the Page 647 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Donut-Stealing Raccoon Has Curious Donut Choices
Man, what are you doing? I understand that in a heist situation, speed is paramount, but the ‘ICY CHOCOLATE’ basket is right there. Why the shit would you choose an ‘ORANGE BAR’?...
Wow, It's The Most Difficult "Can You Find The Panda?" Puzzle Yet
Over the course of the last week or so, you may have noticed some version of this puzzle popping up in one of your social media feeds:...
College Athletic Departments Blow Millions On Fancy Stickers
The cooked books of big-time athletic departments show that schools barely break even at best on their athletics budgets. This is often used as evidence that paying athletes is untenable. What it conveniently glosses over is the unbelievable amount of already-existing money being more or less set on...
One Of ESPN's "Hot Topics" Is A Football Game That Does Not Exist
Midway through tonight’s Russell Athletic Bowl, ESPN’s Mike Patrick introduced a sponsored segment intending to highlight the biggest stories in college football. One of these, strangely, was a game that did not happen....
Legendary Fighter Kazushi Sakuraba Brutalized In Depressing Spectacle
Fighting is too young a sport for a descriptor like “legend” to mean all that much, but so far as it does, Kazushi Sakuraba is one of the few people who deserve it. His incredible career has been too strange and interesting to easily summarize, but, briefly, after starting out as a pro wrestler, he ...
The Spurs' Mascot Caught A Bat In A Fishing Net While Wearing A Batman Costume
The San Antonio Spurs had a bat problem prior to Monday night’s game against the Timberwolves, for the second time in six years. (The last time occurred on Halloween, believe it or not.) Instead of pulling Manu Ginobili out of bat-swatting retirement, Spurs’ mascot The Coyote donned an appropriate c...
What Horrible Things Did We Do To Our Penises Last Year?
Ah, the penis. That most comical and vulnerable of body parts. It was a bad year for all of us, but for the approximately 1.2 billionth year in a row since the emergence of sexual differentiation, it was a particularly rough year for groins. This selection of real, horrible injuries proves that Murp...
Quadree Henderson Returns Military Bowl Opening Kickoff 100 Yards For Touchdown
Pitt got started early in today’s Military Bowl in Annapolis—as early as possible, in fact, as freshman Quadree Henderson ran the opening kickoff back 100 yards for a touchdown in Navy’s own stadium....
The Arizona Cardinals Are Absurdly Deep
With a dodgy offensive line and an unreliable running game, the Packers haven’t been as strong as usual this year, but the Cardinals made them look like a fourth-place team on Sunday. Arizona pasted Green Bay in a 38-8 win that revealed why Bruce Arians’s team is so scary: Their depth chart is stack...
O'Brien Schofield Says The Panthers Didn't Take Their First Loss Well
Carolina’s undefeated season came to an end at the hands of the Falcons, who the Panthers had destroyed just two weeks ago. The Panthers yukked it up in the closing stages of that first meeting, posing for group photos on the sidelines before the game was even over. This time out, according to Atlan...
Bill Belichick Had A Plan, It Just Backfired Completely
By now we know that the Patriots’ decision to kick off to start overtime wasn’t a mistake—or at least, not the one it appeared to be at the time. New England never touched the ball in their 26-20 OT loss to the Jets, and while the outcome wasn’t by design, the strategy was. Whether or not it was a w...
Falcons End Panthers Undefeated Season
The Carolina Panthers’ bid to become the third 15-0 team in NFL history went down in Atlanta this afternoon as the Atlanta Falcons took them down 20-13. MVP-favorite Cam Newton threw for a paltry 142 yards, but he rushed for 46 yards and a touchdown. Julio Jones carried the Falcons with 178 yards an...
Cam Newton Turned This Into A First Down, Somehow
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Here Is The Full Documentary That Accuses Peyton Manning And Others Of Doping [UPDATE]
Al-Jazeera America dropped the full The Dark Side: Secrets of the Sports Dopers documentary on YouTube before its scheduled airing this evening, finally allowing us a look at the allegations HGH was shipped to Peyton Manning’s house along with numerous other claims connecting professional athletes w...
"WHERE'D THE BALL GO!??"
It’s a bright, sunny day in El Paso for today’s Sun Bowl, where the snow is coming down so hard the ball is disappearing:...
Will Jared Leto's Joker Be Too Raw And Subversive For Modern Society To Handle?
Wow, we knew from previous reports (“Leto ... sent Margot Robbie [Harley Quinn] a dead rat”) that Jared Leto’s portrayal of the Joker in the upcoming Suicide Squad movie would be unbelievably edgy and raw, but Twitter users @boring_as_heck and @swarthyvillain got ahead of the film’s promotional cycl...
What Did We Get Stuck In Our Rectums Last Year?
It’s Christmas Day, and you know what that means: time to plumb the depths of the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits. We’re looking for the weirdest, least explicable, and most awkward objects that America has shoved inside its various holes. God bless us, ev...
Raiderfan Raiderfans As Only A Raiderfan Can Raiderfan
Interrupting the game and making an obscene gesture all in one motion? PLEASE DON’T LET THE RAIDERS LEAVE OAKLAND....
The Best Things We Watched In 2015
Here, now, are our favorite films, TV shows, and pieces of internet ephemera of the year. Thank you for your time....