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Montreal Offer-Sheeted Sebastian Aho, But Don Waddell Is Getting Off Those Jokes

An unexpected delight on the opening of NHL free agency: The Montreal Canadiens have signed Carolina Hurricanes restricted free agent forward Sebastian Aho to an offer sheet. It will be very interesting to see how this one goes down—while it feels unlikely that the Hurricanes won’t match, at the ver...

The Heat Are Scrambling To Actually Complete The Jimmy Butler Trade [Update]

For an organization whose supposed signifier around the league is “competently professional,” the Miami Heat sure seem to have botched their big trade for Jimmy Butler. After The Athletic’s Shams Charania reported that a sign-and-trade deal featuring Butler heading to the 305 and Josh Richardson goi...

Heat Acquire Jimmy Butler In Trade With Sixers, Who Acquired Al Horford In Free Agency

The writing was on the wall for the end of Jimmy Butler’s tenure with the Philadelphia 76ers when Tobias Harris agreed to a five-year, $180 million max contract with the team just one hour into the start of free agency. Now, that end is official with Philadelphia sending Butler to the Miami Heat, an...

British Broadcasters Are Getting The Hang Of Things

Barstool Sports Publishes Bizarre Blog On Missing Woman, Deletes It After Police Charge Suspect With Her Murder [Update]

Today, Barstool Sports published a blog about University of Utah student Mackenzie Lueck, who had been missing since June 17. The post, which was tonally confounding and appeared under the headline “College Student Mackenzie Lueck, Fan Of Call Her Daddy And Proud Sugar Baby, Still Missing; Sorority ...

Kansas City Radio Chud Kevin Kietzman Ousted Following Gross Andy Reid Comments

Sweaty Kansas City radio hot-taker Kevin Kietzman was pulled from his show this week, after clumsily referencing the drug abuse and 2012 death by overdose of Chiefs head coach Andy Reid’s oldest son in order to make a point about Reid’s performance as a football authority figure. Kietzman made the c...

Serial Sexual Harasser Amr Warda Allowed To Rejoin Egypt National Team

On Wednesday, it appeared that the Egypt national soccer team had taken a commendable stand against sexual harassment when it kicked Amr Warda off the team after stories of Warda being a pestering creeper to several women flooded social media. Today, the team clarified that it does not actually take...

Enrique Hernandez Gets Heckled, Smacks Home Run, Blows Kisses At Hecklers

The Rockies were already down one run late in Thursday’s game, and then some doofuses behind home plate had to go ahead and motivate Enrique Hernandez to put them in a deeper hole. Bad idea!...

Dead Letters: "Earth Isn’t A Rotating Sphere, Get Used To It"

Subject: NZ Womens Soccer...

The Lakers Are Really Going For it

The Lakers have cleared the decks. They’ve stripped away every player from the roster who they do not view as central to their next championship push. It turns out the list of remaining players is hilariously small and remarkably expensive, and before filling out the margins the Lakers very much ho...

The Mets Bullpen Completes A Remarkable Phillies Sweep Of The Mets

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: The New York Mets lost in deeply dispiriting fashion Thursday, to finish off a gruesome series and drop eight games below .500. Things are getting pretty grim over there....

An Interview With The Man Who Enraged A Minor League Baseball Team By Suggesting They Call Themselves The Humpback Chubs

Today, for reasons that were at first very hard to parse, the Grand Junction Rockies, a minor-league team affiliated with the Colorado Rockies, sent out the following aggressive, since-deleted tweets:...

Dominant Dodgers Reliever Russell Martin Threw His First Career Strikeout

Some MLB managers might believe that, when the team is down 8-2 and the bullpen is drained, it’s time to give up and send out a position player to pitch. Not Dave Roberts, though. When he and his Dodgers found themselves in that exact situation at the tail end of their series against the Diamondback...

The Madman Theory Of The Montreal/Tampa Bay Rays

Any self-respecting student of insane Machiavellian gambits should be familiar with the Madman Theory, Richard Nixon’s self-invented strategy for winning the war in Vietnam. The theory, as recounted by Nixon chief of staff H.R. Haldeman after he got out of jail for his role in Watergate, went like t...

Behold The Destructive Force Of An F5 Poop Tornado

Last Thursday, a “sewer blockage” in the town of Melrose, Massachusetts, had city workers scrambling to restore flow across the town’s entire system. The blockage was eventually cleared, but not before it created what one affected resident described as a “tornado of poop” in her bathroom, after raw ...

Moron President Gives Defense Department Four Months To Craft Service Academy Athletics Policy He Himself Axed

Having previously bragged about his intention to look into such a thing, our sleazy doofus of a president has taken the first formal step toward instituting a policy that would allow service academy athletes to defer their military service obligations in order to pursue careers in professional spor...

Barstool Sports' Dave Portnoy Actually Trembles While Being Asked About Harassing Women

Nothing was done to that GIF above. Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel, the HBO show covering all things sports and/or Bryant Gumbel, had a segment on Barstool Sports in last night’s episode, and there’s site founder Dave Portnoy quivering as he’s interviewed by Soledad O’Brien. He’s one followup questi...

Egyptian Soccer Player Kicked Off National Team After Getting Exposed As A Sex Pest On Social Media

The Egyptian national soccer team, currently competing in the African Cup of Nations, announced today that they have booted midfielder Amr Warda out of their AFCON squad after several women revealed evidence of Warda being a DM-sliding, unsolicited dick pic-sending creep....

Argentine Soccer Team Orchestrates On-Field Sit-In To Protest Red Cards

In the second leg of their promotion playoff final against Alvarado, players from third-tier Argentine soccer club San Jorge de Tucumán decided to protest what they considered two unfair first-half red cards by sitting down in the middle of the field and refusing to move or play. This lasted about t...

Commissioner For A Day: Let's Institute Geographic Relegation

This is a scintillating idea that I have previously put forward, with much more clarity and much less stammering, in blog form. ...