the Page 607 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
What Did We Get Stuck In Our Rectums Last Year?<em></em><em></em>
Deadspin’s Christmas Day tradition returns. It is time to sound the depths of the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits. Below are the strangest, most awkwardly shaped, and least pleasant objects that America has shoved into its various holes. God bless us, eve...
"It Hit My Ass": Jaromir Jagr Is The NHL's Second All-Time Leading Scorer
Earlier this month, the Penguins commemorated the 25th anniversary of their back-to-back Stanley Cups, and most of the players from those teams were on hand in Pittsburgh to celebrate. Not Jaromir Jagr. He had a game that night....
Now, A Beautiful Song About Kristaps Porzingis From His Grandmother And Aunts
Kristaps Porzingis was named Latvian Athlete of the Year at the annual Latvijas Gada Balva Sportā ceremony today. He was unable to accept the award in person, as his Knicks are playing the Magic right now. This was ultimately a good thing, however, as it meant that we got to see some of his relative...
The End Of Bernard Hopkins
Bernard Hopkins, a man I both like and admire, generally, if selectively, tells the truth. But he has some cinematic set pieces, one of which involves a story of being taken aside at the time of his release from Graterford Prison and told by the warden, “I’ll see you back here in six months.”...
Newt Gingrich Is In A Dark Place<em></em>
Newt, my boy. My dear, morally bankrupt Newt. What did Mr. Trump do to you? Did he hurt you? You can tell us. You don’t have to do this....
The Least Important Writers Of 2016
Congratulations to all the wieners. ...
Nate Diaz Figures The UFC Should Pay Him $20 Million To Fight
The UFC is in a bit of a bind. They’d like to book the entertaining Khabib Nurmagomedov in a March fight for one of their multiple lightweight titles, but for stupid reasons they don’t have a good matchup for him right now. MMA Fighting’s Ariel Helwani texted children’s role model and potential Nurm...
George R.R. Martin Offers Fans A Christmas Present (Not <i>The Winds Of Winter</i>)
Famed no-pages haver George R.R. Martin, author of the popular A Song of Ice and Fire fantasy novels on which HBO’s hit sibling-fucking drama Game of Thrones is loosely based, offered up a Christmas treat for fans over on his Not A Blog, which is a blog, today. Was it an announcement that he’ll fina...
Matt Light Says He Tricked Brandon Meriweather Into Asking Bill Belichick To Pick Up His Bar Tab<em></em>
Former Patriots offensive lineman Matt Light showed up on radio show Toucher and Rich this morning after his old teammate Brandon Meriweather called in, and told a wonderful story about the time he set up a painfully awkward conversation between the safety and head coach Bill Belichick at the 2011 P...
Good News—Your Job Is Closed On Christmas
I just walked by a grocery store with a sign in the window saying they would be open until 6:30 p.m. on Christmas. Funny joke! If you’re an employee there, you should know that’s wrong—everything is closed on Christmas. ...
Here's How You Drain The Swamp
After promising to “drain the swamp,” Donald Trump has assembled a leadership team of billionaires, bankers, hedge fund guys, and the power-mad detritus of the Republican party. Sad! We could still drain that swamp with a couple of easy rules. ...
Dean Blandino Explains Why Yet Another Hit On Cam Newton Didn't Draw A Flag
The latest edition of What Will it Take for Cam Newton to Draw a Flag? aired on Monday night, when a scrambling Newton slid—maybe late—and got hit helmet-to-helmet—maybe glancing—by Washington LB Trent Murphy. There was a flag thrown on a play: a taunting call on Newton for flipping the football at ...
Attila The Hun Did Far More Than Just Leave Charred Bones In His Wake
Nearly 16 centuries after he lived and died, the name of Attila the Hun still carries overtones of wanton destruction and senseless slaughter. The Huns, unlike the Franks or the Anglo-Saxons or the Goths, have no modern politicians claiming them as glorious ancestors for a shot of cheap nationalism;...
The Skins Controlled Their Own Destiny Until They Dropped It In A Puddle Of Their Own Barf
It must’ve been quite the kick in the dick for Washington fans to root for Dallas on Sunday night, so the Skins could overtake Tampa for pole position for the second NFC wild-card spot, only to watch their team hand the advantage right back to the Bucs....
Cam Newton Takes Hit To The Head, Somehow Ends Up Being The One Penalized
Defenses have been abusing Cam Newton all season, and NFL officiating teams have continued to keep the flags in their pockets. So when the flag came out after Trent Murphy’s blow to the Carolina QB’s skull after a third-down rush tonight against Washington, it was a short-lived sigh of relief for Pa...
Trump Nominates Florida Panthers Owner As Secretary Of The Army
President-elect Donald Trump announced today that he intends to nominate billionaire Florida Panthers owner and army veteran Vincent Viola as the Secretary of the Army, a non-cabinet level position. The Panthers said Viola’s appointment will not change anything about the team’s day-to-day operations...
Lionel Messi Is God
Seriously, there’s nothing more to say. Just look at what he did to Espanyol’s whole team yesterday:...
Your <i>Monday Night Football</i> Tecmo Super Bowl Simulation Is Live
Your Tecmo Super Bowl sims are back, and tonight’s Carolina vs. Washington game is LIVE:...
Nerlens Noel On 76ers' Center Situation: "Need To Figure That Shit Out"
Three months ago, Nerlens Noel said that he had no idea how the Philadelphia 76ers were going to handle having three true centers on the roster. Now, he knows how they’re handling it—by playing him a whole lot less. And he’s pissed, as he told reporters after last night’s loss to the Los Angeles Lak...
Harlem's One-Antlered Deer Dies Of Pointless, Endless Political Feud
Today, a white-tailed, one-antlered deer that delighted crowds of Harlem residents for weeks died of stress and fear because the governor of New York is in a perpetual juvenile pissing match with the mayor of New York City....