it Page 927 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Ravens Commit Repeated Simultaneous Holding Penalties To Run Out Clock On Game's Final Play
The Baltimore Ravens successfully ran out the game’s final 11 seconds on fourth down by committing holding against all nine Bengals who rushed their punter, giving Sam Koch the time to meander around the end zone before finally conceding a meaningless safety....
Vontaze Burfict Shamelessly Flops, Gets Steve Smith In Trouble
Cincinnati Bengals linebacker Vontaze Burfict has many instances of dirty play listed on his résumé, but in today’s game against the Baltimore Ravens, he showed off his versatility with an ostentatious flop....
Pitt Beats Syracuse 76-61 Not In Basketball
Pittsburgh defeated Syracuse on Saturday by a score of 76-61, the highest-scoring FBS regulation game in history. ...
Bob Bradley Becomes First American Manager To Win Premier League Game
With a 5-4 Swansea City victory over Crystal Palace, Bob Bradley became the first American manager to win a game in the Premier League....
Antonio Brown Was Just About Perfect
There’s no such thing as a “perfect game” for a wide receiver, but if such a thing did exist, Antonio Brown came very close to pitching one last night....
Goodnight Nurse
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How To Talk To Your Shithead Liberal Nephew Over The Holidays<em></em>
Congratulations! You won the election. Not you, specifically—unless you’re reading this, Mr. Trump, which, now that your name is in it, you probably are—but your people: Real American Men, where “real” means over 45 and white, “American” means suburban- or rural-residing, and “men” means what it use...
Steve Smith Doesn't Give A "Flying Fuck" About Rookies Who Hate Him
Steve Smith has now successfully gotten under the skin of two rookie cornerbacks. He riled up the Jaguars’ Jalen Ramsey so thoroughly during their Week 3 matchup that Ramsey went on an anti-Smith rant after the game. This past Sunday, Smith talked so much shit to the Cowboys’ Anthony Brown that the ...
Jos Hermens Explains How He's Going To Find A Sub Two-Hour Marathoner
Jos Hermens had been talking for maybe four minutes, and already I had learned that he sexted his wife (he made a gleeful face and texting motions); that Americans are fucking uptight (also uptight about fucking) and that is the problem with our country; that his people, the Dutch, are so happy beca...
Missouri's Athletic Department Is Under NCAA Investigation For Alleged Academic Fraud
The University of Missouri Athletic Department is under investigation by the NCAA for alleged academic fraud after a former tutor revealed “widespread” cheating abetted by academic tutors. The school did not name any specific programs that were under scrutiny, but they announced that they were inves...
Kevin Johnson Apparently Out Of The Running To Be Married To Trump's Secretary of Education
Disgraced school-privatization activist Michelle Rhee announced today that she doesn’t want—or at least is not pursuing—a job as Donald Trump’s secretary of education....
Pistons To Abandon Perfectly Good Arena, Move In With Red Wings
At a press conference today, the Detroit Pistons announced that the team will soon be playing its home games in downtown Detroit and sharing a new arena with the Detroit Red Wings....
Some U.S. Soldiers Share Extremely Blunt Thoughts On Commander-In-Chief Donald Trump
Government employees have shared serious concerns about working under Donald Trump. None of them are more concerned than the active duty members of the U.S. military who wrote to us. ...
The Chiefs Have Real Problems
Late last week I pitched an article about the Chiefs. Heading into Week 11, they had won five straight and were in line for the AFC’s No. 2 seed. But, I proposed to question, are the Chiefs actually any good? The response I got from an editor was to wait to see how the Chiefs did during Sunday’s hom...
Colin Jost Is A Dumbass
Here is a joke that Colin Jost, co-host of Saturday Night Live’s “Weekend Update,” made last Saturday:...
Brock Osweiler Said Laser Pointer From Stands Affected His Play
It was like a freaking Laser Floyd show in Mexico City last night, with someone in the pro-Raiders crowd shining a big-ass green laser pointer at Brock Osweiler in an attempt to distract the Texans’ QB in Houston’s2 7-20 loss. It worked: Osweiler called it “very distracting” and said it “certainly a...
This Is A Good Hockey Family
Jake Guentzel made his NHL debut for the Pittsburgh Penguins tonight and he got to work immediately, scoring on his very first shot. But that’s not why we’re here. Guentzel’s first goal (he scored both Pittsburgh goals on the evening) was the mere appetizer for his family losing their collective shi...
Accused Sexual Abuser Kevin Johnson Meets With Accused Sexual Abuser Donald Trump
This past Saturday, disgraced school-privatization activist Michelle Rhee brought her husband, disgraced outgoing Sacramento mayor Kevin Johnson, to a meeting with Donald Trump at the president-elect’s golf club, where they discussed her possible nomination as secretary of education. Trump met that ...
If You Want To Know What Potential Trump Cabinet Member Kris Kobach Plans To Do It's All Written On This Piece Of Paper
Yesterday, Donald Trump held more meetings with all sorts of people hoping to ingratiate themselves with the president-elect. Among them was Kris Kobach, the deeply anti-immigrant secretary of state of Kansas who was thought to be Trump’s pick for attorney general, but now may be in the running for ...
Susan Collins Is Still An Asshole
In the wake of a divisive presidential election, America is seeking unifying political figures. It is an important time to reaffirm the fact that moderate Maine Republican Senator Susan Collins is, indeed, an asshole....