eve Page 195 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Should Intent Matter When A Lousy Player Whacks A Guy In The Dick And Balls?
For my money, the strangest moment of last night’s lopsided NBA Finals Game 1 came just after Cavaliers guard Matthew Dellavedova whacked Warriors forward Andre Iguodala in the dick and balls....
The Cavs Should Replace Matthew Dellavedova With This Dog
I would be willing to bet a sizable amount of money that at some point during these NBA Finals, bad basketball player Matthew Dellavedova will throw a wildly inaccurate and embarrassing lob pass. It’s his signature move, after all....
Shaun Livingston's Jumper Is The Poison On The Warriors' Blade
Imagine playing for the Cavaliers, and spending the better part of the last two nights stress-dreaming about how you will possibly be able to survive Steph Curry and Klay Thompson. Then imagine playing in Game 1 of the NBA Finals and escaping their wrath with nothing more than a 20-point flesh wound...
The Warriors Didn't Even Need Their Stars To Wallop The Cavs
Here’s how thorough the whooping the Warriors bench put on the Cavaliers in tonight’s 104-89 beatdown was: Shaun Livingston got a curtain call; the Cavs’ best highlight was a nutshot; Brandon Rush and Timofey Mozgov played; Golden State’s bench outscored Cleveland’s 45-5 before a brief garbage time ...
Matthew Dellavedova Thumps Andre Iguodala In The Dick And Balls
Earlier today, we had Matthew Dellavedova atop our rankings of the most hateable players in the NBA Finals, and he lived up to his billing in short order, striking the first blow against an opponent’s dick and balls. The victim? Andre Iguodala....
Whatever Happens, Anderson Varejão Is Going To Be A Dude With A Championship Ring
The Warriors are a ruthlessly efficient team run by a fiery, undersized center who will take out his anger on your dick and balls and a teeny-tiny point guard who carries himself with a non-insistent swagger, and they’re owned by a techno-libertarian pug who named his dogs after Ayn Rand characters....
Dan Gilbert Is A Child
So you’re still having trouble deciding which NBA Finals team to root against. It’s tough! So many hateable players on both sides. Perhaps the tiebreaker can be found in the owner’s suite....
LeBron James Returned To Cleveland With A Strict, Uncompromising Mentality
During his first go-round in Cleveland, LeBron James was pilloried for all manner of sins—real or perceived—most stemming from the belief that he acted like a tyrant and ran roughshod over the Cavaliers organization. For instance, here is Brian Windhorst the day after The Decision:...
An Extremely Helpful NBA Finals Preview For Basketball Morons
Hello, casual basketball viewer! The NBA Finals begin tonight, pitting LeBron James’s Cleveland Cavaliers against Ayn Rand’s Golden State Warriors in a rematch of last season’s Finals, which the Warriors won in six games. Here’s what to expect, what to look for, and what to pretend to know about eac...
The Hater’s Guide To The 2016 NBA Finals
A few years ago, when my children were very small, I lamented the fact that I had to cut a great deal of sports out of my life. This happens when you have a baby. There’s no time to watch a tetrafinal playoff game because the kid needs to be fed or taken for a stroll or put to bed or have its butt w...
Glory Boy Hot Dog Celebrates Too Early, Gets Bodied By Jason Kipnis
If you’re in a hot dog race, there are no rules. You have to look out for your safety at all times, and not, say, turn around to celebrate only for a passing ballplayer to own you with a vicious shoulder check....
Marlon Byrd Suspended 162 Games
I really don’t want to bury the lede here: Marlon Byrd was still playing baseball, for the Indians, and was having a pretty productive season! But that’s over. The veteran outfielder has accepted a 162-game suspension after a positive PED test....
Consider Using A Bidet
Toilet paper—as a relatively modern American institution, and as a personal means of tidying up in the bathroom—does not hold up under scrutiny....
Francisco Lindor Defeated By Mighty Baseball Bat
The Indians lost to the Rangers, 7-3, tonight and Francisco Lindor lost to his baseball bat, 1-0....
That's A Spicy Meatball
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MLB On Colossal Beer Pyramid: "Wow"
What separates man from beast? Humans are weak-skinned bipeds, but our great advantage in this life is our bigass brains. We build. To engineer is human. That’s how we survived in the jungles and took over this planet. Read one way, the story of human history is a long, inexorable march towards the ...
The Cavaliers Are Back In The Finals
Cleveland beat Toronto 113-87 tonight. James Jones will make his sixth straight Finals, a momentous achievement. Good for him. ...
Pro Cyclist Crashes Spectacularly Into Snowbank, Costs Himself Biggest Race Of His Life
Steven Kruijswijk took a three minute lead into the the final weekend of the Giro d’Italia—the second-biggest stage race in the world after the Tour de France—which looked like a fairly safe lead over Colombian sparkplug Esteban Chaves and mopey Sicilian Vincenzo Nibali (another minute and a half be...
Jose Bautista Murders Beverage
The Blue Jays beat the Yankees tonight and the Blue Jays’ best slugger even had the nerve to take it out on Yankees fans, smashing a beverage (presumably beer?) showering the upper chunk of a section in suds (or maybe soda! who knows!). ...