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Michael Jordan's Trainer Says He Could Average 20 A Night If He Came Back

Every morning, the fine folks at Sports Radio Interviews sift through the a.m. drive-time chatter to bring you the best interviews with coaches, players, and personalities across the sports landscape. Today: It's not true, but he can say what he wants....

The Only Reason We Know Roger Goodell's Absurd Salary Is That The NFL Is Structured As A Non-Profit To Avoid Taxes

Yesterday, we mentioned that Roger Goodell's salary jump from two years ago had been released to the public via the NFL's public tax return, filed at the end of this week. His salary increased from roughly $11.6 million in 2010 to a take-home of $29.49 million in 2011, much of it in bonuses for unkn...

Dear Internet: You Are Not Doing The Harlem Shake

One thing we can always count on to make the internet a slightly more horrible place is viral dance videos. It's a remarkably dependable feature of the web. For the past few weeks that viral dance video has been the "Harlem Shake," in which a single person does a dance move that is not the actual "...

Boxing's Great White Hope Problem; Or, Why The Fuck Was Mike Lee In A Super Bowl Commercial?

During last night's Super Bowl, one professional boxer appeared in a commercial. It was not Floyd Mayweather, and it was not Manny Pacquiao, though they are the two highest-earning athletes in all of sports. It was not any champion of any weight division at all. It was Mike Lee, a mediocre light hea...

Remembering Up With People: The Gayish Quasi-Cult That Invented The Super Bowl Halftime Show

Originally published in Bloomberg View...

Tom Brady's New House Literally Has A Moat

Above, Tom Brady's new $20 million California home, which, besides being sunken into what looks like an un-traversable valley, also has a moat—literally, a moat. You can't really see it from the above angle because the massive house is blocking our view, but here's another view, where you can the m...

Delmon Young Can Earn $600,000 In Bonus Money By Not Being A Fat Mess

On Tuesday, the Philadelphia Phillies signed Delmon Young, noted anti-semite and worst player to ever win the ALCS MVP, to a one-year, $750,000 contract. Today, we learned that Young's contract has one very peculiar stipulation. From the AP:...

Rich Golfer Phil Mickelson Is Going To Take "Drastic" Action To Escape His Imaginary Tax Burden

This past weekend, wealthy golfer Phil Mickelson took some time during a press conference to express his displeasure with the current federal and state tax codes. Like Gerard Depardieu, Mickelson finds the burden of being a multi-multimillionaire in a confiscatory socialist political system too muc...

Dick Vitale Would Like To Know Whether "The Young Guy With The Wheelchair" That Stormed The Court At NC State Is OK [UPDATE: He Is]

NC State upset Duke today 84-76, bringing to a close Duke's undefeated run and perhaps ruining their number one ranking, but who cares, because this happened at the end of the game: A young man in wheelchair zoomed out on to the court with the rest of crowd to celebrate the win, and Dick Vitale ha...

Baseball Writers Would Like You To Know That Filling Out A Hall Of Fame Ballot Is Super Hard

The Baseball Hall of Fame vote is released at 2 p.m. today, but why wait that long to treat yourself to the collective moral grandstanding of the world's baseball writers? We've already got their "I filled out my ballot like this, because I must do what is right" columns—each very special one a remi...

Why Are The Lakers So Flat? Kobe: "Because We're Old As Shit."

Older teams have run the same strategy for years to deal with the NBA's 82-game grind: go through the motions in the regular season, make sure you're healthy and rested for the spring. But these Lakers, built to win in the postseason, wouldn't even be in the playoffs if they started today. They're 1...

The Public Humiliation Diet: A How-To

Originally published May 24, 2010....

This Guy Died In 2012: Lonesome George, The Last Of His Kind

What's your greatest fear? There's a very good chance you said "dying alone," because that's pretty much the worst way to end a life. No legacy, no testament to the things you've accomplished, no hope that anything you've done will outlive you. Very few of us die as alone as Lonesome George, who pas...

This Guy Died In 2012: Norman Sas, The Brains (Bzzz) Behind (Bzzz) Electric (Bzzz) Football

Before fantasy football, before Madden NFL, before even Tecmo Bowl, there was Electric Football, the wonderfully aggravating tabletop game that sent players scurrying aimlessly (so it seemed) about a miniature metal field. Powered by a small motor—and subject only to the whims of metallic vibration—...

What Did We Get Stuck In Our Rectums Last Year?

As in past years, the Sun Sentinel has created a searchable database of emergency room visits around the country. And as in past years, we have trolled the data for the finest examples of insertions showcasing extraordinarily bad luck and/or ingenuity. ...

The Miami Heat Minority Owner Who Sued Google Because Of This Derpy Photo Is A Dick

The mug you see there belongs to Raanan Katz, minority owner of the Miami Heat, former Israeli basketball player, and real estate developer in Sunny Isles, Fla. He's into silly faces and frivolous lawsuits, and somehow he just got a court in Florida to walk all over the First Amendment....

Top Basketball Recruit Jabari Parker Is Ideal For BYU, But BYU Isn't Ideal For Him (Or For Any Black Athlete)

This has been a breakthrough year for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Mitt Romney captured the Republican presidential nomination. Manti Te'o led the Notre Dame football team to an undefeated regular season and a No. 1 ranking. And now the nation's top basketball prospect, Jabari Al...

The Redskins Were So Excited That Donald Trump Praised RGIII That They Slapped It On Their Facebook Page

So, everything about this is just powerfully loathsome: Trump's face, the fact that the Redskins are so historically starved for praise that they consider an endorsement from a vitamin-selling pyramid-schemer an important plug, and, oh, right, "You're hired." I think the Redskins just found the only...

College basketball player is old....

Charlie Batch Used To Hand Off To Barry Sanders, That's How Damned Old He Is

Ed Reed threw some shade at Charlie Batch, who was far from elite but at least outplayed Joe Flacco in the Steelers' win in Baltimore. But no one was expecting greatness. Batch just gave more of what he's offered these past 10 years as Pittsburgh's backup (or third-string) quarterback: a steady, c...