scream Page 81 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
If Mesut Özil Keeps Scoring Like This, The World Better Watch Out
In Arsenal’s blowout win against Ludogorets yesterday, Mesut Özil scored three goals in the second half. I repeat: Mesut “I Live To Pass And I Never, Ever Shoot So Don’t Ask Me To” Özil scored a hat trick yesterday in the Champions League, increasing his season tally to six goals in 10 games. This i...
5-Year-Old Diehard Celtic Fan Calls Up Club To Apologize For Missing Game
Kids these days. They whine and whine about how much they want—no, need—that drum set they’re always going on about, then you get one for them and after two months it sits quietly in the basement, unused and collecting dust. “But daaaaad, all my friends have motorized scooters,” that ungrateful brat...
Lionel Messi Must Really Hate Pep Guardiola And England
If there have been two criticisms that have followed Lionel Messi around though his career like yappy little dogs nipping at his ankles—too insignificant to be an actual threat, and just persistent enough to register as a minor annoyance—they have been these: First, he had the good fortune of playin...
Arsenal Are Out Here Just Embarrassing These Jamokes
This is the happy time in every Arsenal season. Everyone is healthy, their world-class players are playing up to their reputations, their really good players are playing out of their minds, and their title dreams still seem eminently, thrillingly tangible. In today’s Champions League match against L...
I Can't Stop Watching These Two Soccer Dummies Flop At The Same Time
Never has an eskimo kiss caused so much imaginary pain....
Swansea Lose 3-2 To Arsenal In Bob Bradley's First Game In Charge
Swansea lost 3-2 to Arsenal this morning in Bob Bradley’s first game in charge, twice coming back from a two-goal deficit but ultimately failing to win any points. In that respect, it was a quite similar to Franceso Guidolin’s final two games in charge of the Swans, when he presided over a 3-1 defea...
Salty-Ass Cristiano Ronaldo Flips Out After Teammate Laughs At Him
Regular human beings Danilo and Marcelo shared a laugh during Real Madrid training yesterday after the former did that funny little thing that sometimes happens during piggy-in-the-middle games and passed the ball between Cristiano Ronaldo’s legs. The cyborg Ronaldo must not have had his emotional c...
Norwegian Soccer Commentators Shocked And Horrified By San Marino Equalizer
The unabashed homers on Norwegian TV reasonably expected a comfortable win against little ol’ San Marino in Norway’s World Cup qualifier on Tuesday. Instead of getting to channel their inner Elated Tiziano Crudeli, they were forced into Distraught Tiziano Crudeli mode when San Marino tied the game a...
Two Soccer Guys Take Showboating To Whole New Level By Dabbing In Middle Of Game
The post-goal dab celebration is nearly ubiquitous on soccer pitches the world over. Langelihle Ndlovu and Pule Mmodi, members of the Free State Stars’ reserve team in South Africa, took it up a notch by each deciding to hit the dab during open play, an in-your-face effrontery that even Neymar would...
Amateur Soccer Man Secures His Spot In Heaven With This Majestic Goal
“It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle,” Jesus Christ once remarked, “than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” He continued, “But if a soccer man doth line up and crack a sweet shot on goal, and find himself denied by the crossbar, yet resist the weapons of Lucifer as d...
Everton's Oumar Niasse Is The Saddest Man In The Premier League
Oumar Niasse thought all his dreams had come true. After spending the first half of the 2015-16 season crushing it in Russia (12 goals and eight assists in 21 domestic league and European games), the Senegalese striker earned a lucrative move to the land of the TV money and the home of the enormous ...
Western New York Win NWSL Championship In A Shootout After Stoppage Time Equalizer
The Western New York Flash defeated the Washington Spirit in a shootout to win the NWSL title. The Spirit took the lead early into extra time, with Crystal Dunn scoring in the 92nd minute, her second of the night. But Western New York’s Lynn Williams headed in a Jessica McDonald cross four minutes i...
Ivory Coast-Mali Has Had A Lightning First Half
The first half of today’s Africa Cup of Nations qualifier between Ivory Coast and Mali featured three outstanding golazos and one really, really bad own goal....
Do Not Watch The Second Half Of This Terrible USMNT-Cuba Game
I know that it’s the very end of the work day at the very end of the work week, and there are only so many options available to distract you during these final interminable minutes before the weekend’s sweet release from responsibility, but I cannot in good faith advise you to spend even a minute of...
Enner Valencia Fakes Injury To Escape Police In Ambulance And Avoid Child Support Arrest
Everton striker and Ecuador star Enner Valencia returned to his homeland for a World Cup qualifier against Chile, where he managed to escape a series of encounters with Ecuador’s finest and avoid arrest for unpaid child support. ...
Neymar Is Bleeding Profusely
Neymar came off late in Brazil’s match against Bolivia tonight, not because the reigning Olympic champions were winning by a large margin—which they were—but because the Barcelona star suffered an injury that made his head bleed like Gretzky. ...
Iceland Channel The Power Of Odin, Complete Wild Stoppage-Time Comeback
The mighty Iceland national team trailed Finland by a goal as today’s World Cup qualifying match rolled into stoppage time. Clearly imbued with the power of the Norse gods, they turned it all the way around and left with a 3-2 win....
![Soccer Player Gets His Finger All Gnarled To Hell In Freak Accident [WARNING: GRAPHIC]](https://images.deadspin.com/tr:w-900/yyo61hj1rubvhh9vu2we.jpg)
Soccer Player Gets His Finger All Gnarled To Hell In Freak Accident [WARNING: GRAPHIC]
This is a story of love, of toughness, and a horribly, disgustingly mangled finger. Proceed at your own caution....
Ghanaian Coach Believes Country Is Failing At Soccer Because Players Fuck Too Much
Former Ghana international-turned-manager, Malik Jabir, is not happy with the state of Ghanaian soccer. To his mind, the players are not realizing their potential though a lack of commitment to the game. And he thinks he knows why, too: players are too tempted by all the sexy Ghanaian women and wind...
Women's Soccer Team Forced To Train With Two Idiot Sexists
A women’s soccer team in the Czech Republic is being forced to train with two sexists from the men’s team after the men made comments about a female referee belonging in the kitchen....