league Page 236 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Liverpool Deservedly Win A Rather Dull Champions League Final
In an otherwise uneventful match that was bookended by two Liverpool goals, Jürgen Klopp’s side defeated Tottenham 2-0 for the club’s sixth European title. Mohamed Salah got the Reds on the board early after a very Spursy gaffe gave Liverpool a penalty less than 30 seconds into the game....
Tottenham Couldn't Go 30 Seconds Without Punching Themselves In The Dick
Not even 30 seconds had passed before Tottenham decided to turn up their Spursiness and put themselves in a goal-sized hole against Liverpool in the Champions League final. ...
Trevor Rosenthal Pitching Update: Look Out!
Scattershot Nationals reliever Trevor Rosenthal was sent to the injured list back on April 26, two days after his last outing, another alarming disasterpiece in what is shaping up to be a nightmare of a season. The official line at the time was that Rosenthal had a stomach virus that caused weight l...
England's FA Hopes Internet Shaming Will Prevent The Lads From Acting Like Absolute Knobs
The most recent instance of English lads descending on the Iberian peninsula for a soccer match ended up making international news after a Brit shoved an old man into a fountain. So it makes sense that England’s Football Association would want to stop any such debacle in its tracks as the Three Lio...
Mesut Özil Has Become Arsenal's Most Expensive Liability
As he walked off the field in Baku during Arsenal’s embarrassing performance in the Europa League final, the relatively paltry numbers of Arsenal fans in attendance serenaded Mesut Özil with boos. Özil had just put in yet another lackluster performance in a big game for the Gunners, showing once aga...
Eden Hazard Leads Chelsea's Thumping Of Arsenal In Lopsided Europa League Final
It’s probably not surprising that the Europa League final—a match rife with controversy, low attendance, and teams traveling halfway across the world—was a snoozefest, but good God, was this boring. Chelsea beat Arsenal 4-1 to claim the club’s second Europa League title, lifting a trophy that means ...
Liga MX And MLS Will Compete For A New, Meaningless Trophy
Starting in July, MLS and Liga MX will compete in a new, eight team, single elimination competition to crown the best club in Mexico and the United States (Canada can go fuck itself unless Toronto, Vancouver, or Montreal qualify for the tourney, I guess). At least, that’s in theory what is being pit...
Tim Tebow Chooses To Watch, Stand Fast In The Faith, And Strike Out Looking Against Position Player
When we last checked in with Tim Tebow, he was preparing for professional life full of Triple-A baseball and a personal life full of matrimonial sex. Tebow and his fiancée still haven’t officially tied the knot, so the sex is still on hold, as is the progress of his baseball career. Tebow has been e...
Fresno Grizzlies Are Sorry For Memorial Day Video That Showed Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez As Freedom’s Enemy
Between games of a Memorial Day doubleheader, the Fresno Grizzlies displayed a video on the big screen for the holiday. Backed by a selection from Ronald Reagan’s first inaugural address—the parts about freedom and dignity and how America will never surrender, not the parts about shrinking the feder...
Aston Villa Are Returning To The Premier League
Aston Villa have made their way back to the Premier League after defeating Derby County 2-1 at Wembley in the Championship playoff final. The club joins Norwich City and Sheffield United as the three clubs heading to the top flight and replacing Huddersfield Town, Fulham and Cardiff City....
The Europa League Final Is Going To Be A Lowly Attended Disaster
The Europa League final is the debacle that keeps on giving. After Arsenal confirmed that midfielder Henrikh Mkhitaryan would not be playing the final in Baku, Azerbaijan due to his Armenian heritage, reports are coming out that the stadium might be half-empty for what is ostensibly the second bigge...
Arsenal's Henrikh Mkhitaryan Will Not Play In Europa League Final Because UEFA Can't Guarantee His Safety
Arsenal announced on Tuesday that star midfielder Henrikh Mkhitaryan will not be joining the club in Baku, Azerbaijan for the Europa League final against Chelsea due to safety concerns, depriving the London club one of its best players for what seem to be entirely avoidable reasons....
Be Horrified By Manchester City For The Right Reasons
On Saturday, Watford were set alight and consumed by flames in the latest sacrificial ritual attesting to the almighty powers of Manchester City. The smoke from that immolation announced City as champions of the F.A. Cup, winners of the first domestic treble in English soccer history, and legitimate...
Gareth Bale Deserved Better
As Real Madrid’s worst domestic season since the turn of the century came to a close under a chorus of boos from the Bernabéu faithful, Gareth Bale sulked. As was all too common during this miserable season, Bale was purely a spectator for Madrid’s 0-2 loss to Real Betis, watching from the bench but...
Vincent Kompany Is Leaving Manchester City To Become Player-Manager Of Belgium's RSC Anderlecht
After 11 pretty darn successful seasons with Manchester City, Vincent Kompany wrote in an open letter on his Facebook page that the FA Cup final marked the end of his time at the club. In a follow-up post, he announced his next career endeavor would be becoming player-manager of Belgian club RSC And...
Lyon Trounce Barcelona To Win Fourth Consecutive Women's Champions League Title
Lyon cruised through the Women’s Champions League final and defeated Barcelona 4-1 to win the club’s fourth consecutive UCL title. After scoring four goals in 30 minutes—which included a 17-minute hat-trick from Ada Hegerberg—Lyon were able to sit back, relax and enjoy the remaining hour of game tim...
Happy Trails To Lazar Marković, A Hero To Underachievers Everywhere
Lazar Marković is not a good soccer player. It would even be fair to describe him as an actively bad one, at least relative to the level expected of players at the clubs that have paid him a sizable salary to do anything but play soccer for them these past few years. And yet, until today, Marković h...
Minor League Baseball Announcer Calls His Own Sweet Catch: "I Am Very Proud Of Myself!"
In a minor league game between the Somerset Patriots and the High Point Rockers Wednesday night, a foul ball was spun back into the crowd, in the direction of the open window of Patriots broadcaster Marc Schwartz. Schwartz, who appears to be very good at his job while possessing the reflexes of a ca...
Idiot Portsmouth Fan Arrested For Hitting Sunderland Player Who Fell Into The Stands
In the lower levels of English soccer, fans often are nasty, brutish, and short-tempered. We saw evidence of this in March when an idiot stormed the field mid-game to sucker-punch a player, and we saw even more yesterday, when a Portsmouth fan punched and kicked Sunderland’s Luke O’Nien after the pl...