ow Page 703 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights

In this column, Bill Simmons presents an analogy in which the commissioner of the NBA is Simmons/a dad, general managers are small children, and basketball players are shoddily-manufactured and overpriced consumer products. A worldview has rarely been captured so well in so few words. [Grantland]...

Rory McIlroy's Errant Shot Knocks Fan Into Cactus

Rory McIlroy did one golf fan real dirty during the opening round of the Accenture match play tournament today. While hitting out of a hazard, McIlroy nailed a nearby fan with his shot. That fan then went tumbling into a cactus plant and came up with big, horrifying chunks of cactus stuck all over ...

Here Is An Article About Ray Rice That Was Written By A Post-Human

Attention journalists: If you are currently debating whether you should write something about the Ray Rice situation, just go for it. There's no way anything you write will be more ill-conceived than this....

Sage Kotsenburg Finally Gets His Olympic Medal Made Of Bacon

Winning the first gold medal of the Olympics was both a blessing and a curse for Sage Kotsenburg, America's 20-year-old slopestyle snowboard brogod. It was intense to be honored so early ("The flag is going up. You've got the medal on. And you're just tripping out."). But it was also sort of a bumme...

<em>Wall Street Journal</em> Article About Brent Celek Has Amazing Correction

The Wall Street Journal posted a story today about the offseason workout habits of Philadelphia Eagles tight end Brent Celek. It contains the following anecdote:...

High School Wrestlers Wearing Pointed Hoods Lynch Rival In Effigy

Here we have a few members of a high school wrestling team from Phillipsburg, N.J., posing for a photo that has caused quite the shit storm in the local school district....

Danica Patrick's <em>SI</em> Nipple: A Lesson In Internet Boob Etiquette [NSFW]

On January 28, Sports Illustrated's Swim Daily website posted a "Throwback Thursday" gallery featuring pictures of Danica Patrick from 2008. Buried within the gallery was an old selfie of Patrick, one that featured an unremarkable amount of nipple. The picture went unremarked upon until TMZ spotted ...

Snowboard Cross Semifinal Features Nutshot, Photo Finish

Trevor Jacob did not have a very good semifinal in today's snowboard cross competition. First, he busted his ankle. Then he suffered a dickpunch from American teammate Alex Deibold. And finally, he missed out on qualifying for the final by hundredths of a second....

Jimmy Fallon's First-Ever <em>Tonight Show</em> Features Legendary Cameo Segment

We couldn't possibly run down all the dignitaries who appear in this bit, from tonight's first episode of The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon. We'll simply note surprise at Lindsay Lohan parting with $100 for anything that doesn't come in powder form, and Joan Rivers's return to NBC after being b...

OK State Buzzer-Beater Forces OT After Steal With Three Seconds Left

Leyton Hammonds stole an inbound pass and heaved up a buzzer-beating three to tie his Oklahoma State Cowboys with Baylor in Waco....

76ers Sign High School Student With Down Syndrome To Two-Day Contract

The Philadelphia 76ers' playoff hopes this season don't exist, but the team's taking the opportunity to do something nice for a high school basketball player with Down syndrome....

Why Is The NFL Getting In Bed With Football's Infamous Troll Scout?

This afternoon, an article underneath former Pro Football Weekly senior editor Nolan Nawrocki's byline was published on NFL.com. The article is, ostensibly, a listicle detailing the "character issues" of a few top NFL draft prospects, and in its irresistible clickiness, in its eagerness to be argued...

Iowa AD: Paying Players Is Too Complicated For Me And My $450K Salary

From a piece on the Iowa and Iowa State ADs' opposition to athlete unionization comes this doozy from Iowa's Gary Barta:...

Sochi Organizers Attempt To Clear Fog With Giant Fans

Heavy fog in the mountains above Sochi caused postponements of men's biathlon and snowboard cross races today. Visibilities were near zero at times, making the shooting portion of biathlon impossible, and snowboarding downright dangerous. But let no one say organizers didn't try everything in their ...

Jeremy Schaap's Report From Sochi Was A Big Fat FRAUD

Here's ESPN's Jeremy Schaap, braving the cold night air in Sochi to bring us a live report. Good thing he's got that coat and scarf on! Hey, wait a minute ... ...

Canadian Columnist Says Ice Dancing Is Rigged

Before you get the impression that an entire nation is drowning in sour grapes, know that Rosie DiManno is Canada's worst columnist (non Sue-Ann Levy division). But even for her, this is something:...

NBC Wrings Every Last Tear Out Of Bode Miller

After winning bronze in the men's super-G, Bode Miller gave a post-race interview to NBC's Christin Cooper. She asked him about his brother, who passed away suddenly last year. He struggled through an answer. She asked him again. He began to break down, a single tear running down his cheek. She aske...

How To Make A Simple Goddamn Grilled-Cheese Sandwich

Everywhere we are gussying up our grilled-cheese sandwiches. In fancy restaurants and home kitchens and delicatessens and those insufferable quasi-fast-food joints with the accented, ambiguously Euro names and the friggin' Ray LaMontagne music on the PA and the cutesy, bottled alterna-soda in the co...

"You May Have A Hard Time Getting In Some Of The Titties..."

We all misspeak sometimes. We rarely do it in so hilarious a manner as Cleveland ABC anchor Leon Bibb. ...

We're All Fucked