pe Page 634 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Here Is The Most Predictably Depressing Part Of A Predictably Depressing Fight (So Far)
Okay, so, on Saturday night in Las Vegas, Manny Pacquiao—a semi-washed 40-year-old homophobe and ally of a murderous dictator—will fight Adrien Broner—a somehow-even-more-washed occasional creep and an all-the-time dick. Broner was supposed to be the next big thing, but instead he’s lost and drawn h...
Australian Open Match Delayed Past Midnight Due To Bad Scheduling, Bird Poop
The Australian Open has been criticized in the past (even as recently as this week) for its haphazard scheduling, both for heat and for match congestion, and Thursday’s slate of games added another point of evidence to the growing list of reasons why the first Grand Slam of the year needs a bit of a...
Rolling Pelicans Roasted By Steph Curry's Spontaneous Combustion
The Pelicans came into the second half Wednesday night up five over the Warriors, and quickly added to the lead until it got as big as 16 points. The Pelicans are a fun and surprisingly tough matchup for the Warriors, and they appeared to have the game firmly in their grasp with 4:49 left in the th...
Woman Who Coaches Men's Soccer Team Responds To Sexist Question: "I Pick My Team On Dick Length"
In late December, German soccer club BV Cloppenburg handed the reins of their fifth-division men’s team to Imke Wübbenhorst, making her the first woman to coach a German men’s team at that high of a level. You could probably imagine some of the moronic questions Wübbenhorst has had to field in light...
Frances Tiafoe Mixed It Up And Got The Biggest Win Of His Career
A tennis player who is down a set and 0-3 against a huge-serving top-five seed at a Grand Slam is typically cooked. Frances Tiafoe is the most intriguing men’s American tennis prospect alive at the moment, but when staring down that deficit against South Africa’s Kevin Anderson he looked about as de...
Would You Let Alex Ovechkin Bite You?
A new start-up called Ambrosia, profiled today in Business Insider, is offering olds the opportunity to fill their veins with young people’s blood, which provides vague and questionable benefits for the vampiric elderly. At current prices, one liter of youthful blood will run you $8,000, while two l...
So, What's Really Happening Between Colin Kaepernick And Travis Scott?
During the Chargers-Patriots ass-beating on Sunday, the NFL officially announced what had been rumored for months: the Super Bowl XLIII halftime show will feature Maroon 5 as headliners, with supporting slots from Travis Scott and, in what amounted to the only surprising bit of the announcement, Out...
Report: Turkish Authorities Are Trying To Get Enes Kanter Arrested
According to a report from the Daily Sabah, the Istanbul Chief Prosecutor’s Office has filed an international arrest warrant for Knicks center Enes Kanter on charges of supporting a terrorist organization. The “terrorist” activities in question refer to Kanter’s longstanding and outspoken support fo...
Practically All The Australian Tennis Men Have Been Dragged Into Bernard Tomic's Beef
The tennis world down under has been roiled by beef. Former Australian great Lleyton Hewitt now captains his country’s Davis Cup team, but he isn’t very popular among his young charges, if you take the word of Bernard Tomic, the prickly 26-year-old who was long ago one of Australia’s brightest prosp...
Can Somebody Besides The White Sox Please Give Manny Machado An Offer?
MLB’s slow trudge towards the signing of top free agents Manny Machado and Bryce Harper may at last possibly be nearing a conclusion. It also may not be! But at the very least the speculation concerning those two stars’ final destinations seems to have narrowed dramatically. Unless any of the ubiqui...
Serena Williams Returns With A Humane Butchering At The Australian Open
Serena Williams played her first tour match since a messy U.S. Open championship loss to Naomi Osaka last September, and had very different results. Today in the first round at the Australian Open, she slaughtered world No. 73 Tatjana Maria 6-0, 6-2....
James Harden Has Reached His Final Form
James Harden is no longer a basketball player. He is a thought experiment turned to life, an answer to the question of what happens when one team gives itself over completely to a hyper-efficient death machine....
One Extremely Pretty Bucket From Anthony Davis's 46-Point Game
Understandably, James Harden’s 57-point detonation of the Memphis Grizzlies and the Boston Celtics’ ongoing weirdness were the main stories of last night’s NBA action. In the background, though, Anthony Davis went off on the Clippers, dumping 46 points, 16 rebounds, 4 assists, 3 steals, and a block ...
Robin Lopez Is Trapped In Basketball Hell
Robin Lopez is having a bad time. The Bulls are awful, and are presently mired in a seven-game losing streak, with two games left on their current Western Conference road trip. To add insult to injury, this week head coach Jim Boylen told Lopez he’d be seeing fewer minutes of court time as the team ...
The Logical Endpoint Of Bite-Sized Basketball Hype Videos Is Julian Newman
Meet Julian Newman. Or maybe you’ve already met Julian Newman, even if you don’t know him by name. There was that credulous New York Times piece written in 2013, when Newman was just 11 years old and 4-foot-5, and playing for the varsity team, as well as a Tampa Bay Times piece a year later, which t...
The MLS SuperDraft Is An Embarrassing Relic
The 2019 edition of the MLS SuperDraft took place on Friday (rounds one and two, in Chicago) and Monday (rounds three and four, on a conference call), and it was another illustration of why it is ridiculous that the league even has a draft at all....
Who Knew It Would Take Jay Paterno To Convince Me That The Saudi Monarchy Is Good And Cool
“Caravans of progress take time to cross a desert of resistance,” wrote Jay Paterno in an op-ed for Arab News yesterday. The self-professed “consultant on politics, leadership, crisis communications and public relations” has a lot to teach us, it turns out. Folks, I’ve harbored a personal “desert of...
Andy Murray Might Be Done In Australia After Grinding Five-Set Loss
Andy Murray will not quit the majors without another characteristically nasty fight. His last French Open: five brutal sets before Stan Wawrinka put him to rest. His last Wimbledon: five more sets of agony with his hip all out of sorts. Today at the Australian Open—which, given his retirement announ...
Baseball Doesn't Need Collusion To Turn Off The Hot Stove
The baseball panic is rising. With every additional day that Bryce Harper and Manny Machado go unsigned—and Dallas Keuchel and Mike Moustakas and A.J. Pollock and Craig Kimbrel—the drumbeat strengthens: Something is wrong here. After all, as has been pointed out here, every team could use a Manny Ma...