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I'm A Grown Man Who Wet The Bed. What Do I Do Now?
Jolie Kerr is a cleaning expert and advice columnist. She'll be here every week helping to answer your filthiest questions. Are you dirty? Check the Squalor Archive for assistance. Are you still dirty? Email her....

Marshawn Lynch Already Explained Why He Hates Talking To The Media
By now, Marshawn Lynch's natural reticence to speak to reporters—even when contractually obligated to do so—has metastasized into something else entirely; after a season of locker-room verbal combat, it's less shyness than it is defiance. Defiance of league regulations he believes are illogical, of ...

NFL Players Should Unionize
The National Football League had its way with Marshawn Lynch this week, reportedly threatening to fine the Seattle Seahawks running back $500,000 if he didn't speak to reporters. This is just one more in a series of incidents in which the league has threatened players with disproportionate penalties...

Saints Execs Claim Tom Benson Is Still An Active Owner
Saints team president Dennis Lauscha and general manager Mickey Loomis spoke with the New Orleans Times-Picayune yesterday, and claimed that team owner Tom Benson is not a mentally feeble puppet being manipulated by his wife, as has been claimed in a lawsuit filed by Benson's recently jilted heirs....

Charlie Coyle Stuns Edmonton With Breakaway, Soft-Handed Goal
The body control from Charlie Coyle is my favorite part of his game-winning goal in the third period against the Oilers. His entire body is beginning to whip around the net like he's going to attempt a wraparound, but he somehow manages to tap the puck backwards and then throw his stick out to knock...
![UK And EKU Football Players In Good Ol' Fashion Bar Fight [UPDATE]](https://images.deadspin.com/tr:w-900/hsdipvgsn64shhn90uaj.png)
UK And EKU Football Players In Good Ol' Fashion Bar Fight [UPDATE]
An Eastern Kentucky University lineman took on a gaggle of University of Kentucky players in a bar fight this weekend, according to multiple witnesses quoted in The Courier-Journal. EKU lineman Colton Scurry's father told the paper he "sustained multiple facial fractures" in the incident, and that t...

Whatever Happened To The Ripken Kidnapping Case?
At approximately 8:35 p.m. on July 24, 2012, the police in Baltimore County, Md., received a 911 call regarding a suspicious car. A local couple had spotted a silver sedan parked in a pull-off area of some property they owned by the intersection of Ebenezer Road and Pulaski Highway, near White Mar...

How To Beat Insomnia, Or At Least Learn Good Sleep Habits, Ya Zombie
One of the features of young-adulthood is being oh God like soooooo hungover and sleep-deprived all the time, darkly glamorous behind thick, black vampire shades and beneath wild bedhead, lurching into your workplace like Death itself with a not now OK scowl and scandalizing all the old married fa...

Tomáš Rosický Is Arsenal's Irreplaceable Security Blanket
It takes more than the couple dozen legs of Arsenal's preferred starting XI to carry the club towards their annual fourth place finish in the Premier League and deep though ultimately unsuccessful (though not always!) runs in the other major tournaments. Rotation, fatigue, and the handful of cruci...

OKC Broadcasters Shill For Lotto, Your Family Not Dying From Tornadoes
This is just the worst deal, man. Worst of all the deals. Oklahoma City's broadcast team took a moment during the third quarter of tonight's Thunder-Timberwolves game to shill for a scam in which—for a limited time!—Oklahomans who purchase a Mega Millions lottery ticket will be rewarded with ... a...

Barry Trotz On Possibly Misguided Quest To Keep Tiger At Columbus Zoo
According to a series of tweets from Aaron Portzline—the Blue Jackets beat reporter for The Columbus Dispatch—Washington Capitals coach Barry Trotz is trying to prevent an Amur (Siberian) tiger named Foley from being transferred from the Columbus Zoo and Aquarium to the Kansas City Zoo. You see,...

Robert Kraft Doubles Down On Patriots' Innocence, Asks NFL For Apology
Patriots owner Robert Kraft crashed a press conference scheduled for Bill Belichick and Tom Brady in Arizona tonight, telling the assembled media "I want to make it clear that I believe unconditionally that the New England Patriots have done nothing wrong" in response to accusations that they deflat...

Did TV's Go-To Ball Boy Expert On Ballghazi Inflate His Credentials?
Eric Kester may be the only guy who's come out ahead from Ballghazi so far....

How To Survive A Blizzard In Style
You may have heard about a big East Coast blizzard hitting soon. Big storms are like the crimes on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, in that they happen everywhere, but always get more coverage when they happen to New Yorkers....

The Current 800-Meter World Record Holder Is 62 Today
The IAAF, always conscious of doing the right thing, tweeted greetings to Czech mid-distance runner Jarmila Kratochvilova on the occasion of her 62nd birthday. The photo they used, above, is from 1983, commemorating another remarkable anniversary: Kratochvilova's world record in the 800 meters, 1:5...

MRA Brings Human Rights Complaint Against CFL Team For Anti-DV Campaign
The CFL's Toronto Argonauts are supporters of the White Ribbon Campaign, a domestic-violence prevention initiative formed in response to the 1989 École Polytechnique Massacre, where 14 women at a Montreal university were murdered by a man who claimed that he was "fighting feminism." It is, not surpr...

How To Win A Swordfight
Let's say a gentleman scandalizes your lady at a bar. Rude, right? Let's say he poisons your father to get closer to your mother. Ruder, I'd say. But what're you gonna do about it? Today, such matters are usually resolved via graceless brawls involving a combination of wrestling and hair-pulling. ...

I Can't Stop Watching John Wall Chop The Nuggets With This Slick Pass
John Wall was at his very best last night in Denver: hanging 19 points and 16 assists on the Nuggets, snatching the endgame away with a flurry of buckets and assists, doing that John Wall thing where the court and the basket and all the players start to seem like a big circuitboard and the ball is...

Reports: Josh Gordon Suspended Again For Testing Positive For Alcohol
ESPN's Adam Schefter is reporting Browns receiver Josh Gordon has failed another drug test and is now facing a year-long ban from the NFL. It's his third reported flunked test, and ProFootballTalk says Gordon tested positive for alcohol....

Even QVC Is Making Jokes About The Patriots' Footballs
Shut it down. All that can be said about Ballghazi has been said....