night Page 214 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Last Night's Winner: Ozzie Guillen's Son Puts Bobby Jenks On Blast
After Jenks criticized Guillen's handling of his bullpen, Oney Guillen gave a measured response: accusing Jenks of alcoholism, marital problems and punching a clubhouse attendant....
Your "Brett Favre Is Inactive Because He's Still Lying Dead On A Frozen Field" TNF Open Thread
Pity the world won't get to see the Dog Killer vs. Dong Slinger battle of repugnance tonight but this is what happens when old men hit their heads....
Last Night's Winner: Internet Rumors Of Joe Paterno's Health As Actual News
Perhaps you've seen the email forward making the rounds. It claims that Paterno's health is completely shot, and that he's going to call it quits after the Outback Bowl. But which one of you mooks forwarded it to Sue Paterno?...
Last Night's Winner: Thundersnow And Communist China
Let us call it "Thundersnow" — a Norwegian black metal band of a winter menace, which deposited 18-20 inches of drifting white stuff across the Northeast, canceled football in Philadelphia, and emasculated America....
Last Night's Winner: True Equality In Women's Basketball
Former UConn standout and current WNBA star Diana Taurasi was suspended from her Turkish team after testing positive for a banned substance, reported to be a stimulant. This has nothing to do with Geno Auriemma. I'm sure he'll be brought up anyway....
Last Night's Winner: The Chicago Bulls Kill Christmas
From their rendition of "The Twelve Days of Christmas," we learn that everyone on the Bulls is tone deaf, and one of them might be stoned. Guess which one. Go on, guess....
Last Night's Winner: Ryan Fitzpatrick's Pro Bowl Candidacy
Players votes count for a third of Pro Bowl balloting, and Terrell Suggs's ballot counts for 1/1696th of that. But by voting for Ryan Fitzpatrick (and more relevant, leaving off Tom Brady), he's making a statement....
Last Night's Winner: The Brett Favre Miracle
The following comprises actual phrases from actual stories written about a quarterback who last night performed the miracle of transfiguring his old ass off the injured list. These are taken verbatim....
Weekend Winner: Philly, Now Better Than New York At Everything, Including Dog-Pun Headlines
This is today's New York Post cover. For the sake of comparison, this was the Philly Daily News's cover back in September. Yeah, the Post should've just punted that shit out of bounds....
Last Night's Winner: WEC Goes Out With Some Matrix-Style Shit
Most MMA organizations fade away for want of money or attention or quality, crushed under the thumb of the largest promotions. But WEC was good enough to merge with UFC, so last night it had a chance to say a face-cracking goodbye....
Last Night's Winner: Bruce Boudreau Makes Rex Ryan Look Like Mr. Rogers
Don't say you weren't warned. HBO's 24/7 Penguins/Capitals premiered last night, and we were promised profanity. Either we got it, or they accidentally put Deadwood back on the air....
Last Night's Winner: The Mystery Team
For 35 years, as long as free agency has existed in Major League Baseball, the Mystery Team has made a run at every single available player. But they'd never actually signed one until last night....
Weekend Winner: Unexpected Stadium Destructo-Porn
FOX's video of the Metrodome bubble collapsing is some of the most visually arresting footage we've seen in a long time. How did they get it? A tip that the roof was going to cave in, of course....
Last Night's Winner: This Rajon Rondo-Kevin Garnett Lob
This — from the final moments of last night's Celtics-Sixers game — might be the most perfectly run basketball play you'll see all year....
Last Night's Winner: Pat Forde's Hierarchy Of Urban Meyer's Needs
Far and away the bestest genre of sportswriting is the one in which an adult informs a stranger what he should and shouldn't be doing with his career. I give you Pat Forde on Urban Meyer:...
Last Night's Winner: Not The Jews
The Panthers had heavily hyped their Hanukkah celebrations last night, including promising a Panther yarmulke to all in attendance. Only a few thousand walked away with one. Who would have thought there would be so many Jews in South Florida?...
Weekend Winner: 70 Football Schools Not Named Temple
First, let me establish my homer credentials: I am a proud graduate of Temple University, class of '06. Now, my opinion on Temple getting shafted for a bowl game: I'm pretty OK with it....
Last Night's Winner: Arizona State Does Its Part To Embarrass The Bowl System
Thursday was your day, Sun Devils. First, your researchers define biological life as we know it. Then, more importantly, your bizarre win over Arizona (2 blocked PATs!) allows you to officially petition the NCAA to admit the bowl system is a farce....
A Former NFLer On "Laughing" Derek Anderson And The Football Robot Blowhards
On Monday, Derek Anderson was scolded for smiling on camera during the Cardinals' loss to the 49ers, leading to his "Nothing is funny to me" tirade. Ex-NFL player Nate Jackson defends his former colleague from Jon Gruden and all the rest of the "emotionally stunted football pedants."...
Last Night's Winner: A WWF-Themed Wedding, Featuring Howard Finkel
Watch this, and you might actually want to get married. Don't show it to your lady, though, or she might not want to marry you....