Marlins Park Cake With Swarovski Crystals And A Working Retractable Roof
After trotting out Muhammad Ali like a show pony, the Marlins owner welcomed friends and colleagues to his luxury suite on opening night with this cake: a custom made replica of Marlins Park. That bigass logo? It's 3,600 crystals. Probably worth more than your life. I swear to god, this thing better...

Bobby Petrino Admits Having "Inappropriate Relationship," Placed On Paid Administrative Leave
University of Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino has been placed on paid administrative leave by the university, after he failed to disclose that 25-year-old Jessica Dorrell, a recent hire to the football staff, was his motorcycle companion during last Sunday's crash that put him in a neck brace....

Deadspin Up All Night: Safe At Home
Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. Who umpires the umpires? Erik, and he's on soon....

Bobby Petrino Had A 25-Year-Old Former Volleyball Player On His Motorcycle When He Crashed
The police report for Arkansas coach Bobby Petrino's motorcycle crash on Sunday shows he had a previously unmentioned passenger: Jessica Dorrell, recently named student-athlete development coordinator for football. ...

David Stern On The NBA: "Everything Is Absolutely And Unbelievably Good"
Every morning, the fine folks at Sports Radio Interviews sift through the a.m. drive-time chatter to bring you the best interviews with coaches, players, and personalities across the sports landscape. Today: Stern finds nothing to complain about....

From The Sports Guy Vault: Bill Simmons Says Tear Down Fenway Park
Let's return to the Bill Simmons Archive, a collection of Boston Sports Guy columns salvaged from the defunct AOL Digital Cities. In honor of Red Sox opening day, let's look at an old column calling for the demolition of Fenway Park—and the construction of something totally new and different in its ...

Stay Sober Around Gary Bettman
We missed this when it ran Tuesday, but we'd like to bring to your attention the memoirs of Richard Stursberg, former head of CBC. The excerpt that ran in Maclean's concerns his 2006 negotiations with Gary Bettman over the league's television contract. We pick things up at a chi-chi Italian restaura...

Will Kimbrough Welcomes You To Opening Day With A Special Version Of "Take Me Out To The Ballgame"
What's more American than beginning the Major League season spread over four days in two weeks on two continents? How about an American singing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" in Sweden? Here's the first in a series of exclusive renditions of our national pastime's theme song we'll be featuring on Dea...

It's Your Opening Day Open Thread
Here we go. At 1 p.m., It's fat guys versus beer and chicken, as the Detroit Tigers meet the Boston Red Sox. Discuss that and all the rest of today's baseball action in the comments....

"Kill The Fucking Head": Gregg Williams Told The Saints To Destroy The 49ers' Brains
What you're listening to is Gregg Williams hyping up the Saints before their playoff game with San Francisco. It becomes clear that New Orleans's bounty program was less about monetary reward and all about a mindset of agression, and punishment, and maliciously hitting the shit out of opposing pl...

Blake Griffin Put Pau Gasol In A Very Bad Place With This Vicious Dunk
Not many people had the chance to see this live, because the Lakers-Clippers game tipped off before the thrilling Thunder-Heat game in Miami had reached its conclusion. So here you are: devastation on a basketball floor as Blake Griffin puts back a miss over the head of Pau Gasol, which may or ma...

If You're In NYC Tomorrow Night, Come Hear Some Good Writers Read To Welcome Baseball Back
This month's edition of Gelf's terrific Varsity Letters reading series focuses on—what else?—baseball. Come hear the Times' Dan Barry, Baseball Prospectus's Jay Jaffe and Steven Goldman, and Glenn Stout, author of Fenway 1912. They're great and so is baseball. 7:30 p.m. Thursday at Le Poisson Rouge...

The Marlins Opened Their New Stadium In The Saddest, Most Awkward Way Possible
Marlins Park is the new jewel of Miami, and team owner Jeffrey Loria must've figured it wise to use a big-time celebrity with some Miami cred to deliver the ceremonial first pitch ball. (Also, it'd be a sly way of avoiding any boos on what was supposed to be a celebratory moment.) Loria's choice ...

Deadspin Up All Night: Standing O
Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. Erik and baseball....

Bernard Pollard Says The Saints' Bounty Punishment Is Just About The Dumbest Thing Ever
Every morning, the fine folks at Sports Radio Interviews sift through the a.m. drive-time chatter to bring you the best interviews with coaches, players, and personalities across the sports landscape. Today: Pollard has had it up to here with Roger Goodell....

Kaká's Long-Range Finesse Strike Was A Work Of Art
While APOEL's Cinderella run through the Champions League was mostly over before today's return match at Real Madrid even started, Kaká helped slam the door by increasing the aggregate lead to 5-0 when he landed a shot from a position and with a curve more reminiscent of his teammate Cristiano Ro...

Shitting While Skydiving: A Physics Experiment
I apologize for not posting yesterday's Funbag on time. Due to various circumstances, you only get a half Funbag today, and I may have to work a limited schedule this month. But fear not: Everything will be back to normal soon. If by normal, you mean talking about hypothetical superpowers and poopin...

Nice Of Marlins Park To Include A Bobblehead Hall Of Nightmares
Lost in all the other wonderful features, like the fish and the home run sculpture and the fact that Marlins Park is actually really nice is something called the Bobblehead Museum. No need to come to Little Havana to see it—it'll come to you in your nightmares....

Designated Shitters: Help Deadspin Plumb The Secrets Of MLB Restrooms
From Fenway to Camden Yards to Marlins Park, baseball is defined by the built environment. We've already surveyed the big picture. Now it's time to explore the depths. We're looking for photos and stories to build an online guide to the restrooms of Major League Baseball—the Yelp of plop, you might ...

Lebanese Basketball Player Has Career Night, Scores 106 Points Above His Season Average
Mohammad El Akkari is a guard for Moutahed, Tripoli, in Lebanon's Division A League Final 8. He scored 113 points in Tuesday's 173-141 victory against Bejjeh, Jbeil—a slight improvement over his season average of 7.6 points per game. Akkari was 40 of 69 from the field, including 32 of 59 from 3-poin...