as Page 1304 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights

Joel Embiid Meets His Match: A Water Bottle

Joel Embiid finally got onto an NBA basketball court the other day, and we’re all excited to see what he can do. But they have a preseason for a reason, and for Embiid the exhibition games are necessary to learn how to drink water properly: ...

Indians Slap Three Dongs In Nine Pitches

The Cleveland Indians were down a run to the Boston Red Sox in the third inning of this evening’s game. Within a nine-pitch span, they went from trailing 2-1 to leading 4-2 after Roberto Pérez, Jason Kipnis, and Francisco Lindor all slapped solo dongs to right field....

Larry The Cable Guy Snapped A Dude's Arm While Arm Wrestling [Graphic]

Larry The Cable Guy, a comedian who’s made $50 million telling redneck jokes, is a huge Nebraska football fan. At the Huskers’ game against Illinois last weekend, this dude challenged him to an arm wrestling contest. He broke his arm like a Thanksgiving wishbone....

French Announcer Absolutely Loses His Shit Calling Melvin Upton Jr.'s Big Dinger [Update]

Zut alors! Le dinger!!!...

Jane Doe Testifies About The Night She Says Derrick Rose Raped Her [Updated]

Jane Doe, the woman who alleges that New York Knicks guard Derrick Rose and two friends raped her in 2013 and is suing them in civil court in Los Angeles, testified today that she doesn’t remember much about that night. She does remember having a lot to drink during the night, several shots of vodka...

Angels Pitcher Matt Shoemaker To Consider Wearing Protective Headgear

Angels starter Matt Shoemaker missed the final month of the season after being struck in the head by a 105-mph line drive. He underwent surgery to stop the bleeding in his skull, and is now healthy enough to pitch again. In an interview with Good Morning America, Shoemaker expressed a willingness to...

Root For The Indians In The Playoffs<em></em>

Welcome to the American League Central Division, home of the Cleveland Indians. Each year, one team from this division is selected completely at random to compete in the playoffs. If you are a fan of a team in the AL Central, where chaos rules, nothing surprises you. You would not be surprised, for ...

Root For The Rangers In The Playoffs

The Texas Rangers finished with a 95-67 record, winning the AL West while nine games clear of the second-place Seattle Mariners. The lack of competition within the division, and thus the lack of a late-season race for the playoffs, may have kept the Rangers mostly off your radar this season. Now’s ...

Astros Apologize For Minor Leaguer's Shitheaded Tweet

Brooks Marlow is a baseball player in the Astros minor league system. He would kindly like these lady broadcasters out of his face. Get off ESPN, lady broadcaster, game’s on! ...

Madison Bumgarner Remains A Postseason Demigod

The San Francisco Giants are headed to the NLDS once again, after Madison Bumgarner shut down the Mets and the offense managed a lone moment of competence tonight to get the team a 3-0 win. The Even Year Gods have smiled down on the Giants once again, and they’re headed to Chicago just a few short w...

The Derrick Rose Trial Is Already Getting Intense

After a day and a half of jury selection, the Derrick Rose civil trial finally made its way today to opening statements. According to reports from the courthouse, things got intense almost immediately. Jane Doe’s lawyer Waukeen McCoy gave a very graphic description of the alleged gang rape, the New ...

Former Florida QB Chris Leak Under Investigation For Sexually Assaulting A Teenager [Update]

According to a report from the Orlando Sentinel, former Florida quarterback Chris Leak is being investigated by the Orlando Police Department for sexually assaulting a 16-year-old girl in early September. Leak was in the midst of his first season coaching Edgewater High School when he resigned on Mo...

Letters From Death Row: James Broadnax, Texas Inmate 999549

We occasionally publish letters from death row inmates. Today we hear from James Broadnax, who was sentenced to death after being convicted for a 2008 robbery and murder in Texas....

This Is The Closest We've Gotten To Finding The Beer-Throwing Blue Jays Fan

The police have not yet identified the shithead Blue Jays fan that tossed a beer at Hyun Soo Kim last night, who the team said was able to slink off into the night before security could apprehend them. This, despite the rigorous work done by certified expert internet investigators such as myself. Wh...

Rob Manfred On Not Paying Minor Leaguers A Living Wage: "It's Not Really About The Money"

The bipartisan “Save America’s Pastime Act,” introduced over the summer, is some simmering, unconscionable bullshit that doesn’t even try all that hard to hide its Disney villain-esque desire to portray the fate of Baseball At Large as antithetical to paying its employees a living wage. What it actu...

We’re simulating tonight’s National League wild card game between the Giants and the Mets in Baseball Stars for NES, and it’s LIVE:...

The Warriors Will Be Fun And Deadly And None Of It Matters Until May

The Golden State Warriors beat the Los Angeles Clippers 120-75 last night. Most of that lead was built in the first half, when both teams were still playing starters. You were probably watching the vice-presidential debate or the AL Wild Card game instead, because you rightfully don’t give a single ...

Root For The Mets In The Playoffs

The 2015 National League champions coasted on a sea of subpar second-place teams to home field advantage in the bullshit crapshoot that is the one-game wild card playoff (can’t wait!). More than half of their Opening Day bevy of shampoo-commercial starters have been sidelined with injury but between...

Joel Embiid Finally Made It Onto An NBA Court

831 days after being becoming the No. 3 overall pick in the 2014 NBA draft, Sixers center Joel Embiid played in his first real(ish) NBA game against real NBA players....

Former Baylor Title IX Coordinator: "Baylor Set Me Up To Fail From The Beginning"

Patty Crawford, Baylor’s former Title IX coordinator, and her attorney, Rogge Dunn, sat down with CBS This Morning Wednesday to discuss her two-year stint at Baylor and the reason for her recent resignation....