hi Page 869 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Just Give Olympians Their Medals Right After The Event
PYEONGCHANG, South Korea—Just before 2:45 p.m. on Thursday, 22-year-old Mikaela Shiffrin won her first gold medal of the 2018 Olympics. She watched from the bottom of the course while her final competitor skied through the giant slalom, and as soon as it became clear that her position atop the leade...
Swiss Olympic Skier Appears To Be An Escalator Wizard Or Some Shit
Swissman Fabian Bösch is a former world champion and X-Games gold medalist, but more importantly, he’s an escalator genius. If I did this, I would tear my rotator cuff, but I guess that’s why I’m not in the Olympics....
Nothing Happened To Shaun White
American snowboarder Shaun White won another Olympic gold medal in the halfpipe yesterday. The event was broadcast on NBC, and throughout the competition White was talked about as an American hero and champion. It wasn’t unexpected, as the media often equates skill with a ball, bat, or in this case ...
Roger Federer Has Fully Dropped The Illusion Of Being Human
The 36-year-old even did the ceremonial net-cord hand-wave apology after, as if to say, “I am sorry that I took up this sport, which you play for an honest living, and play it like a glitchy video game.”...
Vacation Bill Belichick Is Fully Operational
After a Super Bowl loss to Nick Foles, Patriots head coach and History Channel buff Bill Belichick has escaped to an island to unwind with his girlfriend Linda Holliday. That vacay outfit has everything: an “Adapt or Die” shirt with the Gadsden snake, a “VII Rings” visor, and chill beach trunks. Yea...
An Interview With A Shooting Expert About Markelle Fultz
Herb Magee is the all-time Division II leader in wins, a member of the Basketball Hall of Fame, and No. 3 among all NCAA men’s basketball coaches in wins, ever. In his 51st season as the men’s basketball coach at Jefferson University—formerly known as Philadelphia University—he’s also a renowned sho...
Kevin Garnett Met Some Contortionists And It Was Great TV
During last night’s NBA broadcast on TNT, Kevin Garnett’s Area 21 segment featured a performance by a squad of contortionists. Garnett, wearing his magical hood, was forced to stand there and provide commentary while the contortionists did their thing, and he did the best he could in what was probab...
Shaun White Brushes Off Sexual Harassment Lawsuit At Press Conference
PYEONGCHANG, South Korea—As is customary for American athletes who have medaled, Shaun White conducted a press conference—alongside a handler from USA Ski and Snowboarding—after earning his third lifetime Olympic gold in the halfpipe. During this press conference, White was asked about a sexual hara...
Dogs That Should Have Won The Westminster Dog Show Instead Of This Silly Fluff Ball
Behold! The winner of the 142nd Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show: none other than Flynn the bichon frise, pictured above. A very good dog—aren’t they all?—and yet, from my point of view as an idiot completely uneducated on the subject, not the best dog. Clearly not the best dog. Flynn, like any bich...
Shaun White Wins Halfpipe Gold Again
Shaun White’s still got it. The 31-year-old, after posting an insane 98.50 score in qualifying, earned his third-career Olympic gold medal with his third run of 97.75 points in a halfpipe competition that became somewhat muted following a disastrous crash on the halfpipe by Yuto Totsuka. White beat ...
Carl Hagelin Mindfucked A Goalie For An Easy Evgeni Malkin Score<em></em>
The Penguins are lighting the lamp on the Senators tonight, and Ottawa back-up goalie Mike Condon can barely figure out what’s going on. For Pittsburgh’s third goal of the game, Carl Hagelin took the puck behind the net and seemed like he was going to take it in the far corner on Condon’s left. Inst...
These Dumbass Robots In Sweaters Are Terrible At Skiing
Just an hour outside of Pyeongchang, scientists and students unleashed a small group of robot minions onto the slopes, much to the delight of the gathered populace. These bloodthirsty, unfeeling menaces may be able to turn a bit, but thankfully, they are horrible at skiing:...
The Eagles’ Super Bowl Win Has Not Changed Philly Fans One Bit
The sentiment was profane, but who cares? It was cute....
Von Miller Tries To Woo Kirk Cousins To Denver With Cereal And Rainbows
Assuming Washington isn’t crazy enough to franchise him—though no moronic idea should ever be put past a team owned by Dan Snyder—Kirk Cousins appears to be headed to free agency. Von Miller would really like you to know he wants Cousins to sign with the Broncos....
Get Ready For The NBA Tanking Campaign Of A Lifetime
By the time the NBA’s All-Star break usually rolls around, the standings are more or less set. It’s typically obvious which four or so teams will be contending for a championship, and it’s also apparent who will be spending the rest of the year in the toilet, tanking for superior lottery odds and dr...
<em></em>Marcel Hirscher Is Finally, <i>Finally</i>, An Olympic Champion
Before today, Marcel Hirscher had never won Olympic gold. Somehow....
Bucknell Wins In Regulation Despite Being Down Ten Points With Less Than 50 Seconds Left
Bucknell downed Colgate tonight at home in a stunning last-minute comeback that saw the Bison score 13 points in the final 50 seconds....
College Tennis Player Ducks Handshake After Opponent Seems To Spit In Hand
Texas A&M freshman Patrick Kypson is a talented men’s tennis player—he’s among the top 100 performers in the sport on the sixth-ranked team in the nation. He’s also the goober you see hocking a juicy loogie into his own hand in the above photo. ...
Hm, This Markelle Fultz Shooting Drill Seems Weird And Bad
The vaguely and increasingly sad saga of Markelle Fultz’s lost shooting stroke has become one of the defining stories of this NBA season. And yet, for all the reporting and blogging around it, all the proffered diagnoses from coaches and GMs and anonymous sources close to Fultz or the Sixers, all th...
For Black History Month, Boston Police Pay Tribute To White Man Who Coached Black Guys
Boston’s reputation as a city oblivious to racial issues is undeserved, I tell you....