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Football Writers Dust Off Their Old Dumb Takes About Domestic Violence, Somehow Make Them Dumber
Since the Kansas City Chiefs indefinitely suspended Tyreek Hill last week for his alleged role in breaking his 3-year-old son’s arm and for threatening his fiancée in a leaked audio recording, the NFL Knowers have dutifully donned their thinking caps and pondered solutions. What the actual problem b...

Bolton Wanderers' Ownership Disaster Is Now Affecting Actual Games
When last we checked in on Bolton Wanderers, the storied English soccer club was on the verge of ruin after years of mismanagement and ownership incompetence. Not much has changed since: while the nearly bankrupt club has found a potential new owner willing to buy the team, the deal still has yet to...

Three Mushers, One Impenetrable Blizzard, And The World's Hardest Dog Sled Race
Everything was going to be decided within the next five minutes. Three mushers and their dog teams were on top of Eagle Summit, a 3,685-foot tall gap that runs through the White Mountains in central Alaska. They were stuck in a blizzard, huddled together with their dogs as winds up to 40 miles an ho...

Esa Lindell Kept Diving And Diving And Then Suffered Cosmic Justice
Let us stipulate that diving, or flopping, is not so common in hockey as it is in some other sports we could name, nor is it generally treated with anything but outright contempt. It does exist, and it does, unfortunately often, work, but it’s not regarded with the grudging respect for its value it ...

Mike Francesa Blames Giants Draft Pick For Getting Shot And Bringing Shame To The Team
Two Washburn University football players were shot outside of a party in Topeka, Kansas early Sunday morning, according to the Topeka PD. Junior defensive back Dwane Simmons was pronounced dead at the scene, while his teammate Corey Ballentine suffered non-life threatening injuries. Hours before the...

Pay-To-Play Is The Stadium Grift That Keeps On Giving
Sometime in the next few days, Indiana Gov. Eric Holcomb—aka the guy who took Mike Pence’s job when Pence ascended to the Old Executive Office Building—is expected to sign a bill extending the Indiana Pacers’ lease in Indianapolis through 2044. In exchange for agreeing to have his team play where it...

If This Is Rockets-Warriors, Let's Just Get It Over With As Soon As Possible
In case you ever decide to hate sports without the crutch of a rooting interest, financial, familial, or simply laundry-based, here’s your ticket. The pre–NBA Finals NBA Finals are already a drunken bar argument, and they’re only going to get worse. The Houston Rockets ... the Golden State Warriors ...

Dave Gettleman Now Has Everything Riding On Daniel Jones
New York Giants GM Dave Gettleman apparently did not enjoy watching the majority of NFL fans and media make fun of him for selecting Duke quarterback Daniel Jones with the sixth overall pick of the 2019 NFL Draft. He’s responded to the criticism by going on a media campaign of his own, sitting down ...

Leeds Manager Marcelo Bielsa Instructs Team To Give Aston Villa An Uncontested Scoring Chance To Make Up For A Controversial Goal
Up until the 71st minute, the match between Leeds United and Aston Villa had been relatively uneventful. But once the game clock hit 71:20, the English Championship bout decided to make up for its lack of excitement over the next several moments with a debatably unsportsmanlike goal leading to a scu...

Rich Eisen Was Absolutely Amped That A Punter Got Picked In The Fourth Round
It’s difficult to make the NFL Draft seem interesting as the rounds progress and the pool of players that commentators have conceivably heard of continues to shrink at an exponential rate. But even as the pick numbers hit triple digits, teams are still capable of making exciting moves that can injec...

Seahawks Had Future Second-Round Pick DK Metcalf Arrive Topless To Combine Interview
DK Metcalf was an above-average college receiver whose draft stock exploded after a shirtless photo of him working out at the gym revealed he’s jacked as hell. At the NFL Combine, scouts only continued to drool over Metcalf once his numbers came in to show that he was pretty damn fast and that his m...

The White Sox Stopped Screwing Up Long Enough To Let Tim Anderson Be The Bat-Flipping Hero
After getting suspended one game for calling a white guy the n-word, Tim Anderson told reporters that the punishment was not going to affect him because he won’t change for anybody. It should come as no surprise, then, that the shortstop celebrated his walk-off homer in the bottom of the ninth on Fr...

Who Hugged Roger Goodell Longest At Last Night's NFL Draft?
Would you hug Roger Goodell? Is this a face that demands embrace? Probably not, assuming you’re not his spouse, or child, or one of the 32 men whose lifelong dreams of earning millions as a professional football player came true upon hearing the NFL commissioner read your name last night....

Daniel Jones, Huh?
For the first time in forever (and a few years after it should have happened), the New York Giants have a quarterback of the future. Duke’s Daniel Jones is the anointed successor to Eli Manning, the shiny new model to replace the beaten-up old jalopy who’s running on rims. Orderly succession is the ...

Dwayne Haskins Doomed For Up To Four Years As A Washington Quarterback
The Washington football team selected Ohio State quarterback, and Maryland native, Dwayne Haskins with the 15th overall pick in the NFL draft. Haskins fell to Dan Snyder’s vanity project through a combination of other teams focusing on positional needs, or going with strange draft strategies....

Raiders Do Fairly Raiders Thing
When the Oakland Raiders selected Clemson’s Clelin Ferrell with the fourth pick in the NFL Draft, the response from fans was mixed to say the least. Some were frustrated, like the man at the top of this post, while others were just flat out confused, like the fan in this clip that stopped to look ar...

Cardinals Pick Kyler Murray First Overall, Stuff Josh Rosen In The Attic
Back in October, Texas Tech’s then-head coach Kliff Kingsbury had high praise for the Oklahoma quarterback his team was about to face, Kyler Murray. He told reporters that if he could, he’d take Murray with the first pick of the draft. The Cardinals appeared to take that comment into serious conside...

How Will Your Team Screw Up In The NFL Draft?
When Drew Magary asks if you’re excited about something, the initial impulse is generally to say yes. The man is large and eager and highly excitable, and when he is excited the instinct is to be excited, too. You would no more tell him that you are not excited than you would say “ugh, relax” to a b...

An Incomplete List Of Things I Can Never Do Again
Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Email Drew here. Buy his book here....

Baseball's Unwritten Rules Are The Vestiges Of A Drunk And Violent Sport
Chicago White Sox shortstop Tim Anderson is having a very good April, give or take a gratuitous insult to his buttocks. He’s hitting .383, which is second in the AL, and has stolen nine bases, which leads the league. He has popped four home runs, too, which is the issue, here. After one of those hom...