eli Page 117 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
How To Order Delivery Without Feeling Like Shit, You Lazy Bum
Sometimes, after a long, soul-crushing day at work (or when you’re staring down an impossible hangover), the last thing you want to do is cook. You’d much rather fire up Seamless and order from your favorite local restaurant, where someone else will prepare the greasy food you think will make you fe...
Batshit Crazy—But Totally Believable—Conspiracy Theory Points To Cavaliers Championship
Everybody knows that the NBA is rigged. From the frozen envelope that gave Patrick Ewing to the Knicks to Tim Donaghy rigging games, outcomes in the NBA are obviously pre-ordained by a shady cabal of influencers. And the next thing to be fixed, of course, is the NBA Finals. But this time, thanks to ...
The Pelicans' Bryce Dejean-Jones Has Been Shot To Death In Texas (UPDATE)
Bryce Dejean-Jones, a 23-year-old shooting guard for the New Orleans Pelicans, is dead in Dallas County, Texas, according to a report in the Ames Tribune. The cause is being reported as a gunshot to the abdomen....
That's Some Bat Flip
Miami beat North Carolina State tonight in ACC Tournament action, thanks to Edgar Michelangeli’s late homer. He really savored it, too—and caused a bit of a stir....
Staycation Out Of Bed
A long weekend approaches. Let’s say that you have not been blessed with the kind of friends or family who plan nice things for your lazy self to do (while smoothly handling all the tedious logistics), or that you have purposefully blocked this space of time out to do nothing and be with no one. Slo...
Pittsburgh's HBK Line Is The NHL's Hottest
The verb that came to mind watching last night’s 4-2 Pittsburgh win was “overwhelms.” You can hold off the Penguins for a while, you can even shut down a scorer or an entire line for games at a time, but they’ve got so much talent, they’re so deep with scorers up and down their bench and offer barel...
Who Sends Dick Pics? (Lunatics, Apparently)
As an Old Person (and possibly a prude, although I hope not), I’m baffled by the dick pic. As a behavior, first of all—What is it intended to accomplish? Is it meant as an act of sexual hostility? A sincere come-on? Do straight men genuinely believe women are turned on by crappy smartphone snapshots...
The Lord Rejects That Weak Shit In Mysterious Ways
What we have here is a young teen (presumably) trying to dunk on a man of the cloth (presumably). He got smote....
Why Didn't Eli Gold Host His Radio Show This Week?
Eli Gold, the legendary stock car racing announcer and Alabama football play-by-play guy, didn’t show up for Tuesday night’s broadcast of NASCAR Live, his weekly syndicated radio show....
Here's Some Baseball Knowledge To Get You Thinking About The Relentless Approach Of Death
Hello, fellow millennial baseball fans, I have come to make you sad....
How To Kick Ass During Your Jesus Year
Certain ages have established talking points. At 25, there’s the quarter-life crisis, which is false, but gets you thinking about the banal inexorability of aging. At 27, you talk about rock stars who died before they could get old and embarrassing, because you desperately don’t want to, either. (“G...
What A Silent Retreat Is Like For Someone Who Can't Shut Up
Seriously, I can’t shut up. “Loquacious” would be putting it nicely. “Needy, overwhelming persistence” would probably be more accurate. Hell, it’s why I’m a journalist: because I can’t keep myself from expressing every single utterly useless thought that slips into my head. Although I can fend off t...
How To Fly With Young Children
It is a known fact that flight attendants are among the perkiest, cheeriest, bubbliest human beings on the planet. But have you ever wondered why?...
Eli Apple's Mom Might Be The Best Sports Mom In The Game
Ohio State’s Eli Apple is one of the top cornerbacks available in this week’s NFL draft. But he’s not, in fact, the most impressive talent to emerge from his own family. That honor is reserved for his mom, Annie Apple, who is a LeBron James-, Andrew Luck-type superstar-in-the-making at the all-impor...
Why Eliud Kipchoge Is The World's Best Distance Runner
Sometimes I like technology, in this case because YouTube is going to be invaluable in explaining how Kenya’s Eliud Kipchoge calmly sliced through Sunday’s London Marathon, covering Her Majesty’s 26.2 miles in 2:03:05, the second fastest (by eight tiny seconds) marathon ever run on a record-eligible...
Pizza Box Is Neither Pizza Nor Box
Almost every day, we see people peddling novelty foodstuffs with dreams of virality. To offer some pushback against this desperate search for e-relevance, we often need to ask some hard questions. Today’s culprit is the Pizza Box—a box for pizza that is, itself, a pizza....
Put Steam In Your Nose
With pollen counts spiking, you may have found your nasal passages cemented shut this weekend. The finest way to spend a day in the park is with your head all heavy with snot and your mouth dry from all the (literal) mouth-breathing. A Kleenex is meaningless at that point—no amount of nose-blowing, ...
Today, Media Members Decided Whether The Pelicans Will Pay Anthony Davis $24 Million
Today is the deadline for the couple hundred NBA reporters and broadcasters to submit their awards ballots. Some of their decisions—Steph Curry for MVP, Karl-Anthony Towns for Rookie of the Year—are quite easy, and others—Coach of the Year, All-Defensive Team—are not. But none is more interesting th...
Sixers Win Game, Make History
The Philadelphia 76ers—a misshapen experiment in gaming the NBA Draft lottery, who, weirdly enough, play actual basketball games—won their tenth game of the season tonight. Pity the poor Pelicans, who came into the year as a sexy pick to win 50 games, but had to stand by as Carl Landry (who had 22 p...