ick Page 340 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights

Enes Kanter Misses Knicks Practice And Game Due To Grotesque Burger Excess [Update]

Enes Kanter coverage tends to fork into two categories, both of which are true to the man himself and both of which are honestly pretty confusing taken together. One is Kanter Bravely Stands Up To Authoritarian, and the other is Kanter Bungles Badly While Seeking Attention. Perhaps there’s some ove...

Rick Nash Retires To Avoid The Risk Of Further Brain Injury

Fifteen-year NHL veteran Rick Nash, who hasn’t played since suffering a concussion in March 2018, has retired from hockey because “the risk of further brain injury is far too great if (he) returns to play,” according to a statement released by his agency Friday morning....

The Thunder And Spurs Preview What The Second Half Has In Store For The Western Conference

If you missed Thursday night’s Thunder-Spurs game, you missed a doozy. It went to double overtime, and the teams combined for 301 total points, which made this the first 300-point NBA game since 2006. The superstar players were mostly fantastic, but there was enough time and room in the game for guy...

Report: Nick Young Stole Man's Phone And Hit Him In The Dick And Balls At A Car Wash

Nick Young’s lone NBA action this season was a four-game cup of coffee with the Nuggets. He scored nine points and got waived shortly before the new year, though it appears he’s still getting shots up....

Don't Slap The Floor Against Luka Dončić<em></em>

Luka Dončić has very quickly gone from that player who puts up great stat lines in the face of losses, to that young star whose performances can inspire his team to victory. Most of that comes from his unique experience when compared to the other rookies in his class. His time playing in Europe has...

Here Is A Haunting Anecdote About How Vikings GM Rick Spielman Puts On His Pants

It was not a bad or even a strange idea for Sports Illustrated to have Greg Bishop spend four months of the NFL season with the Minnesota Vikings. The Vikings nearly made the Super Bowl in 2017 on the strength of the NFL’s best defense, then went on to swap out Case Keenum for alarmingly remedial gr...

Which stock characters will your favorite NFL team interview in its futile search for a good head coach? Beware “guy who went 3-1 as an interim coach two years ago.” [SI]...

What The Hell Was Nick Saban Thinking With That Fake Field Goal?

After spotting Clemson a 15-point lead at the half, Alabama slowly moved the ball down the field on their first possession of the third quarter, taking 12 plays to get to a pivotal fourth-and-6 from the Clemson 22. Bama’s kicker had doinked an extra point in the first half, so Nick Saban faced the d...

Clemson Tigers Roll Tide Up In An Area Rug And Dump Them In A River

Well, that was an ass-whupping. Clemson scored first and kept scoring, and Alabama shot their own butts off, and when it was over—roughly three minutes into the fourth quarter—the Tigers had secured a 44–16 victory over Alabama and definitively replaced them as college football’s preeminent powerhou...

Alabama Doinks Kicks Because Nick Saban Is A Weirdo

Alabama opened the second half of tonight’s national championship game down 15 points to Clemson. It should’ve been 14 points, but kicker Joseph Bulovas missed the extra point after Alabama’s second touchdown, and Clemson has had the lead ever since....

The Patrick McCaw Holdout Saga Keeps Getting Weirder [Update]

Swingman Patrick McCaw spent the last two seasons with the Warriors, playing 16 or so minutes a game and providing the team with wing depth. He started a few playoff games, struggled with his confidence, did some cool dunks, and won two rings. This offseason, though, he refused to re-sign with the t...

Derrick Rose, Who Should Definitely Relax, To His Doubters: "Kill Yourself" [Update]

In a press conference this afternoon, Timberwolves guard Derrick Rose twice told reporters that anyone who doubts his basketball ability should kill themselves. Per Minneapolis Star Tribune reporter Chris Hine:...

Robbie Gould, The Best Kicker In Bears History, Was At Their Playoff Loss

Bears fans might be having a rough Monday after Cody Parkey’s double-doink kept them from advancing in the playoffs, but this may provide some solace: The best kicker in the history of their franchise was in the stands watching....

Cody Parkey Double-Doinked And Kept The Nick Foles Magic Alive<em></em>

With ten seconds left in the game against Philadelphia, Bears kicker Cody Parkey somehow hit the goalpost and the crossbar on a 43-yard field goal attempt that would have eliminated the Eagles from the playoffs. The double-doinked kick was not good, and big-dicked god-king Nick Foles survived anothe...

Dirk Nowitzki Couldn't Get The Two Measly Points The Celtics Kind Of Wanted To Give Him

“Most career points in the arena by a visiting Western Conference player” is the type of mark that’s closer to a tough trivia answer than a cherished record, and Dirk Nowitzki only needed a single field goal to pass Kobe Bryant for it in Boston last night. Everyone involved wanted the vile Kobe to l...

Enes Kanter Will Not Travel With The Knicks To London Because Turkish Spies Might Kill Him 

The life of a political dissident can be rather strenuous to a person’s work schedule. No one in the NBA knows this better than Knicks center Enes Kanter, an outspoken critic of Turkish president Recep Tayyip Erdogan and the government he presides over. After his team’s win over the Lakers on Friday...

Derrick Rose’s Bullshit Redemption Story Might Make Him An All-Star

Every year, the NBA releases the first round of All-Star Game fan voting as a way to drum up excitement for its yearly showcase of the best players in the league. This season’s first batch of voting holds few surprises; among the top vote-getters are LeBron James, Kyrie Irving, Steph Curry, and... ...

The Spiraling Memphis Grizzlies Are Now Punching Each Other

The Grizzlies lost to the Detroit Pistons Wednesday night, 101–94. It was an ugly, frustrating performance for a Memphis team that has now lost 10 of their last 13 games after a promising 15–9 start to the season. The angst and frustration appears to have boiled over in a team meeting held after the...

What Horrible Things Did We Do To Our Penises Last Year?<em></em>

Happy new year, one and all. This year, resolve to take better care of your dick and balls; last year you did a really bad job of it....

Nick Foles Has Done It Again, Of Course

Although it seemed unlikely coming into Sunday, and even more unlikely several weeks out, we all kind of knew this would happen. The Nick Foles-led miracle Eagles have scratched their way back into the playoffs, edging out the Minnesota Vikings for the NFC’s second Wild Card spot. This could only ha...