k Page 2049 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Serge Ibaka Got Hit In The Dick And Balls
Through three quarters, Kelly Oubre had no points in today’s NBA playoff opener for the Washington Wizards. What he did have was an amazing pass right into Serge Ibaka’s dick and balls....
Mitch Kupchak Cleans House In Charlotte, Fires Steve Clifford And Everyone Else
The first big set of moves of the Mitch Kupchak era in Charlotte saw the team cast off its analytics department, its training staff, and its coaching staff, including head coach Steve Clifford:...
Marlins Man Visits Marlins' Off-Shore Corporate Home, Finds P.O. Box And Many Confused Locals
In a move that is equal parts activism, investigative journalism, and performance art, and is rooted in one strange man’s performative loyalty to the least lovable franchise in baseball, Marlins Man apparently flew to the British Virgin Islands and sought the location of the corporate home of the Mi...
Golfer Kelly Kraft Misses Cut After Tee Shot Nails Bird Mid-Flight
I truly wish video existed of this event: Kelly Kraft narrowly missed the cut at the RBC Heritage in South Carolina Friday after his tee shot at the par-3 14th hit a bird mid-flight and dropped directly into a water hazard. Per the PGA’s website:...
I Am So Incredibly Ready For NBA Tanking To Be A Thing Of The Past
The 2018 NBA Draft Lottery, held just over a month from today, will be the last before the NBA institutes the new odds formula cooked up last September, designed to reduce or eliminate tanking. Spoiler alert! The new formula will not solve tanking, an inevitability that Adam Silver recently acknowle...
A Timely And Exhaustive Preview Of The 2018 NBA Playoffs
Ah, casual sports fan: We meet again. The 2018 NBA playoffs begin this afternoon! How the hell will you know what is going on in the games, other than like a bunch of sweaty dudes bouncing a ball and throwing it through a pair of rings, if you don’t have some 10,000 words of preview and analysis to ...
Owner Who Sold Off All His Team's Best Players Wants Team To "Find A Way To Win More Games"
The Marlins beat the Pirates last night, at home, in front of fewer than 7,000 fans. Before the game new Marlins owner Derek Jeter spoke to assembled media about evaluating his team’s start, what it will take to develop a winning culture, and those dismal home crowds:...
Mark Sanchez Suspended Four Largely Hypothetical Games For Failed PED Test
Former (and I suppose sort of current) NFL quarterback Mark Sanchez will be suspended for the first four games of the 2018-19 NFL season after testing positive for a banned performance-enhancing substance. Sanchez announced the news himself on Instagram, claiming that he was “blind-sided by the news...
Unleash Playoff LeBron
Fifteen years on, you could hardly be blamed for being desensitized to LeBron James. You and me and everyone else that plays with real and fake MVP votes at the end of every NBA season know how boring monotony can get, and so we stitch together some selective, season-specific argument sort-of-provi...
Thunder Announcer Who Said Russell Westbrook Was "Out Of His Cotton-Pickin' Mind" Suspended For One Game
Oklahoma City TV announcer Brian Davis has been suspended by the team for Game 1 of the Thunder’s first-round series against the Jazz after he used the phrase, “out of his cotton-pickin’ mind” to describe Russell Westbrook in the team’s final regular-season game. ...
The Broken Oilers Are Keeping Their Crappy GM
It’s pretty hard for a team to be a bigger disappointment than the Edmonton Oilers were this year. Coming off a tough Game 7 loss in the second round of last year’s playoffs, this year’s squad—led by the attractive young duo of Connor McDavid and Leon Draisaitl, plus a potentially great defenseman i...
Looks Like Woj Got A New Word-A-Day Calendar
“... a punishment that will vanquish him from the postseason roster, league sources told ESPN.” [ESPN]...
Boxer Wears Anti-Immigrant Trunks, Gets Soundly Beaten By Mexican Opponent
American boxer Rod Salka lost a six-round bout to Mexican fighter Francisco Vargas last night. Salka, who is known for having been brutally knocked out by Danny Garcia in 2014, entered the ring wearing trunks with an anti-immigrant message. The top of Salka’s trunks had “AMERICA 1ST” written on them...
How Pat Burrell Set The Home-Run Record... In A Sci-Fi Novel About Killer Prehistoric Sharks
Steve Alten grew up in Philadelphia. He went to schools—Penn State, Delaware, Temple—that Philly kids go to. And, though he lives in South Florida now, he’s still a huge Philadelphia sports fan....
Headbuttin' College Closer Very Pleased To Have Escaped A Jam
UCF beat Miami 4-0 on Wednesday, thanks in large part to closer Bryce Tucker’s performance in the final frame. Miami managed to load the bases with nobody out in the bottom of the ninth, at which point Tucker nailed shit down by striking out the side....
Okay, Confirmed, Evander Kane Is A "Playoff Player"
In his ninth season, in his fourth city, Evander Kane had played 574 games without ever making the playoffs. (That was just five games shy of Carolina’s Jeff Skinner, who now has no real challengers.) So when Kane earlier this week called himself a “playoff player,” he was talking style, not experi...
Good Lord, Filip Forsberg, This Is Sorcery
Filip Forsberg scored twice in the third period of the Predators’ 5-2 win over the Avalanche in Game 1 of their first-round series tonight, but forget about that first goal for now, because his second one was truly gorgeous. It’s unclear how exactly he managed to keep track of the puck here in order...
Capitals Collapse, In What Is Surely Not An Omen Of Things To Come
Maybe it’s just me, but it felt easier to talk myself into the Capitals this playoffs. They’re still a very good team, the thinking went, but without the pressure of the Presidents’ Trophy—which they won the past two years—maybe they could learn from experience and surprise people by avoiding the in...
Well, Here's A Characteristically Depressing Inning From The Reds Bullpen
It’s remarkable that Cincinnati’s bullpen didn’t finish last in any meaningful statistical category last year. They were terrible, of course, and they ended up in the bottom five for just about everything—ERA, FIP, strikeout-to-walk ratio, total saves, home runs allowed—but there was no one spot whe...
The Bruins Whupped The Leafs, But The Ugliness Is Just Beginning
Despite one truly beautiful goal from Toronto’s Zach Hyman, the Bruins easily dispatched the Maple Leafs at home in the first game of their opening-round series tonight, winning 5-1. Boston looked good doing it, too—they closed the night with four straight goals, including this third-period highligh...