hi Page 955 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Cucked Penguin's Insane Revenge Fight Is The Horror Movie Of The Year<em></em>
The good people at National Geographic host a program called “Animal Fight Night.” Reader, it is exactly what you’d expect. ...
Did Robert Caruso Con The Washington Press—Or Is That What The Russians <i>Want </i>You To Think?
How hard is it to con people in Washington, D.C.? Easier than you might think, considering it’s the place where things like nuclear war get decided. The national-security circuit in particular, with its think tank fellowships and massive government contracts, is one of the juiciest rackets around....
Anthony Rizzo Gets Weepy While Introducing David Ross At Victory Parade
This has been a great sports week, and you’ve only got a few hours until all that shit that made you feel good about being a sports fan fades into memory and you return to the office on Monday as the same cynical prick you’ve always been. But before you march back into the gloom, let the Chicago Cub...
Did You Hear The Latest Big Election Scoop?
This past weekend, I caught some evolved form of plague from my two-year-old, disease-carrying nephew. Though I’m past the worst of the illness at this point, some residual sinus pressure remains. So I stopped by the drugstore on my way into the office. It was here that I learned that Huma Abedin an...
The New Thing Teens Are Doing Is Called The "Mannequin Challenge"
Teens: They’re annoying, but we turn to them for the newest cool trend, then mangle and repurpose it until someone works it into a boring ad campaign three months after everyone’s moved on. The latest entry in cool things by teens is the “mannequin challenge.”...
San Antonio Cop Reportedly Fired For Feeding Homeless Man A Literal Shit Sandwich
Our American law enforcement system enables its officers to abuse their power and harass the citizenry in ways both petty and outright barbaric. Here’s a particularly cruel example, from down in San Antonio: a cop was fired this week after he fed a homeless man a shit sandwich. I do not use “shit sa...
Victory Parades Aren't Fun For Everyone
The Chicago Cubs are having their victory parade today, and the city decided to dye its river blue in order to help set a festive mood....
Congratulations, Chicago. Now Get Over It.
You did it. You won the game. Congrats. Now it’s over, and the time has come to move on. ...
Wizards And Caps Owner: I Suck Because D.C. Won't Pay My Bills For Me
This motherfucker. Here’s Ted Leonsis, majority owner of the Washington Capitals, the Washington Wizards, and the arena in which both those teams play their home games, D.C.’s Verizon Center, mewling to the Washington Post because he has to pay his own mortgage and building costs instead of passing ...
Give Theo Epstein And Bill Murray A Buddy Cop Movie, Now
Theo Epstein was rightfully and marvelously tanked last night on national television. Bill Murray, the better of the two Cubs mascots, helped him along his way....
Bárbara Latorre Scores Barcelona's <em></em>Goal Of The Season For The Women's Team
It’s hard to compete with the likes of Lionel Messi, Luis Suárez, and Neymar when it comes to scoring beautiful goals. Then again, it’s hard to imagine any of those guys to topping the wondergoal Bárbara Latorre scored for the Barcelona women’s team yesterday when she ran past almost literally every...
Reminder: Manny Pacquiao Would Like To Execute Anyone Who Has A Poppy Seed Bagel
This Saturday night, Manny Pacquiao will fight Jesse Vargas on pay-per-view. The matchup is thoroughly forgettable. But Pacquiao’s management would like to remind you that in his political career, he wants to execute many, many people! ...
Ben Zobrist Has Your Attention Now
It’s good to be Ben Zobrist. After leaving Tampa, where he put in nine productive seasons, he’s now a back-to-back World Series champion, helping bring championships to both the Royals and the Cubs, two midwestern teams with disparate, but notable droughts. Oh, and he delivered the decisive hit to m...
The Cubs Don't Have To Pretend To Be Lovable Losers Anymore
Cubs fans: Go crazy, you’ve waited more than long enough. But while this World Series is a welcome end to your suffering, let us not pretend that the Cubs franchise has ever been half as downtrodden as it portrays itself. Losing does not automatically bestow charm; underachievement does not make an ...
Now Is The Perfect Time For The Indians To Quietly Abandon Chief Wahoo
The Cleveland Indians are World Series losers, and when they report back to their home field on April 3, it should be without their racist logo, once and for all....
Kris Bryant Smiling Through The Final Out Is My Favorite Thing
I don’t really have anything add to this video of 24-year-old Kris Bryant grinning like an idiot as he made the throw to first to win the World Series, only a sincere wish that everyone reading this gets to experience a moment of similar anticipatory joy in their lives, and the observation that it i...
The Cubs Were Built For That
When a championship is decided under circumstances as historic as those that saw the Chicago Cubs claim their first World Series title in 108 years, the impossible becomes overdetermined. The evaporation of a 3-1 series lead leaves behind chokers, miraculous individual feats, and moments of immense ...
This One's For All The Cubs Fans Who Didn't Live Long Enough To See It
Fair warning, but this’ll probably make you cry....
The Cubs Were The Greatest Part Of The Greatest Sports Year
Some people are not fans of the Chicago Cubs. But many, many more people ARE fans of the Chicago Cubs. This 2016 World Series recap is for those in the latter group....
Old People Celebrating The Cubs' World Series Win Are Just The Best
When a team goes 108 years without winning a World Series, it ends up with a fanbase full of old people who have literally waited their whole lives to see the team win it all. When that team finally goes and gets a title, as the Chicago Cubs did last night, we are left with some impossibly adorable ...