fl Page 319 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
The Vikings Defense Ate Matthew Stafford Alive
After starting the season with wins against Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers, the Lions have gone from a team that had dark horse potential to one that is definitively ass. This afternoon, the Vikings took advantage....
Julio Jones Finally Scored A Goddamn Touchdown
It took over seven games, 59 receptions and 898 yards but Julio Jones finally scored his first touchdown of the season. Matt Ryan connected with his star receiver on a 3rd-and-two screen pass at Washington’s 35-yard line. The recently-traded HaHa Clinton-Dix almost forced Jones to fall before crossi...
Curtis Samuel Turns The Buccaneers' Defense Into Swiss Cheese
On a 1st-and-10 at the Buccaneers 33-yard line, the Panthers dialed up a double-reverse for second-year receiver Curtis Samuel, who proceeded to embarrass the hell out of nearly every single player on Tampa Bay’s defense for a touchdown....
Cardinals Release Sam Bradford Into The Wild To Search For His Next Team To Grift
The Arizona Cardinals became the latest team to realize Sam Bradford had no purpose being on their roster and cut the nine-year veteran on Saturday, according to ESPN’s Adam Schefter. ...
Former Marlin Justin Wayne Sentenced To 4 Years In Prison For Con Involving Drug Addicts' Urine
Justin Wayne was a bust. The fifth overall pick in the 2000 MLB draft, Wayne appeared in just 26 games over three seasons with the Florida Marlins, putting up an ERA over 6 (but earning a World Series ring along the way). Wayne’s post-baseball career was more successful, and more lucrative, at least...
The Strange, Incredible Joy Of Warming Up
Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Email Drew here. Buy his book here....
Vertical Formation Skydiving Turns Sheer Terror Into A Beautiful Team Sport
Dusty Hanks sits on a small plane with his teammates. He’s quiet, but his mind is full envisioning the maneuvers he’s about to perform. It’s pointless to talk, anyway; the plane gets louder as it climbs....
Life Must Go On During A Military Occupation
This piece is part of a recurring series that aims to be a complete guide to the laws of war. You can read previous entries here....
The Browns Are Being The Browns
Happy Halloween from Emergency Football Show Weekly! This week Dom and I discuss the Browns’ coaching changes, why morning NFL games are so great (Dom—and West Coasters—may disagree), Michael Dickson’s fourth-down run and Todd Gurley’s decision to go down before scoring a touchdown. Enjoy!...
Whoa, Hey, Some Football Players Got Traded
The NFL stove is notoriously ice fucking cold throughout the regular season, but teams have been feisty over the last few days, and some big-name players have been traded for significant draft picks. The league trade deadline passed at 4:00 p.m. EDT today, and would you believe it, some more guys go...
Ass Team Of The Week: Eli Manning And The New York Giants Will Break You
The New York Giants have transformed into a tremendous keister this season, the size and proportions of which have been amply documented on this very website. If you’re a regular reader you already know what the deal is: Eli Manning is old and shitty now and the offensive line can’t protect him and ...
Even The Mighty Premier League Must Bow Before The Power Of America's Stupidest Sport
Though I am a big fan of European soccer, I am an even bigger fan of massive, gaudy manifestations of American exceptionalism. And what better display of the U.S. in all its decadence and sun-blotting self-regard than us having our biggest, dumbest sport that nobody else cares about ruin the pitch o...
"Evolution" Was The Night WWE's Women Deserved. It Also Kicked Ass.
WWE Evolution started with a bang and ended in a torrent of cheers on the same Sunday night, but the promotion’s first-ever all-women’s pay-per-view event began in earnest some time before that. At a match in Abu Dhabi’s Zayed Sports City Tennis Stadium last December, Alexa Bliss and Sasha Banks, bo...
Adam Vinatieri Breaks NFL's All-Time Points Record, Receives Weird Congratulatory Video From Morten Andersen
Colts kicker Adam Vinatieri entered Sunday’s game against the Raiders just four points behind of Morten Andersen’s all-time points record of 2,544. After tying the record in the first quarter with a field goal and extra point, the 45-year-old veteran hit a 25-yarder near the end of the first half to...
Seahawks Ice Game With Punter’s Ballsy Fourth Down Run
The Seattle Seahawks called a unique play to ice the game against the Detroit Lions today: A nine-yard run by the punter from his own end zone on fourth and 8....
Fitzmagic (Sort Of) Returns After Jameis Winston Gets Benched For Throwing Four Interceptions
Jameis Winston was benched for Ryan Fitzpatrick today after his ass-tastic performance against the Cincinnati Bengals yielded four interceptions and five sacks in just under three quarters of playing time....
The Steelers Went Full-Rutgers And Forgot To Field This Safety Punt
Things were looking up for the Steelers about halfway through the third quarter. The Browns had committed a holding penalty in their own end zone, giving Pittsburgh two points off the safety which extended their lead to ten points. But the momentum came to a screeching halt for the black and gold wh...
Report: The Browns' Coaching Mess Might Require A Clean-Up
Failure that breeds dysfunction, which breeds potential coaching staff or front office changes. It might as well be the Cleveland Browns’ motto. That remains true even in a season in which the Browns are finally showing some signs of life. But Cleveland has lost three of its last four games, and the...