Christian Pulisic Rings In The New Year With A Powerful And Absolutely Legit Slam Dunk

Christian Pulisic—the wonderteen, the nation’s best and most favored soccer man, an elite athlete blessed with speed and agility and hops we don’t normally associate with slight, diminutive whiteboys—had himself a (mostly) great 2017. To commemorate his metaphorical ascent to the heights of the sporting world, he…

Our Dear Sweet Wonderteen Christian Pulisic Is Very Sad About Missing The World Cup

Once the rage subsided within the proud hearts of American soccer fans in response to the USMNT’s humiliating failure to qualify for next summer’s World Cup, the feeling that settled in has been one of profound sadness. Mostly, this sadness has centered on what was stolen from us—namely, the opportunity for the entire…

How Barcelona's Scramble To Replace Neymar Might Send Christian Pulisic To The Stars

It wasn’t really supposed to happen like this. French teen sensation Kylian Mbappé was slated to be this summer’s headlining transfer, with the usual suspects in Madrid, Paris, and Barcelona fighting over the right to pay one-sixth of a billion dollars for his signature. Instead, Neymar somehow went to PSG and…

Go Ahead And Enjoy Christian Pulisic Tearing Shit Up In A Meaningless Game

I’m not going to tell you that Christian Pulisic’s performance in today’s Borussia Dortmund-AC Milan friendly—in which he conjured two assists, won a penalty, and eeled his way past famously big and bad Serie A defenders more times than you could count—means that the Wonderteen is primed to take the leap from solid…

Wonderteen Christian Pulisic Undresses A Pair Of Defenders, Serves Up Opening Goal

This evening’s USMNT-Panama match was soggy, goalless, and uneventful for the first 39 minutes, until America’s greatest teenager, Christian Pulisic, owned a pair of experienced Panamanian defenders and put an easy assist on a platter for Clint Dempsey. Felipe Baliy and Roman Torres are two of Panama’s best players,…

Borussia Dortmund Manager Pours Some Cold Water On The Christian Pulisic Craze

Hardcore American soccer fans are rightfully beside ourselves with excitement about our latest and greatest hope for a soccer superstar, Christian Pulisic—especially after his exploits during this past international break. Should he—a teenaged, Bieber-bumping child, mind you—leave Borussia Dortmund for more PT? Why…