ti Page 1121 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
American Wonderteen Christian Pulisic Stomped All Over Benfica<em></em>
Borussia Dortmund lost 1-0 to Benfica in Lisbon, Portugal two weeks ago, necessitating a strong performance today in the second leg of their Round of 16 Champions League tie to advance. They needn’t worry, because the wonderteen was there. ...
The Indian Wells Men's Draw Is One Big Clusterfuck
Today, out in the Coachella Valley, the Indian Wells Masters will begin. It’s the highest-profile tennis tournament in the world after the four Grand Slams, dropping a fat bounty of 1000 ranking points on its winners. Everyone in the tennis universe should be excited, except for Serena Williams and ...
Piss Off, Tim Tebow
Tim Tebow isn’t a major-league ballplayer, and he isn’t a pro ballplayer in any but the barest, most literal sense. Certainly, if he weren’t famous for playing football and for not having been aborted, no one anywhere would pay him money to play baseball. Look at this shit!...
Democratic Process Gives Every Idiot A Voice
The true spirit of our Founding Fathers was celebrated this week in Bayonne, New Jersey, where the local quacks, racists, and morons were allowed to voice their stupid views at a zoning hearing. ...
Are You Sure Russell Westbrook Should Be MVP? Consider These Stats
An NBA season is not a triple-double-getting contest. Yesterday, Albert Burneko argued that the discussion about who deserves the NBA Most Valuable Player award has lately gone off track—that Russell Westbrook, averaging a triple-double for the Oklahoma City Thunder, has been so thoroughly and overw...
Angry Man Cuts President Trump's Balls Off<em></em>
President Trump was getting hard to manage so his handlers went and lopped off his testicles....
Five-Year-Old Set To Become Youngest-Ever Contestant At National Spelling Bee
Nerd alert! Edith Fuller, a home-schooled 5-year-old from Oklahoma, qualified for the National Spelling Bee after winning the Scripps Green Country Regional Spelling Bee Saturday. She will be the youngest-ever dweeb to compete in a national spelling bee....
Man, Cristiano Ronaldo Really Blew This One
Okay, okay, this isn’t quite a gimme goal here that Cristiano Ronaldo just missed. The angle was tough, and he had a lot to focus on with the keeper and defender right on top of him. Still, it was an open net, it would’ve been a hugely important goal in this second leg of Real Madrid’s Champions Lea...
Is Your Chicken Processed By Free Range Humans?
Yesterday, the Senate voted to repeal regulations that required federal contractors to accurately disclose all of their workplace safety violations. Because who would want that? ...
Marc Bergevin Is A Master Of Disguise
Montreal Canadiens general manager Marc Bergevin pulled off a gag with a potted plant at Monday’s session of the NHL GM meetings. He must have enjoyed that brief moment of time in which he didn’t have to field any questions about P.K. Subban....
What's Eating Isaiah Thomas?
The Celtics lost 116-102 to the Clippers last night, and after the game Celtics star point guard Isaiah Thomas was spotted doing that thing no team ever wants to see their star player doing: refusing to take off his uniform and staring into space....
Big Dustin Byfuglien Takes Out Three Dudes At Once
Jets defenseman Dustin Byfuglien is listed at 6-foot-5, 260 pounds, and depending on the time of year, even that might be severely underselling it. The point is you don’t want to be in his way when his brakes go out. ...
Fuck Off, GRRM!
Hey man, we don’t want this weak shit! Give us The Winds Of Winter! Let’s see some pages!...
Blazers-Timberwolves Game Canceled Due To Sweaty Hardwood
A few hours before the Timberwolves and Blazers were supposed to tip off in Minnesota, ominous reports about sweaty ice in the stadium started sprouting up. Damian Lillard and the rest of the Blazers cut their warm-ups short due to the wet floor, and Lillard later gave an interview where he called f...
The Future Of Feature Writing Is Woof Woof Bark Aww
If you’re a regular reader of feature journalism on the internet, you have encountered what we at Deadspin sometimes refer to as the “Snow Fall” treatment, after the famous New York Times story that launched the phenomenon. This is when a publisher packages a (typically lengthy) feature story with f...
Junior Hockey Player Climbs Over Glass To Brawl With Fans During Game, Loses Shirt
In what might be the most Canadian sentence written this year, a New Brunswick Junior Hockey League game Saturday at Lord Beaverbrook Rink between the Southern Sting and Grand Lake Moose featured a brawl in the stands after one of the players hopped over the glass to fight with fans....
The New York Times Is Not Built For This
On Sunday, Frank Bruni dedicated his New York Times op-ed column to the way Donald Trump eats steak. This is not the first line of a joke. ...
Mariachi Band Greatly Improves Mariners Spring Training
Spring training always has stunts and shenanigans—like indulging a former quarterback’s fantasies so you can sell his shirsey for a couple of months—but the Seattle Mariners set the bar pretty high by hiring a mariachi band to tag along with center fielder Leonys Martin today....
Martin Jones's Collar Made A Lucky Save
The Wild beat the Sharks 3-1 last night, and it would have been worse if not for Martin Jones’s totally accidental, totally unrepeatable save on a Chris Stewart shot. The Wild players threw their arms up as if Stewart had scored, but you can’t see what happened till you check the replays:...
The American Cup Was A Competition In Search Of A Story
Back in 2013, the American Cup marked the senior debut of Simone Biles. Though she didn’t win the meet—the title went to Katelyn Ohashi, who had been a junior superstar—it was evident that Biles was about to become a force in U.S. women’s gymnastics. Even if no one watching could’ve predicted just h...