the-wonderteen - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights

Manchester United Need To Stay The Fuck Away From Our WonderteenThe good thing about having one of the soccer world’s most coveted young attacking prospects is that the eyes of the game’s biggest clubs will be focused on the kid, each team projecting out his possibly incredible future and positioning themselves to snatch it for themselves if they so decide to ma...

Christian Pulisic Rings In The New Year With A Powerful And Absolutely Legit Slam DunkChristian Pulisic—the wonderteen, the nation’s best and most favored soccer man, an elite athlete blessed with speed and agility and hops we don’t normally associate with slight, diminutive whiteboys—had himself a (mostly) great 2017. To commemorate his metaphorical ascent to the heights of the spor...

Our Dear Sweet Wonderteen Christian Pulisic Is Very Sad About Missing The World CupOnce the rage subsided within the proud hearts of American soccer fans in response to the USMNT’s humiliating failure to qualify for next summer’s World Cup, the feeling that settled in has been one of profound sadness. Mostly, this sadness has centered on what was stolen from us—namely, the opportu...

Christian Pulisic And The USMNT Are Destroying Panama

The USMNT needed to whoop on Panama tonight, and they got off to a thrilling start, unzipping the Panamanian defense twice in the first 20 minutes and adding a penalty right before halftime. The entire first half was a thrilling affair despite the soggy Orlando pitch, and there could have been at le...

Christian Pulisic Kicks Off The Bundesliga Season Like A Superstar

Every time I worry the American soccer press (Deadspin included) is being too hyperbolic in their praise and general hype for Christian Pulisic, he goes and assuages those fears with a marvelous performance. Consider today’s Bundesliga opener, which comes amid Ousmane Dembele’s transfer saga as well...

How Barcelona's Scramble To Replace Neymar Might Send Christian Pulisic To The Stars<em></em>

It wasn’t really supposed to happen like this. French teen sensation Kylian Mbappé was slated to be this summer’s headlining transfer, with the usual suspects in Madrid, Paris, and Barcelona fighting over the right to pay one-sixth of a billion dollars for his signature. Instead, Neymar somehow went...

Christian Pulisic Starts His Season Off By Embarrassing Bayern Munich

America’s Wonderteen, Christian Pulisic, scored the opener of the German Super Cup for Dortmund against Bayern today, dispossessing a concerningly louche Javi Martinez and easily finishing....

Go Ahead And Enjoy Christian Pulisic Tearing Shit Up In A Meaningless Game

I’m not going to tell you that Christian Pulisic’s performance in today’s Borussia Dortmund-AC Milan friendly—in which he conjured two assists, won a penalty, and eeled his way past famously big and bad Serie A defenders more times than you could count—means that the Wonderteen is primed to take the...