red Page 344 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
So, Is There Really Any Chance The Red Sox Would Take A Chance On Bonds?
So, David Ortiz could be out for a while. Would the Red Sox dare ... could they ... oh heavens ... they have to consider it, don't they ... could they be considering Barry Bonds? The Red Sox, even though Bonds has called the city racist, seem to be keeping it in mind....
Chase Utley Is The Most Interesting Man In The World
Chase Utley is lighter than air, can charm the birds out of the trees and never forgets your birthday. His blood smells like cologne. He also makes diving, backhanded catches, has hit 21 home runs, will run into the catcher full tilt and is not opposed to bunting his way on base. On Monday, his hero...
Sykora Calls His Shot
The NHL Closer is written by five insomniacs from Melt Your Face Off. We blame overtime hockey and copious amounts of caffeine for our condition. Raskolnikov downed two cases of Mountain Dew to recapitulate last night's epic thriller....
MLB.tv Ignores The Existence Of Barry Bonds And Sammy Sosa
Ken Griffey Jr. wasn't able to hit his 600th homer yesterday, depriving the Great American Ballpark fans from the opportunity to see the milestone. (And then see Griffey get traded.) The Reds now take off on an eight-game road trip, and you'd have to think Griffey's gonna hit at least one over those...
Your Monday Update On The Player Who Was Traded For Bats
No matter what John Odom does from here on out — make it to the majors; get multiple World Series rings; become Pope — he will always be remembered as the player who was traded for bats. It happened last week, as Odom was sent from the Calgary Vipers of the Golden League to the Laredo Broncos of the...
As If The World Doesn't Hate Americans Enough Already
We start off your work week with a shocking, disturbing video that proves that American-Sino relations are potentially in the worst state since the Red Scare. We've got people over there on their Great Wall … converting people the Red Sox Nation....
Enterprising Red Wings Fan Finds Clever Way To Give The Penguins More Money
19-year-old Zach Smith, native of Cleveland but lover of the Red Wings, devised an ingenious scheme that would not only allow him to throw an octopus on the ice of Mellon Arena last night before Game 4 but still be able to watch the game after he got tossed. His very canny, super savvy plan: buy an...
Manny's 500th Homer Inspires Bouts Of Tumbling
If you don't properly fumigate for Red Sox fans, they'll show up in droves at your stadium. Take cautionary measures, people. That was the case last night at Camden Yards, as the vermin all packed in for a chance to see Manny Ramirez's 500th homaaaahhh. And the high-fivin' one came through. One guy ...
If R. Kelly Should Be On Trial For Anything, It's Inspiring This
The MERKIN mercilessly turns out attention to this spoof of R. Kelly's "Ignition" honoring the Red Wings' Henrik Zetterberg. Does this mean he pees on girls, too? ...
From Cheerleader To Puck Bunny
NHL.com wises up, hires former Texans cheerleader to...something something cheerleader. [Japers' Rink]...
Red Auerbach, Early Anti-Flopping Advocate
Big kudos to Bullets Forever for discovering this suddenly topical clip of Red Auerbach extolling the evils of flopping. You tell 'em, Red....
Ice Hockey At Wrigley Field: The End Times Are Here
If you think it would be fun to see Chicago fans reach onto the field of play and try to interfere with a puck instead of a baseball for a change, then you're in luck. The NHL's second Outdoor Winter Classic game will pit the Chicago Blackhawks against the Detroit Red Wings at Wrigley Field, accordi...
Julian Tavarez, Still Crazy, Still Losing Stuff
Next month, we'll be heading to Fenway Park to see our Cardinals play the Red Sox. We've been trying to calm our parents down; they're a little afraid Boston fans will come after them for wearing Cardinals garb. We don't think so. Cardinals fans and Red Sox fans have always gotten along well, thanks...
Mellon Arena: The Final Frontier
The NHL Closer is written by the five Star Trek: The Next Generation enthusiasts from Melt Your Face Off. When not attending conventions, they can be found in their makeshift Holodeck, where they practice putting the moves on a virtual Counselor Troi. Set your phasers to stun, Deadspinners, because ...
Brucemania Energizes A Weary Nation
The only thing we really know about Jay Bruce so far: He likes enormous hats. Look at that thing. You could keep your wallet and keys in there. But other than that he's just about perfect; at least according to Reds' fans. It's Brucemania! Here's how firmly it's taken hold on Day One: Reds bloggers ...
Kristen Bell Would Do Naughty Things To Chris Osgood
I've had that dream again: Elle Bishop from the TV show Heroes is taking a sponge bath in the Stanley Cup. What does it mean? Actually, it's based in truth: Actress Kristen Bell is a big fan of the Detroit Red Wings — specifically of Chris Osgood — and would also like to get some time alone with the...
The Stanley Cup Finals Mule Variations
The NHL Closer is written by five octopi from Melt Your Face Off. When Al Sobotka isn't twirling us over his head, we're served with pickled ginger, green onion and mayonnaise in takoyaki. Raskolnikov emptied his ink sacs to write a recap of last night's action....
You Mean The Speed-Up Rules Began THIS Weekend?
Hopefully you caught wind of Major League Baseball's new directive to enforce rules that speed up the game, if from no other source, from Jim Leyland's awesome rant. But apparently the Red Sox didn't get the memo. Correction: they read it, they just didn't read it....
Beckett And Boston Get ________ed
Justin Duchscherer was joking around before his start against the Boston Red Sox: ''I said, 'Those guys don't want none of me today 'cuz I'm going to pull a Lester on 'em,'' Duchscherer recalled with a grin. ''In the sixth inning, I was thinking, 'Did I really say that before the game?' '' Yes, Just...
Who Wants A Trophy-Shaped Cup? (Cup-Shaped Trophy?)
There once was a man by the name of Stanley, who decided that average trophies were not good enough for hockey teams, so he went and sculpted a cup based on a napkin drawing by Nigel Tufnel. The trophy was supposed to be 35 feet tall, but he got his inches and feet mixed up....