hi Page 966 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Even-Year Bullshit Is Dead
The San Francisco Giants’ success in even years has run its course, and we can all breathe easy that there is in fact no higher power devoted to San Francisco baseball....
Santiago Casilla Wept After The Giants Collapsed Without Him
At 10:30 in Chicago, they decided to send the horses home....
The Giants Blew It
The San Francisco Giants spent the latter half of the year tumbling headfirst down the standings, forgetting how to hit the ball, and watching their bullpen blow any games they managed to keep close. It’s somewhat fitting that their season ended with a great big fart of a collapse....
Javy Baez Only Makes Spectacular Plays
The Giants finally remembered how to play offense and hit the baseball tonight, but Cubs second baseman Javy Baez is doing everything he can to shut them down. Baez only plays baseball at one million miles per hour, and he attacks approaching grounders like Jim Harbaugh attacks glasses of milk. ...
The Washington Nationals' Bullpen Finally Cracked
A Nationals starter hasn’t thrown a good game yet during the NLDS, but they managed to jump out to a 2-1 series lead thanks in part to a dominant bullpen. Tonight, they looked human for the first time....
Big Boy Jim Harbaugh Enjoys Huge Glass Of Milk With Large Steak<em></em>
“Would you like a drink to pair with your hunk of steak?” “Yes, can I see your two percent list?”...
Michael And Martellus Bennett Are Still Talking Outrageous Shit About, Well, Everyone
Nobody in the NFL gives nearly as good a quote as Michael and Martellus Bennett do. The brothers welcomed fans to the NFL season by dishing out burns to Eli Manning, Sam Bradford, Roger Goodell, and plenty of others. E:60 has a full profile of the brothers coming soon, and they released a minute’s w...
Report Disputes That Skins LB Su'a Cravens Needs Glasses "For A Very Long Time" After Concussion<em></em>
During an Oct. 2 game against the Browns, Washington linebacker Su’a Cravens suffered a concussion while attempting to tackle Cleveland running back Isaiah Crowell. Now, Cravens and his team appear to be having trouble settling on the exact severity of his brain injury....
Amateur Soccer Man Secures His Spot In Heaven With This Majestic Goal
“It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle,” Jesus Christ once remarked, “than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” He continued, “But if a soccer man doth line up and crack a sweet shot on goal, and find himself denied by the crossbar, yet resist the weapons of Lucifer as d...
Colin Kaepernick Will Start Against The Bills
San Francisco 49ers head coach Chip Kelly named Colin Kaepernick the starting quarterback for this Sunday’s game against the Buffalo Bills. Blaine Gabbert will be the backup QB. The 49ers are 1-4 this season....
The Missed Opportunity
In America—despite our inequality and blatant cronyism—the socialists never win. The socialists never could have won. Except for this year. ...
Alshon Jeffery Is Frustrated And John Fox Tells Reporters To Enjoy Their Damn Hot Dogs
Bears coach John Fox admits he has no idea what he’ll do when Jay Cutler is healthy, since Brian Hoyer has played well. But he knows he really doesn’t want to hear any second-guessing from the media watching the game from a climate-controlled press box....
Joe Panik Walkoff Double Keeps The Giants Alive
Joe Panik’s 13th-inning double to drive in Brandon Crawford gave the Giants a 6-5 win over the Cubs on Monday, keeping San Francisco’s season alive. The even-year cockroaches now have won 10 straight games while facing elimination....
Hitters Still Can't Touch Madison Bumgarner But A Pitcher Just Knocked One Of His Balls To Fiji
If failure is success in Silicon Valley, then Madison Bumgarner is a champion tonight. The Giants ace, last seen choking the life out of the Mets, is laying an egg in an must-win against the Cubs. He came into the game with a streak of 23 straight scoreless innings in elimination games, but managed ...
Dude Breaks Into Texas Capitol Building, Tosses Stuff Around, Gets Arrested
Austin gets a lot of press as a “cool place to live.” It is a growing city full of technology jobs, expensive coffee shops, and the other supposed signifiers of a “hip city.” Something that nobody mentions when listing Austin’s draws: it’s the only city in Texas where you can vandalize original port...
Danny Espinosa Has Zero Hits In The NLDS, But Has Been Hit By Pitch Three Times
Nationals shortstop Danny Espinosa has yet to put a ball in play through three NLDS games between the Nationals and Dodgers. He has zero hits, has struck out six times, but has been hit by pitch three times. He is batting .000 in the series, but has a .300 OBP. He has no walks or sacrifice flies....
The Bears Don't Know What They're Doing With Their Quarterbacks Either
The Chicago Bears have the following quarterbacks on their roster: Brian Hoyer, Matt Barkley, and Jay Cutler. Two of those dudes are bad. The other has an injured thumb and the disposition of a disgruntled tabby cat. Not the most enviable position to be in, but let’s see how john Fox plans to figure...
Hey, Cristiano Ronaldo Scored A Pretty Cool Goal!
Well, well, would you look at this. Global icon, all-time soccer great, and technological marvel (seriously, how did they make this android so convincingly human that it takes a solid 10 minutes or so of listening to him before you realize he was “born” in an evil scientist’s underground bunker?) Cr...
I Already Feel Bad For Adam Gase
Quarterback whisperer Adam Gase was the hottest name on the NFL coaching market the last couple of years. In 2014, he reportedly turned down the 49ers’ top job after being told he would have to keep Jim Tomsula on as defensive coordinator, and last year he interviewed with the Browns, Giants, and Ea...
Marquette King Is Good At The Internet
Raiders punter Marquette King is one of the best at his position in the NFL, landing in the top 10 in almost every major statistical category. He’s also a superb internet user whose crafted memes put my work for the Jamboroo to shame. This came to our attention this afternoon, when King dropped this...