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Penn State Football Press Conferences Are No Longer Brought To You By Sherwin-Williams
Nike is unwilling to discuss the future of its longtime branding relationship with Joe Paterno and Penn State football. Will the Nittany Lions still be wearing the swoosh as the only emblem on their uniforms when they take the field against Nebraska? Wait and see. In the meantime, keep an eye on the...

Texas To Sponsor The Very Power Of The Earth Itself
Fresh off approving water bottles shaped like the campus tower (you know, the one from which Charles Whitman killed 14 people), UT is partnering with an energy company to sponsor Longhorn Electricity and Longhorn Natural Gas. [SBJ]...

Microsoft Is Pretty Much Running Seattle Sports
It's not just the WNBA team that's a walking advertisement for Microsoft. The Sounders, Seahawks, and even Pete Carroll's draft strategy are all being brought to you by Bill Gates' brainchild....

Break Out Your Fashionable Drinking Pants
Deadspin readers in New York City who like beer, rooftops, bloggers and German things are encouraged to attend a truly magical New Yorkish evening at Gawker HQ's official rooftop in a model-infested section of SoHo. The event is called "Gawktoberfest" ( personally, I prefer "Guten-Blog", but I have ...

It's A Sad Day For Obscure Movies You Don't Care About
I know I've been writing a lot this week, and I swear, my actual job really does keep me plenty busy, but Daulerio informed me of an impending change at Deadspin that I had to weigh in on. In about 15 minutes, Gawker Media is introducing automated, ad-produced sponsors posts. That means: No more mov...

Do You Think You're A Good Person?
I just think for right now, we need to treat each other like... meat. Right? Didn't we read that? You need to see me as a - a big - a penis. And you need to be just this huge vagina... to me. If you'd like to be a Deadspin advertiser, but you don't want something up your ass while doing it, jump ove...

I've Been Drunk For Two Weeks
Supermodels are beautiful girls, Will. A beautiful girl can make you dizzy, like you've been drinking Jack and Coke all morning. She can make you feel high full of the single greatest commodity known to man - promise. Promise of a better day. Promise of a greater hope. Promise of a new tomorrow. Thi...

I'm The Type Of Guy That Likes To Roam Around
I don't blame you. When I was your age, I was knockin' 'em off left and right; but I never did it with nobody's daughter. You should have given her an ankle bracelet and stuck to jerkin' off! If you're fearful of the Galasso brothers and the Ducky Boys, then you're ready to be a Deadspin advertiser....

Perry Knocked Over The Table
The experience of being in my first big Hollywood scene was an experience. I liked it, I thought it was cool. Ummmmm, being thrown in the manure is a different story you know. But there again to make it more real. Boom. You gotta take the shit before you really experience the bullshit or whatever. I...

You know she has that Scooby-Doo tongue.
You see I don't, I don't work with any exact boundaries of the law because I wasn't consulted when the god damn laws were made. No, instead nameless, faceless politicians, the so called protectors of the moral majority decide what is right and what is wrong. I mean come on. I govern my life around m...

Hey, hey. Yeah you, get up. What are you retarded...
You're gonna wish you never fucking got up this fucking morning asshole, because my boyfriend's gonna fuck you up! And then after that while he's fucking up your fucking gay uncle over there I'm gonna fucking cut off your cock and mail it to your mother, you fucking faggot bitch! You gaylord fucking...

Good Lord - I've heard about this - cat juggling! Stop! Stop! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
And that's it and that's the only thing I need, is this. I don't need this or this. Just this ashtray. And this paddle game, the ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need. And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need. And these matches....

Spend 10 Minutes Of Your Life Clicking Boxes And You Will Possibly Earn $300
It's Thursday. The day is almost over. Why not spend the rest of your afternoon sharing your personal information for the chance at winning a $300 Visa gift card? Please? Just fill out this little survey and you're entered. (No pun intended.) Yes, there are rules. Now, get typing. Zorbolt the Gawker...

I'm Sorry I Put Window Pane In Mel's Quail
You got a lot of nerve. You come in here, you lick my wife's armpit. You know... I'm going to have that image in my head for the rest of my life with your tongue in there. If you're seeing colors you don't want to see or hearing music coming from the table, then you're ready to become a Deadspin adv...

You Have The Voice Of An angel. I Mean, It's Like Fergie Meets Jesus.
Brennan Huff: This house is a fucking prison! Dale Doback: On Planet Bullshit! Brennan Huff: In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks! If you agree with these sentiments then jump on over here because you're clearly ready to be a Deadspin advertiser. This week's Boats 'n Ho's: • Coors Light •Crackle....

We'll Camp In The Wilderness And In The Morning We'll Breakfast On Its Haunches!
Georgie: Does everything you touch turn to shit? Does this happen to you every time? FH: [weeping] No wonder everybody calls me "Fuck-Head." Georgie: It's a name that's going to stick. FH: I realize that. Georgie: "Fuck-Head" is gonna ride you to your grave. FH: I already said so, I agreed with you ...

I Was Shopping For My Wife Bonnie...
" I buy most of her clothes and Mrs Pearl was in the same shop! And it just was an accident you know, we started talking... about panty hose, she was saying... whatever that's not the point of the story but what the point is is that through this accidental meeting... it's like a Hitchcock movie you ...

You Guys Here For The Suckfest?
" Hello, welcome to the International Inn. How many?"...

We're Afraid, Dave. We're Afraid.
Look Dave, we can see you're really upset about this. We honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill and think things over....

She Can't Act, She Can't Sing, She Can't Dance. A Triple Threat.
What's wrong with the way we talk? What's the big idea? Are we dumb or something?...