nf Page 384 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Ass Team Of The Week: Eli Manning And The New York Giants Will Break You
The New York Giants have transformed into a tremendous keister this season, the size and proportions of which have been amply documented on this very website. If you’re a regular reader you already know what the deal is: Eli Manning is old and shitty now and the offensive line can’t protect him and ...
Even The Mighty Premier League Must Bow Before The Power Of America's Stupidest Sport
Though I am a big fan of European soccer, I am an even bigger fan of massive, gaudy manifestations of American exceptionalism. And what better display of the U.S. in all its decadence and sun-blotting self-regard than us having our biggest, dumbest sport that nobody else cares about ruin the pitch o...
Interception Machine Jameis Winston Gets Benched For Ryan Fitzpatrick<em></em>
It’s time to erase the whiteboard reading “Days Since Last Jameis Winston Turnover Party” and draw a big fat 0. The Buccaneers might have beaten the Bengals Sunday if they’d benched Winston quicker, but instead, he was allowed stick around long enough to throw four interceptions, get sacked five tim...
Adam Vinatieri Breaks NFL's All-Time Points Record, Receives Weird Congratulatory Video From Morten Andersen
Colts kicker Adam Vinatieri entered Sunday’s game against the Raiders just four points behind of Morten Andersen’s all-time points record of 2,544. After tying the record in the first quarter with a field goal and extra point, the 45-year-old veteran hit a 25-yarder near the end of the first half to...
Seahawks Ice Game With Punter’s Ballsy Fourth Down Run
The Seattle Seahawks called a unique play to ice the game against the Detroit Lions today: A nine-yard run by the punter from his own end zone on fourth and 8....
Fitzmagic (Sort Of) Returns After Jameis Winston Gets Benched For Throwing Four Interceptions
Jameis Winston was benched for Ryan Fitzpatrick today after his ass-tastic performance against the Cincinnati Bengals yielded four interceptions and five sacks in just under three quarters of playing time....
The Steelers Went Full-Rutgers And Forgot To Field This Safety Punt
Things were looking up for the Steelers about halfway through the third quarter. The Browns had committed a holding penalty in their own end zone, giving Pittsburgh two points off the safety which extended their lead to ten points. But the momentum came to a screeching halt for the black and gold wh...
Report: The Browns' Coaching Mess Might Require A Clean-Up
Failure that breeds dysfunction, which breeds potential coaching staff or front office changes. It might as well be the Cleveland Browns’ motto. That remains true even in a season in which the Browns are finally showing some signs of life. But Cleveland has lost three of its last four games, and the...
Why Didn't The Raiders See If They Could Get More For Khalil Mack?
The Raiders got a good haul for all-world pass-rusher Khalil Mack, when they traded him to the Bears just before the start of the season. But that doesn’t mean they couldn’t conceivably have gotten a better one. Now there’s a report that says they didn’t even try....
The NFL Actually Fired An Official
Outside of the confusion about roughing-the-passer calls (which falls as much on the diktat from New York as on those tasked with enforcing it), it feels like NFL officiating has generally been pretty good this year—that is to say, it’s been largely unnoticeable. Which made this blatantly missed fal...
How The Fuck Did So Many Teams Pass On Patrick Mahomes?<em></em>
Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Email Drew here. Buy his book here....
<i>Emergency Football Show Weekly</i>: The Eagles’ Super Bowl Hangover
Just a few weeks ago the Eagles were still on top of the football world. They’d won their first Super Bowl in February, and then appeared to reload in the offseason for a shot at another one. The team would be healthier, it seemed; Carson Wentz would be back. They upgraded at a few positions and did...
Let’s Remember Some Guys: 1990 Football Guys
Football in 2018 is sleek. It is about scoring and speed. The players do not want to be encumbered by extraneous protective equipment. Shoulder pads have gotten smaller and smaller, and the frontier is being pushed every day. Michael Bennett wears kicker shoulder pads....
Arbitrator Denies Eric Reid's Grievance Against The Bengals For Asking About Anthem Protests
NFL independent arbitrator Shyam Das denied a grievance filed by the NFL Players Association on behalf of Eric Reid against the Cincinnati Bengals, who reportedly asked Reid if he would continue to kneel during the national anthem in the 2018-2019 season. Reid, who now plays for the Panthers, began ...
Broncos Cut Chad Kelly After He Allegedly Trespassed And Got Hit With A Vacuum Tube
Chad Kelly’s alleged adventure into a stranger’s home Tuesday morning, which ended with him getting whacked with a vacuum tube, has cost him his job. The Denver Broncos released the sophomore quarterback today. Wow, and we call this America?...
Money Awarded To Plaintiffs In The NFL Concussion Settlement Is Evaporating
The NFL’s $1 billion class-action settlement with retired players suffering from the effects of brain trauma has yet to make life much easier for those awarded damages. A bureaucratic morass has made it nearly impossible for the ex-players and their families to navigate the settlement, and even the ...
Police: Ex-Boyfriend Shot Dead Utah Track Athlete, Then Killed Himself
University of Utah track and field athlete Lauren McCluskey was found shot dead Monday night in the backseat of a vehicle outside a campus dormitory, according to university police. The suspected shooter was 37-year-old Melvin Rowland, a man McCluskey’s family said she had recently stopped dating. R...
Did You Hear About This? The Giants Have Two Players Named Eli, And They Traded The Wrong Freakin' One!
Today, the New York Giants traded Eli ... cornerback Eli Apple, that is. Ah, did you think it’d be their once-great, now-disintegrating quarterback Eli Manning? Don’t you look like an ass, now! It was in fact their underwhelming defensive player, who’s going to the Saints for some late picks....
The NFL Broke Former Players Like Me. Here's One Way To Fix Us.
Roger Goodell is a benevolent man. Last season, while negotiating his own new salary, he demanded lifetime health insurance for himself and his family—with a wink....
Ass Team Of The Week: Sean McDermott Cooked Up The Butt Meat And Derek Anderson Is Serving It
When watching the very bad football games that I have to watch in order to write this series, I sometimes like to play a game called How Long Can They Hide The Ass? This game consists of seeing how long a team that is known and verified to be butt can play any other way before the familiar stench re...