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![Katie Nolan Wants To Adopt A Bench In Central Park For David Ortiz [Update]](https://images.deadspin.com/tr:w-900/ka1kkp5njbwqleuut1av.jpg)
Katie Nolan Wants To Adopt A Bench In Central Park For David Ortiz [Update]
Red Sox slugger David Ortiz will be receiving gifts from MLB teams for his farewell season—the funniest outcome would be the Yankees giving him nothing—and Katie Nolan is hoping to add to the pile. On last night’s episode of Garbage Time, Nolan shared her plan to get Big Papi a gift while simultaneo...

I Want To Marry This Tony Parker Pass
Before the final sequence of last night’s game between the Thunder and Spurs had everyone staring at their television and muttering, “What the hell just happened?” Spurs point guard Tony Parker made a play that turned me into a gross cartoon wolf....

Report: Candace Parker Left Off United States Olympic Basketball Team
Candace Parker is one of the best players in the WNBA, a two-time MVP who does cool dunks and has made the All-WNBA first or second team in every season she’s been healthy. She has also won two gold medals with the United States Olympic team, but according to a report from ESPN’s Ramona Shelburne, s...

These Korean Announcers Are Excited As Hell About Byung-ho Park's Huge Dingers
The Twins lost the first nine games of the regular season, then won four in a row, and finally lost again today to the Brewers. Their scoring has (obviously) increased greatly during their run of newfound competence, and their rookie first baseman Byung-ho Park has been at the center of it all. He’s...

Classic Ballpark Food, Ranked
Classic is the key word here. These days, you can probably get sushi at Yankee Stadium, and ballparks take particular pride in their unique offerings—as they well should. If you go to Citizens Bank Park to watch the Phillies lose and don’t get the Chickie’s and Pete’s Crab Fries, you’ve made a mista...

Baseball Is Back And Thank Fucking God
At last, the death-gods have released their cold, icy grip on the United States; the trees are green, the birds are singing, and our greatest sport has returned. While there’s just too much to keep track of in terms of who’s where and what’s what and who’s going to do what and such—FiveThirtyEight, ...

The Deranged True Story Of <i>Heavy Metal Parking Lot</i>, The <i>Citizen Kane</i> Of Wasted Teenage Metalness
Suburban dirtballs of the 1980s are a lost culture, worthy of academic study, that disappeared abruptly, leaving mysterious artifacts for future generations to work over. Think of them as, say, the ancient Mayans, only with mullets....

Jabari Parker And An Amazon River Turtle Are Best Friends
It’s been a rough adjustment for the Milwaukee Bucks’ Jabari Parker. Last year’s #2 pick tore his ACL early in his rookie season, and he’s still working on finding his stride. Every young player needs some time to get used to NBA life, and OnMilwaukee.com caught up with him and found out that a near...

Irish Hurlers Play Game In Fenway Park, Have A Big Ol' Brawl
Hurling is an Irish sport that is similar to field hockey, and because the people of Boston love Irish Shit, the teams from Galway and Dublin decided to have themselves a match in Fenway Park. And then they got to fightin’!...

The Nationals' 2016 Calendar Has Fenway Park On The Cover
This picture is clearly Fenway Park, right? It may be covered in a giant American flag, but the big-ass wall in left field is a pretty big hint. It apparently was not a big enough hint for the company in charge of printing the Washington Nationals’ 2016 calendar:...

Fight In Cowboys Parking Lot Ends In Shooting, Victim Flown To Hospital
A fight in the Cowboys stadium parking lot after their 30-6 loss to the Patriots tonight ended in a shooting, with the victim flown to the hospital and the suspected shooter arrested by police. Per Ft. Worth Star-Telegram Cowboys beat reporter Clarence Hill, the victim was shot in the head and is in...

Nationals Cannot Stop Beating Selves, Allow Inside-The-Park Grand Slam
The Nationals really have no one to blame but themselves for probably losing their way out of a chance at the playoffs, and this play from tonight’s game against the 57-96 Phillies is a great example. Here’s Aaron Altherr driving home all three baserunners and himself thanks to a misplayed ball by M...

Is A Parking Garage Really Not Liable If My Car Gets Damaged Or Stolen?
Welcome back to Ask a Lawyer, where I, a lawyer, respond to your questions. Got a vexing legal issue? Send it over, or drop it in the comments below. Today’s query:...

Hot Dog Eats Hot Dog
An Atlanta-area hot dog committed an act of cannibalism at today’s Bark in the Park event at Turner Field. You may remember a different dog at a different Bark in the Park who also wanted a hot dog. Unlike that unfortunate pup, our friend here succeeded. Good for him. ...

<i>South Park</i> Accurately Sums Up Ballghazi In A Cartman Dream Sequence
As you knew it would, South Park took on Ballghazi in tonight’s 19th season premiere. Cartman sums up the eight months spent investigating, millions of dollars, and god knows how many hours talking about whether Tom Brady ordered a small amount of air be removed from footballs in an appropriately so...

America Has Lost The War Against Guns
Yesterday morning in Roanoke, Va., a man named Vester Lee Flanagan walked up to newscaster Alison Parker and cameraman Adam Ward as they were filming a segment for local TV station WDBJ, and, using a handgun, shot them to death. (He also critically wounded Vicki Gardner, the woman Parker and Ward we...

Dog Wants Hot Dog
Boy, that dog looks like it could use a half-eaten hot dog—or literally any unattended food—right now. Unfortunately for the pup, its owner didn’t relinquish the snack. Sorry, dog. Eat your own chow....

Dog At Marlins Park: "Grrrr"
The dogs were all over Marlins Park Sunday for the team’s Bark in the Park event. A couple of pooches were even interviewed. One dog named Lemon, who belonged to Fox Sports Florida reporter Jessica Blaylock, was not thrilled about Craig Minervini’s microphone in her face....


What Could Possibly Happen In Another <i>Jurassic World</i> Movie?
In June 2018, Universal is scraping what is left of the amber-preserved DNA to give life to another Jurassic Park movie. Both Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard will resume their roles in what is technically a sequel to this summer’s Jurassic World. None of this is bad news. It’s not even exactly s...