ew Page 2135 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Someone Explain To Me The Alien Alloys Before I Fucking Explode
Hello, hi, yes, hello. We’ve all seen this, right? This story in the New York Fucking Times about the Pentagon’s $22 million Oh Shit There Might Be Aliens program? We’ve all read it? We’ve all engaged with the evidence within the story, written in part by two journalists who have won Pulitzer Prizes...
The Steelers' Final Play Was A Real Mess
The Steelers’ final offensive play in their 27-24 loss to New England was exactly as chaotic as it looked. Normally, that’d be a good thing on a fake spike—you want to confuse the defense. But it would’ve been better for Pittsburgh if more than two Steelers knew what was going on. That’s right: The ...
NFL's Worst Rule Robs Steelers Of A Win Over Patriots
The NFL was exciting and likable for about two minutes in Pittsburgh this evening, so naturally, someone had to ruin the fun. Getting the ball down five with just over two minutes to play, Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski combined for a vintage comeback drive that gave the Pats a 27-24 lead. However, a ...
Teddy Bridgewater Throws His First Interception Since The 2015 Season<em></em>
Vikings quarterback Teddy Bridgewater, whose gruesome knee injury last year seemed like it could’ve been career-ending, returned to the field for the first time since the end of the 2015 season. He received a heartwarming reception in Minnesota....
The Packers Racewalked After Scoring A Touchdown
Aaron Rodgers returned to action today against the Panthers, and ended the first quarter by throwing a touchdown pass to Davante Adams. But let’s talk about what’s really important: the touchdown celebration Packers receivers pulled off afterward....
Michael Beasley Is Just Cruel
The Oklahoma City Thunder narrowly topped the Philadelphia 76ers in an insane triple-overtime slugfest Friday night. You can imagine, they were therefore not at their most energetic Saturday night, playing the second leg of a back-to-back, in New York. Still, the Knicks, without Kristaps Porzingis, ...
Report: Marvin Lewis Is Leaving The Bengals After This Season
Cincinnati Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis, the second-longest tenured head coach in the NFL, is stepping down after this season to “pursue other opportunities,” according to Adam Schefter. Lewis is currently in the final year of his Bengals contract and reportedly has no desire to sign a new one. F...
CC Sabathia Returning To Yankees To Complete "Unfinished Business"
C.C. Sabathia’s free agency presumably got a lot simpler after the Yankees, who came achingly close to advancing to the World Series back in October, went out and snagged the reigning National League MVP. To absolutely no one’s great surprise, Sabathia would prefer to spend his age-38 season getting...
Former Yankees Prospect Dustin Fowler Suing White Sox Over Injured Knee
Dustin Fowler made his MLB debut for the Yankees on June 29 of this year, at the Chicago White Sox. In the bottom of the first inning, Fowler tracked a fly ball into foul territory in shallow right field and crashed hard into the wall, injuring his right knee in the process and ending his season....
Here Is A Short Review Of <i>The Last Jedi</i><em></em>
The Force Awakens was fun on its own merits, and thrilling in a nostalgic sort of way, and the fresh Star Wars youths were charming and compelling where they were supposed to be (Rey and Finn), and darkly charismatic where they were supposed to be (Kylo Ren), and absurdly good-looking and sexy where...
Jets Offensive Coordinator Admits He Gave Up Against Broncos
Okay, so the Jets’ offense didn’t turn out to be historically awful this season, as I said it had a chance to be. Shoot me. Hell, the Jets even have five wins, which is ... something, I guess. But it still took a grand total of 13 games for their offensive coordinator to cop to saying, Fuck it, let’...
Today In Fake Sports News: Jacksonville Jaguars Declare Bankruptcy, Because Of Thugs
If you are like most NFL fans, you were surprised to learn on Facebook yesterday—or the day before that, or last week—that a NFL team was preparing to declare bankruptcy due to, uh, the entitled and ungrateful thugs and the kneeling during the national anthem and the veterans there’s so many and you...
Georgetown Basketball's Schedule Is Very Bad
Tomorrow, the undefeated Georgetown Hoyas will play their one-time conference rival Syracuse (8-1) in Washington, D.C. It will be the first real test they’ve faced all season, considering their opponents so far have been Jacksonville (4-7), Mount St. Mary’s (3-7), Maryland Eastern Shore (3-8), Richm...
Kristaps Porzingis Is Hurt, But He's Smart
Kristaps Porzingis removed himself from last night’s 111-104 win over the Nets after a non-contact injury to his left knee. He tweaked it once in the first half and then left the game in the third quarter after re-aggravating it on this play. ...
Ghost Of Lleyton Hewitt Will Play Australian Open
Lleyton Hewitt, two-time Grand Slam singles winner and former No. 1, “retired” from tennis after playing his 20th Australian Open back in 2016. He entered Wimbledon doubles as a wild card later that year, but since then his public appearances on a tennis court have largely been limited to captainin...
A Bonus Hater’s Guide To The Williams-Sonoma Catalog
Hello again. Earlier this week we all gathered round the wassail to roast the goofiest items in this year’s Williams-Sonoma catalog. HOWEVER, it was a really thick catalog this year, and there simply wasn’t enough room in print for EVERY ridiculous item featured. Especially the champagne saber. So, ...
Jeremy Kerley Says A Ghost May Have Tainted His Pee
Jets receiver Jeremy Kerley is back at practice after serving a four-game suspension for a positive PED test. At the time of his ban, Kerley said he was “shocked,” as he had never knowingly taken steroids....
Michael Beasley Was The Space Oddity The Knicks Needed
Tuesday’s game between the Knicks and Lakers was pretty fun to watch, but it was also a reminder that New York is gradually staggering out of the Basketball Dark Ages, its path forward lit by the bright French teen Frank Ntilikina and the divine rays emanating from The Long Son of God....
<i>The Black Stallion </i>Takes Film Back To Its Elemental Beginnings
Originally published in the April, 1980 issue of Chicago Magazine, featured in the new anthology, Movies That Mattered, it appears here with permission....
Amazing Online Hoax <em></em>Welcomes "Washington RedHawks" To The NFL
As a general rule, when the internet’s baking outer shitlands send aspiring creators of fake news, it isn’t sending us its best. It’s sending Destroy Belly Fat With One Weird Click fraudwads, it’s sending Macedonian click-hustlers and pinwheel-eyed domestic weirdos whose minds have been corroded by...