lsd Page 18 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Mike Pence Is A Fucking Joke<em></em>
Say hello to our Elderly Lego Man Vice President, wearing his varsity Vice Presidenting jacket and standing, with an intensity reserved almost exclusively for constipation sufferers, near the Demilitarized Zone separating North and South Korea. Supposedly, Pence wasn’t meant to go outside during his...
The Time Has Come For <i>The Americans'</i> Philip Jennings To Defect
I like watching The Americans because I like watching two characters who are, without question, worse parents that I am. As much as I fuck up, I will never have to shield my kids from the fact that I have slaughtered dozens of innocent people, and I will not then attempt to indoctrinate the oldest o...
What Is The Worst Car Color?<em></em>
Former Deadspinner and biannual blogger Kyle Wagner told me yesterday that he got a three-piece from Popeyes and there was no thigh in the box. Can you imagine that? I’d fucking die if my Popeyes order didn’t have a thigh in it. That knob of skin fat that’s just hanging off? That’s the best part of ...
The Evil New Toy Fad That Must Be Destroyed<em></em>
I was on single parent duty this weekend because the wife was on a gals’ vacation, so I took my older son to a soccer game and had to bring the younger one as well. And before we left, I asked the four-year-old, “You wanna use the bathroom?”...
Tony Romo: A Career In Takes
If Tony Romo deserves to be remembered for anything, it’s that he managed to make nearly everyone look fucking stupid....
Adrian Peterson Is In Exile
Two weeks ago, when the Minnesota Vikings signed free agent back Latavius Murray, general manager and honorary third Bayless brother Rick Spielman said publicly that the signing meant that Adrian Peterson will not be back with the team next season. Since then, Peterson has languished in free agency,...
Humorless Dickhole Business Writer Very Upset About March Madness Pools<em></em>
As much as we here at Deadspin like to poke fun at sportswriters and political hot-take artists, the truth is that business journalists may be the lowliest scum of all. We’re all horrified by Darren Rovell, and yet there’s only ONE of him in sports. Really, that man is just a business reporter in sp...
Knives, Ranked<em></em>
I had an annoying dream the other night where I was in an airport and missed a flight. I woke up, shook it off, and then went right back to sleep. And you know what happened? The dream CONTINUED. I shut my eyes and was right back with the fucking gate agent. You know how many times I’ve tried to kee...
Panels Are Shit
South by Southwest is going on in Austin this week and if you’ve ever been to that thing, you know that it started out as a music festival before BIG LANYARD got its paws on it and turned it into an event where brands jizz all over themselves and do NOT keep Austin weird. Since the festival’s incep...
Why Your Tourney Feel-Good Story Sucks: Northwestern
Some people are fans of the Northwestern Wildcats. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Northwestern Wildcats. This 2017 Deadspin tourney preview is for those in the latter group. This will be the only one. Don’t ask me to do the other 67 asshole teams....
What Is The Best Sporting Event To Attend While Drunk?<em></em>
Your letters:...
Get These Sports Dads Out Of My Face
LaVar Ball is the father of UCLA freshman sensation Lonzo Ball, and this week he got into a beef with Charles Barkley after Barkley goofed on him for predicting his son will be better than Steph Curry. Here’s a small snippet of Ball’s retort:...
Sports Sounds, Ranked
I was tired and sore the other day so I took a bath for the first time in, like, 20 years. It was a bad idea. There’s no way for a man my age to sit down in a bathtub without pulling eight different muscle groups. Once I finally lowered myself down, I didn’t fit in it at all. I had to do a kind of b...
The 2017 Hater’s Guide To The Oscars<em></em>
Oh God, it’s Oscar time again. Just what I needed in the middle of the fucking apocalypse. Donald Trump is President. Russia has hacked all of our phones and is actively watching us masturbate. And every public school is going to teach your kids that gay people come from the fucking moon. These are ...
24 Questions I Have About <i>The Accountant<em></em></i>
I watched The Accountant on an airplane last week because that’s the kind of movie you watch on an airplane. And even though it effectively bled two hours off the flight, I have many questions:...
I Can’t Stop Playing This Shitty iPhone Football Game<em></em>
Football season is over, which means that I am forced to fill the gaping void in my life with booze, drugs, utterly worthless draft speculation, whatever has been gathering dust on the DVR, and (oh God) family interaction. OR DO I? You fellow GAMERS like me out there (I play games on my phone, whic...
How Many Squares Of TP Do You Use Per Wipe?
Hey, it’s Valentine’s Day! They actually banned candy from valentines at my kid’s school this year. I assume this is because at least one child in the class has a deadly LOVE allergy. Regardless, the candy ban instantly rendered Valentine’s Day meaningless to every student. They’re now as indifferen...