cc Page 220 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
If Mesut Özil Keeps Scoring Like This, The World Better Watch Out
In Arsenal’s blowout win against Ludogorets yesterday, Mesut Özil scored three goals in the second half. I repeat: Mesut “I Live To Pass And I Never, Ever Shoot So Don’t Ask Me To” Özil scored a hat trick yesterday in the Champions League, increasing his season tally to six goals in 10 games. This i...
5-Year-Old Diehard Celtic Fan Calls Up Club To Apologize For Missing Game
Kids these days. They whine and whine about how much they want—no, need—that drum set they’re always going on about, then you get one for them and after two months it sits quietly in the basement, unused and collecting dust. “But daaaaad, all my friends have motorized scooters,” that ungrateful brat...
Lionel Messi Must Really Hate Pep Guardiola And England
If there have been two criticisms that have followed Lionel Messi around though his career like yappy little dogs nipping at his ankles—too insignificant to be an actual threat, and just persistent enough to register as a minor annoyance—they have been these: First, he had the good fortune of playin...
Arsenal Are Out Here Just Embarrassing These Jamokes
This is the happy time in every Arsenal season. Everyone is healthy, their world-class players are playing up to their reputations, their really good players are playing out of their minds, and their title dreams still seem eminently, thrillingly tangible. In today’s Champions League match against L...
I Can't Stop Watching These Two Soccer Dummies Flop At The Same Time
Never has an eskimo kiss caused so much imaginary pain....
John McCain Promises To Defy The Election Results
While Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump is going off on paranoid rants about how the media and inner-city voters are trying to steal the election from him, his on-and-off supporter Senator John McCain has already moved on to the larger picture. Today, he pledged to ignore the result of th...
Swansea Lose 3-2 To Arsenal In Bob Bradley's First Game In Charge
Swansea lost 3-2 to Arsenal this morning in Bob Bradley’s first game in charge, twice coming back from a two-goal deficit but ultimately failing to win any points. In that respect, it was a quite similar to Franceso Guidolin’s final two games in charge of the Swans, when he presided over a 3-1 defea...
All The Best Garbage From WikiLeaks's Online Store
According to Democrats, WikiLeaks is little more than a Kremlin intelligence lackey. According to Republicans, it’s a vehicle for truth in a rigged world. What neither side seems aware of, however, is the real secret Julian Assange has been harboring: some of the worst branded apparel you have ever ...
Brent And Miko Grimes Owe The Feds Almost $200,000
Vulgar Florida football power couple Brent and Miko Grimes owe $191,471.70 to the IRS. A lien was filed today on a house the couple own in Miami, and the Miami Herald first reported on the Grimeses’ tax issues. As you can probably guess, Miko is not happy with them....
Norwegian Soccer Commentators Shocked And Horrified By San Marino Equalizer
The unabashed homers on Norwegian TV reasonably expected a comfortable win against little ol’ San Marino in Norway’s World Cup qualifier on Tuesday. Instead of getting to channel their inner Elated Tiziano Crudeli, they were forced into Distraught Tiziano Crudeli mode when San Marino tied the game a...
Two Soccer Guys Take Showboating To Whole New Level By Dabbing In Middle Of Game
The post-goal dab celebration is nearly ubiquitous on soccer pitches the world over. Langelihle Ndlovu and Pule Mmodi, members of the Free State Stars’ reserve team in South Africa, took it up a notch by each deciding to hit the dab during open play, an in-your-face effrontery that even Neymar would...
DeMarcus Cousins Knows His Music History
DeMarcus Cousins recently joked that he doesn’t know who Paul McCartney (the guy who did a song with Kanye West a few years ago) is. Undoubtedly, this comment caused a few pearls to be clutched and few fainting chairs to be fainted into....
Amateur Soccer Man Secures His Spot In Heaven With This Majestic Goal
“It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle,” Jesus Christ once remarked, “than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” He continued, “But if a soccer man doth line up and crack a sweet shot on goal, and find himself denied by the crossbar, yet resist the weapons of Lucifer as d...
Everton's Oumar Niasse Is The Saddest Man In The Premier League
Oumar Niasse thought all his dreams had come true. After spending the first half of the 2015-16 season crushing it in Russia (12 goals and eight assists in 21 domestic league and European games), the Senegalese striker earned a lucrative move to the land of the TV money and the home of the enormous ...
The Panthers Are In Real Trouble
The defending NFC champs are seeing their season slip away faster than anyone could have predicted. After last night’s 17-14 loss to the Buccaneers, Carolina is now just the fifth team (of 100) to make a Super Bowl appearance and start the next season 1-4 or worse—the first since the 2004 Panthers....
Roberto Aguayo Goes From Goat To Hero By Finally Making A Field Goal<em></em>
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are a mediocre, waterlogged 2-3 team and the biggest story of their season is the fragile psyche of their kicker, who they traded up to draft in the second round. Roberto Aguayo was the most accurate kicker in college football history, but he struggled throughout the preseas...
Athletes To Trump: What Kind Of Locker Room Are You Spending Time In?
It doesn’t take a locker room to make shitty men talk like shitty men amongst themselves, but at last night’s debate, Donald Trump doubled down on his claim that his 2005 comments that he used his wealthy status to sexually assault women by grabbing them by the pussy were “just locker room talk.” He...
Mike McCoy Is Running Out Of Ways To Lose
Let it never be said that the Chargers lose boring. Dating back to the start of last season, 13 of San Diego’s 16 losses have come by a single score. They’re 1-4 this year, all four losses coming after blowing second half leads. This is not a team that loses so totally their fans are free to turn of...
Western New York Win NWSL Championship In A Shootout After Stoppage Time Equalizer
The Western New York Flash defeated the Washington Spirit in a shootout to win the NWSL title. The Spirit took the lead early into extra time, with Crystal Dunn scoring in the 92nd minute, her second of the night. But Western New York’s Lynn Williams headed in a Jessica McDonald cross four minutes i...