hp Page 26 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
John Jaso Likely To Retire, Live On Sailboat
John Jaso, the dreaded pirate-looking dude who plays for the Pirates, told reporters yesterday he is probably calling it a career now that the season is over and his contract is up. Better yet: He’s retiring from baseball to sail the seven seas. No piracy, hopefully....
Patriots Fans Gather To Burn Their Stuff
I want you to try and imagine what an aggrieved Patriots fan who is so mad about some of New England’s players kneeling for the national anthem that he threw a party for other aggrieved Patriots fans to come and burn their Pats gear might look like. Okay, do you have the image in your head?...
Extremely Dedicated Shark Bites Man, Refuses To Let Go
Ervin Maccarty suffered through a rather unique shark attack earlier this month—one in which the shark just would not let the hell go of him. With the small nurse shark attached to his stomach, he climbed back on his boat off the coast of Florida, where his friends tried to help him. Some choice quo...
Georges Laraque Calls Out The Penguins' Decision To Visit The White House
The Stanley Cup champion Pittsburgh Penguins decided to visit Donald Trump at the White House, in a statement that was released soon after the President uninvited the never-really-invited Golden State Warriors. Former NHL player Georges Laraque, who played for roughly two years in Pittsburgh over a...
Packers Fan Suing Bears Gets On Soldier Field In Atlanta Falcons Jersey
The Packers and Bears resume the oldest rivalry in professional football tomorrow night, with the Bears visiting Lambeau Field for the teams’ 195th meeting. (The series, amazingly, is currently tied 94-94-6.) One man who will be in attendance for the game is Russell Beckman....
Leroy Sané Opens Scoring Against Crystal Palace With Volley Off Defender's Head
Two weeks ago, we pled with Manchester City to free Leroy Sané. The Belgian was certainly liberated today as he provided his side a 1-0 lead on Crystal Palace with a marvelous demonstration of ball control—with a little help from the defender’s head....
Video Shows Pittsburgh Police Punching Man Outside Penguins Arena
A video posted to Facebook yesterday shows a Pittsburgh police officer landing about a dozen punches to a man already on the ground Tuesday night outside of the Penguins arena. In the video, you can hear officers yelling, although it’s hard to tell who is yelling at each moment. You can hear, “Shut...
A Jogger Dubbed The "Mad Pooper" Is Terrorizing Colorado Springs<em></em>
There’s no use trying to skirt around this, so let’s cut straight to the chase: A Colorado Springs woman has been taking big craps in front of someone’s house for a few weeks now. They’re calling her the Mad Pooper and she won’t stop. The cops are involved. It appears to be some sort of revenge poop...
Idiot On The Field Slips Several Tackles Before Being Detained By His Own Lack Of A Vertical
Here’s a dipshit invading the field in Houston tonight, as is the Idiot’s way. He dodges a few tackles but finds his path blocked by the very low right field wall; it’s still too tall for his limited leaping ability (though it looks like that might be an usher playing defense on him). ...
The Texas A&M Regent Who Called For Kevin Sumlin's Firing Spent $600K On A Bigass Tank
Remember Tony Buzbee, the lawyer on the Texas A&M Board of Regents who recently called for Kevin Sumlin to be fired? He just blew a “little over $600,000" on an M4 Sherman tank that was used during World War II....
Pittsburgh Pirates Try To Justify Giving Away Effective Reliever For Free
Reliever Juan Nicasio has been having a career-best season; in his second year with the Pirates, he’s striking out nearly 25 percent of batters with a 2.85 ERA. This week, Pittsburgh placed him on irrevocable waivers to let Philadelphia take him for absolutely nothing in return, so that, uh, they co...
Pick Up The Stanley Cup Before Someone Tells You Not To
I got paired up with Jim on senior retreat. Holy Ghost Prep, our high school in suburban Philadelphia, had shipped 36 of us to Delaware for spiritual guidance and sleep deprivation. On the last day, we had an activity where we had to make a gift for another person. Jim was a big hockey fan and playe...
Overconfident Goalkeeper Pays For His Casualness With Huge Boner
Ross County’s Scott Fox must’ve thought Rangers forward Alfredo Morelos had slid off the edge of the flat Earth after the keeper managed to juke away from Morelos’s tackle deep in Fox’s own penalty area. Unfortunately, the Earth is not flat—or at least the edge of it is not located just off the boun...
Rich Piana Lived As Big As He Was
Many people die as they live. There are the Reinhard Heydrichs who go out feeling the same pain they caused in their lives run through their urethras before the light flickers out, the King Fahds who sit in luxury as their hearts murmur then finally flatline, and the Michael Jacksons who perish in c...
Matt McGloin’s Brother Calls One Eagles Beat Writer Fat, Another Poor
When the Eagles pulled Carson Wentz in last night’s preseason game, Philly fans did what they do best: Booed. It wasn’t anything in particular against the team’s current backup, Matt McGloin. Fans just wanted to see Wentz....
Poor, Poor, Poor Rich Hill
Since making his weird and improbable return to major league baseball at age 35 in the second half of 2015, Rich Hill has been almost singularly enjoyable to watch when he’s a) in a groove and b) without a blister. He hasn’t had many outings like that lately, but when he has them, his curveball is b...
Manchester United Have That Old Swagger Back
Last year, Manchester United were a team full of hesitant superstars who punched below their weight and only redeemed a shoddy sixth-place finish by winning the Europa League. Expensive debutante Paul Pogba wasn’t the sort of immediate world-beater so many people (unfairly) thought he’d be, and the ...
Phil Kessel Fills Stanley Cup With Hot Dogs To Own Toronto Columnist
Remember when Steve Simmons, columnist and stooge at the Toronto Sun, kicked off his article about the Maple Leafs trading Phil Kessel with a (later debunked) anecdote about how Kessel used to eat a street hot dog every day? I surely won’t forget that, and two Stanley Cups later, neither has Phil....
Diego Costa Is Hanging Out At Home And Talking Shit About Chelsea
The highlight of the first full weekend of hot Premier League action was not Manchester United flushing West Ham down the toilet, Wayne Rooney rescuing Everton, nor American ex-pat community Huddersfield Town winning their debut Premier League match 3-0. No, it was Antonio Conte’s Chelsea side eatin...
Yankees Fans Enjoy Subway Ride [NSFW]
Being a sports fan isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, and when the team you root for fails to give you the joy and pleasure you’re after, sometimes you have to look for alternate avenues for good sensations. Hence these two Yankees fans coming together in sexual congress on the 5 train after the Yanks...