rants Page 6 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Foodies Claim Non-Artisanal Flour Is Poisoning You
For centuries, man has suffered under the unyielding tyranny of the automated mill and its proponents, who have consigned him to flavorless, unethical, and possibly poisonous baked goods. At last salvation is at hand, though, through the good offices of the artisanal food movement!...
The Internet Has A “Problem” Problem
Hey, you saw "Too Many Cooks," right? That batshit-insane, 11-minute Adult Swim video that lampoons the opening credits of old network sitcoms (or current Disney Channel sitcoms, if you've ever been forced to watch one)? It was funny, right? LOL THE '80S WERE SO DUMB. I know I enjoyed it. ...
Candy Corn Is Garbage
Many people like candy corn, such as hobos, serial murderers, and Satan. But actually, candy corn is terrible. If you give it out to trick-or-treating children this evening, you belong in fucking prison....
Jimbo Fisher Is A Whimpering Penis
Florida State is ranked second overall in the College Football Playoff committee's current rankings, which are determined by a complex mix of computer algorithms and schedule analysis and praying to a magic goldfish for spiritual guidance. And if you're like me, you're hoping that Florida State los...
My Friends, It Is Time To Send Brooklyn Beneath The Waves
One of the challenges of writing about things on the internet is having the discipline to contain yourself, for the sake of being able to call an item of work finished instead of knitting it into some mammoth all-encompassing rant about, like, American culture or capitalism or the human condition or...
Reviewer Jump-Kicks Macho Steakhouse's Dick And Balls Into The Sun
Beast is a self-consciously primal London steak-and-crab restaurant, all ludicrously oversized tables and steaks and crab legs and prices, presented gravely as though in mourning of the fallen at Helm's Deep; a display of such over-the-top machismo that even Vladimir Putin rolls his eyes at it when ...
Down With Cutesy Cleaning Supplies
I didn't even want to buy the hedgehog dryer balls in the first place....
Crowd-Funded Brewery Campaigns Are Bullshit
Crowd-funding is a great hustle. Remember a couple weeks ago when some dude threatened not to make potato salad unless we bought him a solid-gold pony with diamonds for eyes, and we actually went for it? Of course, many professional bloviators saw this as the exact moment when society’s collecti...
The Hater’s Guide To Derek Jeter
I missed the All-Jeter Game last night but I’m told it was an emotional Jeterball game in which Derek Jeter jetered a few hits and saved 12 babies that fell from the stands and mowed the outfield so that you could see a crucifix pattern in the grass. There was also a small Jeterversy in which Adam ...
Dan Le Batard Savages The Pacers And All Of Indiana In His Latest Rant
We've long been fans of Dan Le Batard's rants, which he chooses to unleash whenever the Miami Heat have finished conquering a rival team or city. This year, Le Batard set his sights on the Pacers and the entire state of Indiana, spending nearly 10 minutes gloating over the Heat winning the Eastern ...
Fuck Chipotle
Everyone's rightfully goofing on Chipotle today for unveiling a line of cups and bags featuring insta-literature from the likes of Toni Morrison and George Saunders. Now, I have no issue with restaurant chains scrawling stuff on their packaging. Cook Out could post entire passages from Leviticus o...
Michael Sam Is Doing A Reality Show, And That Sucks
So Michael Sam has a reality show now, and I'm just gonna go ahead and align myself with the HOT TAKES crowd and say that Sam just pissed away a whole lot of the goodwill he'd built up for himself these past few months. They can class up the announcement all they like. They can call it a "document...
Down With Runway Food
I was watching an episode of Anthony Bourdain: Parts Unknown recently, and he was in Vegas at a fancy José Andrés restaurant-within-a-restaurant that had roughly two and a half seats and likely charged hundreds upon hundreds of dollars for a single meal. Bourdain was presented with an "egg" that wa...
Facebook Is Dead
I don't use Facebook much anymore, because anyone with a brain knows that Facebook is terrible. Apart from the long-standing complaints about privacy and insufferable people posting pictures of their own feet from a fucking beach, it's really only useful as a one-time thing. You make your account....
Mary Carillo Explains Her Amazing Badminton Rant
This morning, we posted NBC anchor Mary Carillo's 2004 rant about badminton because we had never seen it before and we wanted to share it with the world. Carillo just wrote an email to us, explaining how that monologue made it on the air:...
Let's Relive Mary Carillo's Great American Badminton Rant
If you've watched any of NBC's Olympic coverage, you've probably found yourself enjoying the work of Mary Carillo, whose woman-on-the-scene reports are one of the more enjoyable parts of the network's coverage of the games. But Carillo's never been better than she was at the 2004 summer games, when...
Fuck You, "You Sexy Thing"
There were a lot of shitty Super Bowl ads last night. Spending $4 million on an ad means that most companies and ad agencies are too scared to allow one person to have a single vision of what the ad should be, and thus you get a 30 second gangbang of styles of tones and terrible jokes and unwanted ...
Braised Boneless Short Ribs And A Chat With L'Artusi's Erin Shambura
A few years ago my wife and I were introduced to L'Artusi, an Italian place down on West 10th street in the Village. We rarely have the chance to dine out, but we've been back to L'Artusi a dozen times since that introduction. We feel welcome there—it's a place that makes us happy. The environment ...
SIU Coach Blasts "Mama's Boys" Players In Exquisite Rant
After Southern Illinois's 73-65 loss at Murray State last night, Salukis coach Barry Hinson tore into his team with a six-minute rant that's right up there with history's best. Give a listen:...
