eli Page 103 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
A Wonderteen Is Tearing Up The KHL Playoffs, And He's Headed For Nashville Soon
Helsinki-based KHL team Jokerit wrapped up a fairly easy first-round series victory over HC Sochi tonight. They won in five games on the back of teen phenom Eeli Tolvanen, who scored five goals to add to his 19 that he got in 49 regular season games (not to mention his three in the Olympics). ...
Anthony Davis Just Might Go Get The MVP
The AD and Boogie show was one of the best things going in the NBA, which made Boogie snapping his achilles tendon just before the All-Star break a downright depressing development. What’s definitely not depressing are the things Anthony Davis has been doing to the chumps who have had the misfortune...
Report: Vile Pharma Dipshit Martin Shkreli Now Has Prison Muscles
When he was just a pasty nerd, out here defrauding investors and exponentially increasing the price of important drugs, I feel very certain that I could’ve taken Martin Shkreli. Now I am less sure, and let me tell you, it’s a sickening feeling:...
Surfing's Most Iconic Event Is In Jeopardy Thanks To A Very Dumb Dispute
Oahu’s Pipeline is one of the most famous surf spots in the world, and the North Shore beach’s notoriously big and dangerous waves play host to the World Surf League’s biggest event of the year. Pipeline Masters, or Pipe Masters, has taken place at Pipeline since 1971, and it’s traditionally served ...
Elizabeth Swaney's Dad Is Proud Of Her
Through hard work and a series of gaping loopholes, Elizabeth Swaney managed to qualify for the Hungarian Olympic ski team despite having little skiing ability. When she coasted down the half pipe earlier this week and did no tricks, confused people everywhere hailed her as either the grifter of all...
Elizabeth Swaney's Multi-Sport Journey To Pyeongchang
Hungarian (sort-of) skier Elizabeth Swaney is now infamous around the world, after her big turn at the Olympics involved her just sort of sliding down the ski halfpipe and getting a cumulative three feet or so of air. She finished dead last of the 24 competitors by a comfortable margin, but that doe...
Elise Christie's Olympics Were Another Nightmare<em></em>
Last week, British short track speed skater Elise Christie crashed out of the 500m race and finished fourth in an event she holds the world record, adding another disappointing finish to an Olympic career that’s been waylaid by an avalanche of bad luck. Christie was distraught after her fourth strai...
The Winter Olympics Feature 2,951 Of The World’s Greatest Athletes, And Also This Woman<em></em><em></em>
There’s a premise built into the structure of the Olympics that pretty much every single Olympian, even those far down the standings, are elite athletes at the top of their game performing at a level most fans could only dream of. Freestyle skier Elizabeth Swaney is an affront to this notion, and he...
West Brom Players Apologize For Hijacking Taxi For A Munchie Run To McDonald's
West Brom players Gareth Barry, Jonny Evans, Jake Livermore, and Boaz Myhill were detained by local police in Barcelona yesterday after allegedly commandeering a taxi that had taken them from their hotel to a nearby McDonald’s drive-thru, driving the cab back to their hotel, and ditching the vehicle...
Isaiah Thomas And Rajon Rondo Ejected After Feisty Dance Routine
This is far from one of the most interesting beefs of the NBA season, but you might remember that last month, former Celtics champion Rajon Rondo had a pretty sick burn on former Celtics non-champion Isaiah Thomas....
WWE's Talent Development System Has A Serious Identity Crisis
In a promotion not known for underselling, few WWE projects have been more relentlessly touted than the reimagining of the company’s talent development program in 2013. Before that reinvention, the process usually worked like this: a local promotion and its wrestling school would be contracted to he...
Vacation Bill Belichick Is Fully Operational
After a Super Bowl loss to Nick Foles, Patriots head coach and History Channel buff Bill Belichick has escaped to an island to unwind with his girlfriend Linda Holliday. That vacay outfit has everything: an “Adapt or Die” shirt with the Gadsden snake, a “VII Rings” visor, and chill beach trunks. Yea...
If Fé<em></em>lix Auger-Aliassime Is The Future Then The Future Will Be Fun
Before anything else, just watch someone ball out for a bit:...
Carl Hagelin Mindfucked A Goalie For An Easy Evgeni Malkin Score<em></em>
The Penguins are lighting the lamp on the Senators tonight, and Ottawa back-up goalie Mike Condon can barely figure out what’s going on. For Pittsburgh’s third goal of the game, Carl Hagelin took the puck behind the net and seemed like he was going to take it in the far corner on Condon’s left. Inst...
Elise Christie's Suspicious Short Track Crash Is As Frustrating As It Gets
British speed skater Elise Christie is one of the fastest women in the world on the short track, and she’s probably the most likely athlete to win a gold medal for Team GB in Pyeongchang. She owns the world record in the 500-meter, has a pair of World Championship gold medals, and has won several Eu...
Report: Pirates Catcher Elias Diaz's Mother Kidnapped In Venezuela
The Pirates have released a statement in response to reports that catcher Elias Diaz’s mother has been kidnapped in Venezuela:...
Josh McDaniels's Agent Drops Him After Colts Fiasco
Agent Bob LaMonte has withdrawn from representing Josh McDaniels in the wake of McDaniels’s 11th-hour decision to stay with the Patriots. According to ESPN’s Dan Graziano, LaMonte was “stunned” and “blindsided” by the move, and he apparently told McDaniels that he was “committing professional suicid...
HEY, PATRIOTS! FUCK YOU IN THE FACE!<em></em>
There is never a guarantee you’ll get a Patriots Schadenfreude Day. There are years when they win a Super Bowl and you just gotta sit there with gritted teeth while Brian O’Brian from Dickchester hoots and hollers and flashes imaginary rings and celebrates yet another Pats Super Bowl win by blinding...
Where The Hell Was Malcolm Butler?
Malcolm Butler, the hero of Super Bowl 49 and starting cornerback for the Patriots all season, wasn’t on the field for any defensive snaps as New England lost 41-33 to the Eagles in Super Bowl 52. If you have an answer for why: Please get in touch, Bill Belichick....
DeMarcus Cousins's Injury Fucking Blows
Last season, the trade of DeMarcus Cousins from Sacramento to New Orleans realigned the league just in time to lend some shape to the NBA’s annual trade deadline; the feelings of Sacramento Kings fans notwithstanding, that was a vastly happier way for Cousins to find himself functioning as the start...