pe Page 672 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
UCF Completes 13-0 Season
With a 34-27 win over Auburn in the Peach Bowl, the UCF Knights confirmed their status as the only undefeated team in this season of college football, improving to 13-0 in head coach Scott Frost’s final game before leaving for Nebraska. ...
What Horrible Things Did We Do To Our Penises Last Year?<em></em>
If Christmas is all about putting stuff up butts, New Year’s Day is the day to read about the many methods of absolute destruction of America’s dick and balls, and to be thankful it wasn’t you. Unless it was....
Anthony Davis Turned Ron Baker Into Flying Shrapnel
The Knicks narrowly prevailed over the Pelicans last night in New Orleans, but not without great sacrifice. Ron Baker, blue-collar reserve guard, fell in the line of duty attempting a foolhardy contest of a driving Anthony Davis dunk:...
Kentavious Caldwell-Pope Wildly Overestimates His Improvisational Skills
Here is Lakers guard Kentavious Caldwell-Pope, boldly and tragically attempting the old off-the-backboard self-assist during last night’s loss to the Clippers:...
Bixby School District Superintendent Resigns Amid High School Football Rape Case
Three months after a 16-year-old boy in Oklahoma was allegedly raped with a pool cue by his Bixby High School football teammates at the superintendent’s home during a team function, the school board’s only “disciplinary action” so far has been to accept the resignation of the superintendent, Kyle Wo...
Over 3,300 Pennsylvanians Requested A Permit To Eat Roadkill In 2017
Pennsylvania has a lot of deer. It also has a lot of people. Often times, those people hit those deer with their cars. Pennsylvania drivers have a 1-in-63 chance of hitting a deer, according to the most recent analysis by State Farm. Only West Virginians and Montanans hit more deer. (Hawaiians were ...
Penn Scores 100 Points, Wins Fans Free Cheesesteaks
Penn achieved culinary satisfaction last night....
Giants Suspend Eli Apple For "Detrimental" Behavior <em></em>
Giants cornerback Eli Apple has been suspended for the final week of the season for “detrimental” behavior, according to a statement released by the team today....
Bad Quarterback Performance Of The Week: Brett Hundley Brought Bagels
Welcome to Bad Quarterback Performance Of The Week, a recurring feature in which we celebrate the worst quarterback play the NFL has to offer....
What Did We Get Stuck In Our Rectums Last Year?
If it’s Christmas, it must be time to learn what America shoved inside itself. The only worthwhile holiday tradition pushes on....
Eggnog's Better In A Cup Than On A Carpet
‘Tis the season to get messy....
Delightful Goof Austin Rivers Went Off Last Night, Baby!
The Clippers won in Houston Friday night. In just about any of the last 10 NBA regular seasons, that result would not register as anything especially noteworthy. In this one, with the Rockets coming into the game holding the NBA’s best record and the Clippers sagging towards a lottery appearance and...
Bless This Oafish Koch Heir And His Hideous Shirts
Because it is so cruel and so stupid, so petty and also so astonishingly vast, it is difficult to fully get a handle on the $1.5 trillion tax bill that the Republicans pushed through the House and Senate on Wednesday. A disconcerting number of little fees and insults in the bill are only now becomin...
The Penguins Do <i>A Christmas Story</i>
Every year, the Pittsburgh Penguins put out their own version of a holiday classic. This year it’s A Christmas Story, and I hadn’t realized this until now but the holiday season can’t officially begin until you’ve seen Kris Letang admiring himself in a bunny suit while Phil Kessel moans, “He looks l...
Kentavious Caldwell-Pope Is Playing For The Lakers While Serving Jail Time
Back in June, while he was still a Piston, Lakers guard Kentavious Caldwell-Pope was sentenced to 12 months probation by a Michigan judge when he pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor of allowing a person to operate his vehicle under the influence. He reportedly violated that probation over the summer for...
Enes Kanter On Turkey Seeking Four-Year Prison Sentence For Him: "That's It?"
The Turkish government is seeking a four-year prison sentence for New York Knicks center Enes Kanter for insulting president Recep Tayyip Erdogan on Twitter last year, according to an ESPN report on information from a state-run news agency in Turkey....
Mark Wahlberg Says He Left Super Bowl LI Early Because His Son Was Swearing And Losing It
Actor and Dorchester lunk Mark Wahlberg was at Super Bowl LI between the Patriots and Falcons, but he left before the game was over, with New England facing a deficit. Wahlberg caught shit for being a frontrunner, then said that the reason he’d departed was because his son wasn’t feeling well. That ...
Bad Quarterback Performance Of The Week: Andy Dalton Plays Football
Welcome to Bad Quarterback Performance Of The Week, a recurring feature in which we celebrate the worst quarterback play the NFL has to offer....
Rangers Pitcher Martin Perez Says He Broke His Elbow Because A Bull Scared Him
Texas Rangers starting pitcher Martin Perez had surgery yesterday to repair a fracture in his right (non-pitching) elbow on Monday. Perez needed it, team GM Jon Daniels said, because he was startled by a bull on his ranch in Venezuela....