it Page 698 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Apologies To This Hockey Child, But I Am His Mother Now
Whether or not to have a child is a complicated and morally questionable decision that each person must weigh carefully. It is a difficult question for most people except for me, because I have decided to adopt this small hockey boy and love him forever. ...
Vince Carter Remains Vince Carter, Drains Threes Over Hapless Knicks
If you have not watched a Hawks game on TV lately, you may have missed a number of ESPN graphics reminding you incessantly and in various creative ways that Vince Carter is old, older than his team’s entire roster combined, old enough to be Trae Young’s dad’s dad, so old he played pickup with James ...
Here's A Humiliating Way To Lose Your First Game Of The Season
The Colorado Avalanche looked unstoppably good through their first five games of the NHL season, going 5-0-0 against their early competition. But too bad for them tonight, the Pittsburgh Penguins knew their weakness: Gabriel Landeskog can’t defend shorthanded overtime goals when he’s in the crease....
Gross, Someone Let Their Cat Puke In The Stanley Cup
There’s a long and storied history of NHL players putting gross shit in the Stanley Cup in the offseason after they win it all. But whoever let their cat vomit up this hairy this mound of flesh-colored puke into the Cup yesterday owes everybody an apology. In the past, the trophy’s been filled with...
Iron-Skulled Lad Scores Header From Beyond Halfway Line
I don’t care that this goal was only possible due to a goalkeeping boner. I don’t care that it was scored in England’s seventh division, where the pitches are much smaller than in the top leagues. I don’t even care that there’s zero chance the scorer meant to do what he did. Regardless of all that, ...
It's The Beginning Of The End For Marcus Mariota In Tennessee
After all the angst over Jameis Winston vs. Marcus Mariota at the top of the 2015 draft, the answer may well turn out to be: neither of them. (Or, possibly: Sean Mannion.) Winston is still doing his thing, alternating brief stretches of competence with mindbending turnovers, while Mariota offers mor...
Theo Epstein Landlord-Tenant Lawsuit Pits Scorpion Infestation Against Home-Befouling Doggo
Cubs executive Theo Epstein is embroiled in a not-at-all-classic security deposit dispute with a landlord whose home in Paradise Valley, Arizona Epstein rented with his family during spring training in 2015. The landlord says Epstein’s small family dog was a prolific piss-monster; Epstein says the h...
Who Does Los Angeles's Olympic Legacy Really Serve?
LOS ANGELES — The LA84 Foundation is turning 35 years old. If you don’t live in Southern California or don’t work in the sports nonprofit industrial complex, you probably haven’t heard of it. But the foundation commands a reverence from a certain set of LA normie (read: suburban homeowners), and has...
A Pair Of Phantom Penalties Cost The Lions A Win In Green Bay
Sure, the Lions could have scored some more touchdowns Monday night. Their offense started hot, with a neat flea-flicker for a 66-yard gain on the first drive, and a 58-yard Matthew Stafford bomb to wideout Marvin Hall on the second. For all the opportunities in the red zone, they couldn’t get the ...
Patrick Mahomes's First Pick Of The Season Happened After A Bizarre, Sketchy Officiating Decision
With the Kansas City Chiefs leading the Texans by a touchdown in the second quarter of Sunday’s game, quarterback Patrick Mahomes drove his team to the edge of the red zone, only to throw it to Houston safety Tashaun Gipson in the end zone. However, officials flagged cornerback Lonnie Johnson Jr. fo...
Dolphins Win Barf Bowl, Lose To Washington In Final Seconds
So far this season the Miami Dolphins had looked unstoppable on their way to a No. 1 draft pick and Tua Tagovailoa. But their tank rumbled over a potential minefield on Sunday: a matchup with Washington, one of a small handful of teams that might be nearly as bad as the Dolphins, and the only team t...
Who Dat Say Dey Justified By Works And Not Faith Alone?
The Holy Father is fading the Jaguars today....
Penn State Confiscates Players' Shirts Supporting Teammate Jonathan Sutherland
During their pregame warmups, Penn State football players wore shirts in that supported teammate Jonathan Sutherland, who received a letter from an old white couple that chided him for his shoulder-length dreadlocks. The shirts played off of the team’s rallying cry and read “Chains, Tattoos, Dreads,...
Steve Kerr Reminds Us Who The NBA's Unifying Powers Really Serve
“The world is a complex place and there’s more gray than black-and-white.” That is how Steve Kerr rationalized his refusal to comment on the not-actually-all-that-complex topic of the NBA bowing to the Chinese government’s rage over an American in America exercising of one of America’s most fundamen...
Bernie Sanders And Elizabeth Warren Take Aim At Corporate Interests Gutting Journalism
Two leading Democratic presidential candidates, Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren, issued statements today condemning the corporate interests that have increasingly been destroying media institutions....
Houston Football Player Calls Out Dana Holgorsen, Says Coach Is Tanking The Season
Houston Cougars offensive lineman Justin Murphy, who left the team Tuesday, shared his experience Thursday about his rough year with the program, as well as the specific mismanagement of head coach Dana Holgorsen. Murphy, a sixth-year graduate transfer who also attended Texas Tech and UCLA, said his...
Antiques Shitshow: How Much Is My Ron Artest Kings Jersey Worth, Besides "Everything To Me"?
As I remember it, the decision to buy my white Ron Artest Sacramento Kings jersey was not a reasoning one. The decision to buy a basketball jersey, as someone who will probably only ever wear it during the six days per year that I am at or near a beach, is inherently not a reasonable one. And yet I ...
Gerrit Cole Made Mincemeat Out Of The Rays
Game 5 of the American League* Divisional Series between the Astros and Rays functionally ended in the first inning. Not because the Astros put 10 runs on the board, a la the Cardinals, but because they put more than a single run on the board, in a game in which they had the insane and unfair Gerrit...
The Inherent Demeaning Effects Of Global Capital, Bootlicking, Things Of That Nature
In a better world, we’d all probably still work a decent amount. Probably not quite as much and definitely not under conditions that work in a thousand different ways to demean and diminish every human involved at every level, while somehow serving to enrich only the worst of those, but in that bett...
Clayton Kershaw Will Never Get Over It
Clayton Kershaw was on in the eighth for two batters, and two batters only, no matter how he looked, no matter the result. Kenta Maeda was warm and ready, and after Kershaw faced Anthony Rendon and Juan Soto, Maeda would come in for a string of righties. So, just two batters, with a two-run lead. Ke...