lastnight Page 12 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Last Night's Winner: The Stupid Zone Defense
In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like the Phoenix Suns' 2-3 zone, which has thus far discombobulated the Lakers and which is otherwise a regrettable development for hoopish fops like me....
Last Night's Winner: Toothless Self-Imposed Sanctions
In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like Michigan's football program, which, when they're the ones suggesting the punishment, somehow, somehow got off easy....
Last Night's Winner: The Rest Of The NFC North
In sports, everyone is a winner-some people just win better than others. Like Tarvaris Jackson's chances of starting, which look pretty bright since Brett Favre has hitched his latest comeback to the hopes of a long-shot college baseball team....
Last Night's Winner: Fans Of Fingering
In sports everyone's a winner — some win better than others, like every headline writer who's dreamed of using the verb "finger." Last night was a flat-out finger blast for those folks....
Last Night's Winner: The Wizards, Somehow
In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like the Wizards, who, despite long odds, left the annual Secaucus Bingo Night and Bad Suit Competition with the rights to try and not screw up John Wall....
Last Night's Winner: Boston Self-Pity
In sports everyone's a winner — some just win better than others. Like Boston pity-partiers ready to commemorate their return to being sad-sacks after a glorious run of over-confidence....
Last Night's Winner: Everyone Who Doesn't Live In Cleveland
In sports everyone's a winner, some just win better than others — like every fan of professional sports franchises not located in Cleveland, Ohio. Bless yourselves today....
Last Night's Winner: Bob Bradley's Blamelessness
In sports, everyone is a winner-some people just win better than others. Like Bob Bradley's exclusion of Charlie Davies from the World Cup roster, which, thanks to Davies's overly cautious Ligue 1 side, isn't Bradley's fault....
Last Night's Winner: LeBron James Bearishness
In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like every writer who's had a nuclear "Fuck LBJ" column rattling around in their brain. After James's performance last night, most of them pushed the red button....
Last Night's Winner: Congressman-Elect Pac-Man
In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like Manny Pacquiao, the boxer on the cusp of winning a congressional seat in his native Philippines, thus giving him a position of prominence in two criminal rackets....
Last Night's Winner: JaMarcus Russell's Adipose Tissue
In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like the 300-some pounds JaMarcus Russell was said to be carrying, and which the newly released quarterback will now be carrying out of Oakland....
Last Night's Winner: Eric Byrnes's New Softball Team
In sports, everyone is a winner - some people just win better than others. Like a California beer league softball team, which will have the services of the former major leaguer, without having to pick up that $11m contract....
Last Night's Winner: Philadelphia Bloodlust
In sports, everyone is a winner - some people just win better than others. Like Philly's desire to Taser this copycat attention whore who ran onto the field, which is actually better than he deserves....
Last Night's Winner: The Dogged Efforts To Prove Dez Bryant's Mom Is A Sinner
In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like the Karacter Kops determined to prove that the mother of a newly minted professional football player is, while not a hooker, still a very bad person....
Last Night's Winner: Off-Track Betting
In sports, everyone is a winner-some people just win better than others. Like horse racing tracks, which, thanks to some lucky schlub publicly turning nothing into $900,000, should be seeing an influx of fools and their money, soon parted....
Last Night's Winner: Real Players Playing Golf
In sports, everyone is a winner — some people just win better than others. Like every golfer at the Quail Hollow Championship not named Tiger Woods, all of whom might have some peace and quiet and golf-claps, for once....
Last Night's Winner: The Emergence Of George Hill (As A Professional Basketball Player)
In sports, everyone is a winner-some people just win better than others. Like Spurs' point guard George Hill, who helped the rickety San Antonio Spurs topple the Dallas Mavericks in six ref-marred games....
Last Night's Winner: Les Habitants (Of Their Mothers' Basements)
In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like the Poindexters and figure filberts who knew all along that the roundly dismissed Canadiens were dangerous....
Last Night's Winner: LeElbow
In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like the hinge joint in LeBron James's right arm, which exploded into a thousand pieces yesterday, filling the Cleveland sky with bright constellations of bone dust and shard....
Last Night's Winner: People Who Question Dwight Howard's Manhood
In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like the folks who mistake human beings for sled dogs and accuse Dwight Howard of not being alpha enough....