scream Page 129 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Scenes From The USWNT's Victory Parade
Earlier today, the world champion U.S. women’s national soccer team was fêted with a ticker-tape parade up Broadway and presented with the keys to the city in a ceremony at City Hall. It was the 206th parade up the “Canyon of Heroes” in New York’s history (full list here), and the crowd might’ve ske...
Goalkeeper Just Throws The Ball Into His Own Net
Your first impulse after watching this debacle is probably to cry “Match fixing!” but to paraphrase an old saying, never attribute to corruption that which can be adequately explained by ineptitude. Throw it or hold it, don’t try to do both at once....
A Different Kind Of Party At The Women's World Cup
In May I was at a bar in Portland, Ore., with two of my brothers, watching the U.S. women’s national soccer team play the first of a series of pre-World Cup tune-ups. At first, we were the only people there—it was Mother’s Day, around brunchtime. A little after halftime, an older couple sat down at ...
MLS Will Ride The USWNT's Coattails By Having Floats In Victory Parade
If the TV ratings for the USWNT’s obliteration of Japan in the 2015 Women’s World Cup final—it was the most-watched soccer game in U.S. history—stood for anything, it’s that Americans will support the sporting greatness of our own unreservedly. Unfortunately, the vultures in charge of the inferior s...
FIFA Bans Chuck Blazer For Life
Chuck Blazer—the former FIFA exco member and CONCACAF general secretary who proved that Americans can be just as venal as any other soccer executive, but whose cooperation with the feds helped lead to May’s arrests and indictments—has been banned for life, effective immediately....
MLS Invents New Rule To Help Big-Market Teams
Traversing MLS’s ever-shifting labyrinth of player transaction rules has always been nigh-impossible. And somehow or other, now the league has sprouted yet another alleyway to get lost in. Luckily, no matter how winding the path is, you always wind up in the same place: whatever’s best for the big-c...
Cristiano Ronaldo Has A Great Time Getting Felt Up On Japanese TV
They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Apparently the aphorism applies a little differently to cyborgs. New evidence shows that a finger or five on Cristiano Ronaldo’s laser-cut abs turns him into a giggling schoolborg who will love you forever....
Clint Dempsey Has Something To Prove
The USMNT’s Gold Cup opener was their first competitive match since the World Cup, and in the broadest sense, it’s all about the next one. Jurgen Klinsmann has said repeatedly how 2015 is a year of “transition” for the roster—reloading, getting younger, starting up the position battles that will pla...
Ronaldo Shills Bullshit Workout Contraption In Ridiculous Commercial
I’m not saying Cristiano Ronaldo is a cyborg, and if he is he’s probably a benevolent one, but if this wild commercial for some weird, obviously scammy Japanese “exercise gear” isn’t really a behind-the-scenes look at Ronaldo’s morning boot-up process, I’ll buy this stuff and have a six pack in no t...
Micronesian National Team Concedes 114 Goals In 3 Games
The Federated States of Micronesia have an international soccer team that is ranked 200 in the world by FIFA. The team entered this year’s Pacific Games in an attempt to qualify for the 2016 Olympics. Things did not go so well!...
Ronaldo Returns Lost Phone, Treats Owner And Her Friends To A Night Out
Cristiano Ronaldo is famous for his many, many goals and the selfish way he goes about scoring them. However, the forward is apparently more than willing to lend a helping hand to a random stranger in Las Vegas, finding a woman’s phone, returning it to her, and taking her and her friends on a night ...
A Brief History Of Gonzalo Higuaín Being A Choke Artist
Just when we thought Lionel Messi would finally end Argentina’s trophy drought and in the process get those dumb doubters from his native homeland off his back for good this weekend, Gonzalo Higuaín went ahead and shat the bed. Since we can’t sing the G.O.A.T.’s praises today, let’s at least take so...
Andrea Pirlo Is Getting PAID In MLS
Despite doling out reams of cash to players like David Villa and Frank Lampard, MLS debutantes NYCFC hadn’t yet snared that big-name, face-of-the-franchise type player you knew they wanted. Until today, that is, when they consummated a months-long flirtation by making Andrea Pirlo the highest-paid p...
For 16 Minutes, Carli Lloyd Was The Greatest Player Of All Time
From the start, it felt like the fate of the United States women’s national team hinged not on talent or tactics or even luck, but on the answers to a series of open questions. Can Alex Morgan get healthy in time to contribute? What do we do with Christen Press and Sydney Leroux? What happens when w...
Videos: Fans React To USA World Cup Win
It’s becoming something of an American soccer tradition: the day after the match, we get to see how our countrymen and countrywomen cheered....
USWNT Shock Japan With Four Goals In Sixteen Minutes, Win World Cup
Soccer matches are 90 minutes long, and most of the time the ball is nowhere near a goal and 18 of the 22 players on the pitch are walking. But there are stretches—two minutes here, two seconds there—in which the players do unimaginable things with the ball and work with their teammates in a way tha...
Here Is Your 2015 Women's World Cup Final Liveblog
Here we go. The United States women’s national team is taking on Japan in the World Cup final. Follow along as we yell and jingoistically babble our way through the game while the Americans attempt to Do The Whole Shit for the first time since 1999....
Freddy Adu Scored The Saddest Free Kick You'll Ever See
Remember Freddy Adu? Remember the guy that was supposed to save American soccer? Four months ago he signed with Kuopion Palloseura, in the Finnish first division. They’re the eleventh team the still-somehow-only-26-year-old Adu has played for: D.C. United —> Real Salt Lake —> Benfica —> AS Monaco —>...
Chilean Satire Mag Makes A Funny About Messi Getting Finger Up His Butt
“Get ready, Messi,” Chilean magazine The Clinical writes, riffing on Chile defender Gonzalo Jara’s recent finger-in-the-butthole move, as well as Lionel Messi’s oft-mentioned otherworldly abilities ahead of Saturday’s Chile-Argentina Copa América final. Pretty clever, you guys!...
"The Worst Team In The World" Is Living Its World Cup Dream
THIMPHU, Bhutan – Six to zero. 6-0. The final score of the June 16 China-Bhutan World Cup qualifier was six to freaking zero in favor of the Chinese. And do you know what the Bhutanese fans did after the game? They sang to the players. They cheered. They screamed with absolute joy when the keeper, H...